You Look Perfect (lams)

Chapter 48

T.W: I don't really know if this is a tw? But a flashback with mention of minor minor abuse. Oh also a panic/anxiety attack. Oh I threw some talk about trauma in there. Sorry gang. <3

Johns POV:

"You what?!" Alex snaps. I flinch slightly at the loud noise and reach a hand out, putting mine on his. He immediately pulls back and crosses his arms. I feel hurt but stay tough and don't let it show.

"Well not exactly- he kissed me." He still glares at me and I turn my attention to the edges of my sleeves. "And? Did you kiss back?" I look back up at him and shake my head. "N-no! I promise. But..." He looks straight into my eyes, tears evident in his. "But what?" He asks
harshly.

"I didn't- I didn't push him off." I see a single tear drop falling from his eye and I go to wipe it off. He grips my wrist roughly in attempt to stop me, making my eyes widen as flashbacks flood into my mind.

"Look at me." Francis snaps. "Leave me alone!" I yell back. His face twists into a look of anger and he grabs my wrist roughly making me whimper. "What did you say?" He threatens. I shake my head. "N-nothing. I'm sorry." He releases it and pulls me forward by my shirt collar. "You'll do better to know you place." I nod with tears in my eyes. "Y-yes sir."

Tears slip from my eyes from the memory. "What? Why are you crying? You're not the one who's boyfriend let another man kiss him, are you?" I start full on sobbing, making Alex's face soften slightly. "Are- are you okay?" I rip my hand from Alex's grip and put my hands around my ears, bring my knees up to my chest, and bawl my eyes out.

"No. No. No, no, no! Stop- get off of me! Get off! D-dont touch me! Get away from me! S-stop! Please, stop! I-it hurts, stop! Please..." I wail, pulling at my hair mercilessly.

"John.." Alex whispers, trying to pry my hands away from my hair. I whimper and squirm away from his grip. "Don't- dont t-touch me! I d-d-don't want you to h-hurt me." I try to shout, but it comes out more like a whine/whimper thing.

Alex backs away from me and takes out his phone, dialing something before leaving the room. Leaving me to weep into the hands which have stopped pulling at my hair. At this point my head throbs and my whole body feels hot, not to mention my face wet with tears that feels like it's on fire.

"P-please..." I whimper to nobody. I don't even know why I yelled at him. Something just....snapped inside of me. I don't know how to explain it. I tried to stop screaming but it was like I wasn't even in control of my own actions. I never want to experience that again. I think it was a panic attack, or something trauma related. My mom used to have a lot of those. She doesn't anymore, obviously.

Alex comes back into the room, at least I assume considering the door opened. I sniffle, wipe my eyes and look up from my hands pathetically. "John- I, um..Alex called us." Says a familiar French accent. "Are you having another flashback?" Peggy asks softly from behind him.

I just whimper as the tears come welling into my eyes again. I see herc walk into the room and soon after a pair of strong arms around me. "It's okay. We're here." He mumbles. I sniffle as Peggy and Lafayette make their way over to me as well. "What happened mon ami?"

I tell them about the kiss, taking to Alex, him getting upset, grabbing my wrists, the flashbacks. At the end of the story they all have sympathetic looks on their faces. "I think we should send Alex back in, so you two can talk. Don't yell at him, okay John? I know it reminded you of Francis but you have to remember, Alex isn't like Francis. He isn't Francis." Peggy says comfortingly. I nod and smile into her hair, letting her and the other sit up and leave the room.

A couple moments later Alex emerges from the doorway, cautiously making his way over to me. He slowly kneels next to me. I sniffle and look at him. "Hey John. I- um, are you, uh, okay? Can you tell me what happened, because I know it wasn't just me yelling at you." I take a deep breath and sniffle another time.

"It's not your fault it's just- you grabbed my wrist and it just.." he looks at me to keep going. "It reminded me of Francis. A-and I was scared. Scared that you were gonna get upset a-and hit me, o-or hurt me, yell at me." He looks at me with sad eyes and tests the waters by reaching out for my hand. I take a breath. "He's not Francis." I give him a small smile and let him intertwine our fingers.

"I say I'm fine, I want to be fine. I want to able to have you reach your hand up without me flinching, I want to do...well, you, without having flashbacks. I want to go back to normal. It took me two fucking years to recover from the trauma last time, only to have it happen again this year. I keep having nightmares, a-and flashbacks. I just...I don't know what to do. I just want to get better, lexi. I- I can't take this anymore. I want to fully trust you and l-love you without being scared. I need to. I can't do this, Alex."

After I finish my rant the tears are so nonstop I basically wouldn't even notice they were there if it wasn't fogging my vision. "I'm so sorry, John. I didn't realize how bad it still was for you, I- I don't know much about this whole feelings and helping thing..." He says with a slight chuckle at the end. I chuckle and wipe a tear. "...But I do know I want to help you. Mr. Washington is friends with this therapist- you could go there, for free. Does that sound like something that you would be okay with?"

I give a slight nod as he continues talking. "That- that's great. Okay okay. See? You're already doing great. Heh. Also, I'll be here for you, of course. I'll be carefully about the whole looking-like-I'm-about-to-hit-you thing. I'm here for you John. I...I don't care about the Lee thing right now. I'm only worried about you. About your mental health. Okay?" I nod again with a smile as I bring him in for a hug.

He didn't expect it I think, because he's tense at first but after a second or two he hugs back passionately. "I'm sorry for letting Lee kiss me." I mumble into his hair. He shakes his head. "I'm sorry for grabbing you like that." He mumbles back into my shoulder. I squeeze his tighter and give him a kiss on the top of his head. He smiles and pulls back. He slowly reaches his hand up to my face to make sure I was okay with it. When he sees I don't flinch he leans in for a sweet kiss. I return it right away as he wraps his arms around my neck.

"I think I love you, John." He says, catching me off guard.

"I- I think I love you too." I reply nervously.

Well then.

A/N: 1304 words jeez are y'all proud of me?