see the sunshine, just like the first time

three

tw: trigger warnings: loss of identity, flashbacks of torture (?), PTSD

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Alysa came to consciousness again slowly, as if floating back to surface after swimming at the bottom of a lake. There was a weird feeling coursing through her body that she couldn't quite pinpoint - surprisedly, she realized that she did not feel anything. Her body felt unusually numb, not sore, not protesting in pain at her every movement.

She opened her eyes, adjusting to the lighting, and noticing her wrists were bandaged, and soft pads of gauze covered her neck, where the restraints had been holding her down. For a second, she tried to push past the drugs that clouded her thoughts, wrapping them in a cloudy haze. She focused her vision on a random spot on the ceiling, trying to acknowledge her surroundings. A look at the crook of her elbow was enough to see a needle stuck to her arm and connected to a bag hanging from a pole beside her. A memory flooded her brain like water breaking a dam; she saw the Soldier, James (Bucky, he'd said his name was?) holding her arm in a firm grip, keeping her from moving, allowing her to be poked at again and pulled under by whatever they had injected on the running line. A wave of fear creeped its way into her heart, flowing through her veins like ice water.

Turning her head to the other side, she saw him, sitting beside the bed. Scared, but still too drowsy to react, she remained lying down, unmoving. Bucky was looking at her with that same look to his eyes he'd shown her at the base, somewhere between protectiveness and heartbreak. He knew she was awake, but he, too, seemed somewhat wary of approaching her. He didn't want to scare her away again, he just wanted to show her that she was safe; the girl had been unconscious for a while, giving them enough time to make it back home, back to the Compound. Bucky's heart ached, remembering that he, too, had betrayed the little trust she had put in him. It would take him a while to get it back.

At first, he didn't touch her, preferring to keep his distance. He just smiled, and greeted her with a soft "Hey there". She remained seemingly paralyzed, staring at him wide eyed, trying to understand what was happening. She sat up, slowly, unsteadily, and tried to rip the needle off of her arm, but Bucky gently stopped her, grabbing her hand.

"Hey, hey, lie down" - he reassured - "we're not going to take that off, okay?"

Alysa tried to soothe the raging blizzard inside of her head and think clearly. Bucky wasn't touching her for the time being, but something told her he was probably angry at her. She had cried, and thrashed around and made a scene, so she deserved to be punished for that. She turned her head to look at him again, making sure to avert his gaze and keeping her eyes low.

She remembered he had told her she could speak English around him, so she decided to give it a try, even though her mind seemed to be running much faster than her mouth could keep up with.

"I'm- I'm sorry..." - she managed to croak out, just clearly enough for Bucky to understand

Bucky shook his head, and his face fell, noticing the badly concealed terror in her eyes.

"You did nothing wrong. If anything, I owe you an apology" - he comforted, much like he had done before - "I'm very sorry we restrained you, маленький, and I'm sorry we had to put you to sleep. I know that was scary, but we got your wounds clean, got some water and meds into your body, it will feel better soon"

The girl looked completely lost, as if nothing he was saying made any sense. She wasn't, at all, used to being on the receiving end of the apologies. Silence fell between the pair, as Alysa gathered her thoughts and regained control of her brain once more. It still didn't make sense to her, why was the Winter Soldier apologizing to her? He had been telling the truth; they had restrained her to help her. She couldn't quite figure out why he had helped her at all. Mustering all of her bravery, she decided to speak up, in a low, quiet voice, asking the question that had been on her mind for a while:

"Sir... may I ask you something?"

Bucky nodded, his features turning to surprised ones for a brief second, and waited.

"You- you are the зимний солдат. Are you not? The soldiers told me about you"

Bucky hesitated for a moment before replying:

"I was the Winter Soldier, yes, but that's not who I am anymore" - he explained - "Hydra trained me to be their soldier. Much like they did to you, but I was saved, and I recovered, and now I'm Bucky Barnes again"

Alysa just nodded, taking in the information, but didn't say anything. What did he mean, he'd been "saved"? How was she supposed to be "saved" when it felt like there was nothing left inside of her to save? Nothing but the broken, confused mess Hydra had left behind. Bucky proceeded.

"You will heal, too. I know it's hard, I know exactly what you're going through" - he went on explaining - "it's possible to heal, sweetheart. We're here to help"

Without her even noticing, tears had welled up in her eyes. She bit them back, making every effort not to let them fall, trying to hold back her emotions and failing. She wasn't used to all that warmth. The weight of years and years of abuse and loneliness seemed too much to hold in, but Alysa was too scared to let it all out. As if reading her thoughts (in reality, it wasn't hard at all for the man to read everything from her facial features), Bucky spoke:

"You can cry, if you want to. Don't be afraid. You're safe" - he coaxed, softly, encouragingly

Alysa sniffled. The ex-soldier gently caressed her hair as she let the tears fall, sobbing quietly.

"I know. Just let it out, little one. You don't need to hold that in" - he said to her - "I'm so proud of you, you were so, so brave"

She felt the cold, frozen hand of grief and fear slowly loosen its grip on her chest; still there, but not enough to keep her from finally letting out all of the things she had been keeping inside. She cried for a good while, until she was left exhausted and there were no tears left. Alysa eventually quieted, and as she looked up at Bucky with tired, bloodshot eyes, he helped her lay back on the bed and pulled the sheets over her body. They stayed silent for a minute, letting her regain her composure. Bucky eventually broke the silence:

"Sweetheart, can I ask you something?"

Alysa looked at him and nodded.

"You still don't remember your name, do you?"

"солдат" - she replied - "that's... what they called me. I don't - I don't have any other name. I don't remember, I-"

Bucky sighed heavily, eyes suddenly sad.

"I know. Don't worry about it, we'll figure it out"

"Sometimes- sometimes I almost remember something. But every time it happened, every time I almost remembered, I would be wiped again... and it hurt... I'm- I'm scared of remembering"

Bucky knew exactly what she meant. Remembering his past life, back in his Hydra years, had always meant pain and hurt and sorrow, so eventually he, too, became scared to remember. That was, until someone showed him there was no longer need to be afraid.

"I know. I know, дорогой. Things will start coming back to you. Just... rest, for now, okay?" - he asked - "you're with me and my family, now. You'll always be safe with us"

Family. It had been such a long time since Alysa had heard that word, she wasn't even sure of what it meant anymore.

Bucky motioned to stand up and leave her to rest on her own, but a gentle hold on his wrist stopped him. He looked down to see Alysa shyly grabbing his hand.

"Stay... please" - she asked, lowering her voice - "I- I don't want to be alone"

Bucky smiled, gently caressing her hand with his thumb and taking his seat beside her again.

"конечно, маленький" - he said - "you will never be alone again"

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now for the translations:

маленький - "little one"
зимний солдат - "winter soldier"
дорогой - "sweetheart"

"конечно, маленький" - "of course, little one"