scripturient

I'm Sorry

(May 28, 2021)

He tells me
"I love you. I am yours."
He tells me
"Marry me."
And I say yes,
Willing- happy.
We kiss
and I feel whole.

I tell him
"I don't want to talk."
I ask him
"Do you even love me?"
We start to argue
and I lash out
and then hate myself for it.
He acts cold
and I blame me.

He tells me
"I don't trust you."
He tells me
"Why can't we just work it out?"
I lash out again,
I cry,
we make up.

I tell him
"I can't do this."
I tell him
"We can't be like this."
We fight and break up
again and again.
I take the final step.
It hurts.

I tell him
"It was me"
I tell him
"I still love you."
He says
"I love you too."
I leave to get better,
to have a better life
but I wait patiently
to be in his arms again.

He says
"I miss you."
He says
"I want a family"
My heart still beats for him,
but he feels so far away.
I lay at night,
wondering if he means what he says.
Wondering
if its me he wants anymore.

He says
"I'm sorry."
He says
"I'm seeing someone."

It feels like my whole being
has been shattered into a billion pieces,
like a broken mirror
too messed up to fix.
I cry and I wail
and I tear myself down
for not being enough,
for being too much,
for letting him go,
for leaving him alone.
I swallow my pride
while my heart hurts
and I say
"I'm happy for you."

I stop talking to him.
I feel dead.
I know he's happy.
I start to heal.