a court of light and shadow

Chapter 21(Lucien)

Night Court was peaceful. Even Spring Court wasn't beautiful like this, especially at night. Obviously, it's called Night Court at least.
It was the last day of the third Summer season.
Which meant that it was her birthday-
Jasminda. It was only one day in the year when he was sitting down and crying quietly on the memory of her. What would life be like if she'd been alive? Will they be mates? or married? What if-
"Good evening, Lucien," he heard Feyre's voice beside him. She walked with Nyx in her arms in the kitchen where Lucien stood. He tried to smile, "Hello, Feyre."
Her smile vanished from her face as she took a look at him, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." he turned to a glass of water, avoiding her eye contact.She was Daemati- she could just see what was in his mind by look. But she would never do that- not without permission.
"Lucien, what happened," she was close to him now. His hair was so long that Nyx grabbed it and started putting it in his mouth, Lucien couldn't help his smile at little Illyrian. Feyre stopped the child before he could grab more hair from him, and let go.
"Tell me, what happened. please."
He was silent for a minute, then he looked from the window at the sky, full of million stars. He was thinking too much.
"It's her birthday, today," he whispered. Lucien looked at his friend, he blinked back the tears.
"You miss her," not a question but he nodded. "Are you okay?" she asked quietly. Of course, no. "Yeah."
He knew Feyre knew the truth.He was so in love with her and in one second she was gone. From hands of his own father-
"You should talk to her," Feyre said gently. Lucien shot her confused look so she explained, "By looking at stars. She's somewhere there, watching you. Talk to her." He looked at the stars again, Nyx started crying, Feyre let out a silent sigh and after she was a good night to Lucien she vanished into her room.
Lucien thought everyone was asleep, but he didn't want to be in his room.
Somehow he found himself in the garden.
Elain's garden-He sat down on the ground, not caring if his clothes would become dirty.
Lucien gazed at the stars and let out a broken sigh. He was thinking about what Feyre said,
'She's somewhere there. Watching you. Talk to her'
Was she here? 'Talk to her' Feyre's voice sang into his mind. So Lucien started talking quietly.
"Hey, Jes. I hope you're really here. I- I miss you so freaking much. I know you won't liked that I'm blaming myself for what happened, but- It's all my fault. If we never met, never fall in love maybe you would be here now. Maybe we would-be mates," he laughed flatly, "Yeah, mates. Cauldron thought it was funny to give me a mate who doesn't give a shit about me, but maybe deep inside I hope she will accept the bond."He realised that he was crying, but didn't wipe the tears which were sliding down on his cheeks. "I will see you in a lifetime, my love," he whispered at last. In that time he heard soft footsteps from behind, "Feyre, I told you I'm okay-" he turned to see Feyre but it wasn't her.
Elain in her light pink dress blinked at him.
"Oh-" Lucien wiped his cheeks quickly. None of them moved, he thought it was time to go in his room, but he didn't want to. "Are you okay-?" Elain asked.
He nodded quickly. Breathing deeply.
"Why were you crying?" she asked again. It was probably the first time when he heard her speaking to him. "I wasn't crying." He murmured."With who you were talking to?"
"N-no one." he couldn't look at her, because then she will know that he was crying.
"I can hear your heart pulse," her voice was closer now. She was closer.
"Is it fast?" he asked.
"It is."
A moment in silence, again.
"Why you were crying?" she softly asked again.
He knew there was no point in lying so he told truth, "It's- my ... friend's birthday today."
"Ow... I love birthdays," he could hear her smile, "Aren't you goin' to wish them a happy birthday and see them?"
'see her'
He opened to answer but no voice came out. How could he explain what he felt?
He finally looked at her, at the sight of his face Elain's joy vanished. "I'm sorry I-""It's okay." he gazed at the stars, "Feyre told me to talk to her by stars. That she's here."
"Were you in love with her?" Elain asked, Lucien almost laughed. He was talking about his dead lover to his mate.
"Badly." he breathed.
"Tell me about her." Softly. She spoke too softly. She was probably pitying him, that's why she was here.
"She- was very beautiful female. When we first met she didn't know who I was. That I was High Lord's son when she found out she didn't give a damn about my title.
She loved roses," he smiled, another tear slid down, "Jesminda was the one who actually cared about me. She trusted me and I- I broke her trust. I didn't protect her and that's why," he whimpered, "That's why she died. Because I was the reason. After all these years- I can't forgive myself—-"Elain listened. Didn't said a word.
When Lucien tried to hold back his tears, Elain gently touched his shoulder, comforting him. Maybe he was in a dream. "Her death isn't your fault. what would she think if she knew that you're blaming yourself?"
"She wouldn't like it," he murmured.
"Yeah, exactly. So stop saying that."
His breath became normal. Lucien couldn't help but ask, "Why you're here?"
"I wanted to water flowers- and I heard you."
'I heard you what has she heard? The line when he mentioned their- bond?
Lucien was still questioning thing in mind when Elain made him turn to her by her fingers touching his chin. It was the first time when he saw her from this close. Her eyes were like burning chocolate. She was beautiful even at night.Elain wiped his tears by using her thumbs, her touch was so soft he almost whimpered.
"Thank you," he said, she ran her finger at his long scar.
"We should sleep." She breathed and stood up, he could feel her touch on his skin. He nodded. Before Elain grabbed a glass of water which was meant for flowers, he stood up from the ground. Lucien went straight to the house.
"I never asked when is your birthday?" Elain asked. He went still. She was so- open to him-
"I- In Autumn. First day of the second month of Autumn season."
"Glad to know." she smiled. Lucien smiled back.
"Good night, Lucien." Cauldron- he thought he would never hear his name from her tongue.
Gently, he bowed his head, "Good night, Elain."When he turned he could have sworn that her cheeks were pink.
Maybe something changed, and she-
Lucien's hope about accepting the mating bond had grown. But then he remembered how she gazed at Shadowsinger that night. Pain and anger mixed. Lucien closed his eyes and shut his thoughts about Elain, Shadowsinger and Jesminda.
But still, there was big hope and joy in his heart whose reason was second Archeron sister.