black & gold

Chapter 4

Grace collapses against her front door as soon as it clicks shut behind her, falling to the
floor and letting a broken sob escapes her lips. She'd had this idea for how her life would
turn out. She would go to college and major in something predictable, maybe business,
and meet a man that she would love an adequate amount. They would marry and make
each other dinner on their off-days and spend their nights curled up in bed watching
Saturday Night Live. Maybe they'd have a dog. Maybe they'd have an accidental child
that she'd love more than the dog. Grace didn't want anything extravagant or
extraordinary - she wanted a quiet life with a nice man that would treat her kindly. She
didn't want this. She didn't even consider this.
This fucking hurts. It's not like Grace had a problem with gay people - in fact, she was
pretty sure that her brother Tim was gay himself. But she never thought she'd be the one
walking through the Pride Parade with her head held high.
Because that's what this is, right? She's gay. She has to be. A girl kissed her, on the
mouth, and she liked it. She liked it more than when Ross Dyer kissed her in the seventh
grade. She liked the way that Hannah's fingers brushed across her scalp, raising
goosebumps on her skin. She liked Hannah and she wanted to kiss her again and possibly
do even more.
"Do, uh -" Tim clears his throat, staring down at his sister's crying form in front of their
front door. He nervously picks at the peel of the orange he's clutching in his hands, "Do
you wanna talk about it?"
Grace takes a shaky breath and wipes at her eyes, "I didn't know you were home."
"Don't worry, I'm the only one here. Mom and dad are at some dinner thing and John...
well, I don't know where John is," Tim shrugs and continues to stand awkwardly in front
of Grace, "So do you wanna talk about it?"
"No," Grace shakes her head, though she kind of does want to talk about it.
"Alright," Tim responds, slowly backing away from his sister.
"Wait," Grace sniffs at looks up at her brother, "Can you keep a secret?"
Tim stares at Grace for a moment before walking back towards her, sitting down next to
her on the entrance mat to their house. "Tell me."
Grace had always had something specialwith Tim. She was closer with him than she was
with anyone else in her family, which she assumes is due to their small age gap. Tim was
a bit younger than her and more awkward, but he was definitely wiser. And he was sort
of the only person she'd ever talked to about her feelings, outside of Hannah.
"I did something bad," Grace says and looks over at Tim, eyes swimming with nerves. Tim takes a bite of his orange, "Do you need help hiding the body?"
"I didn't - God, Tim, can you be serious for a second?" Grace asks, running a hand
through her bangs.
Tim sighs and puts his orange down beside him, "What did you do?"
Grace bites her lip and keeps silent, staring down at her hands.
"I can't read your mind, Grace."
"I kissed a girl," Grace manages to say, shaking her head immediately after the words
leave her mouth, "Well, she kissed me. I didn't... I didn't stop her. I liked it. Sort of. A
lot."
"And?"
"And... that's it," Grace replies, eyes wide as she looks up at Tim.
"That's it? You're sobbing against the front door because you kissed a girl and you liked
it? That's not very Katy Perry of you," Tim giggles at his joke before glancing over at his
sister and noticing her glare, "Sorry. Uh. I don't see the problem, Grace."
"Tim, I'm... I'm not... gay," Grace grimaces, saying the last word like it tastes horribly
on her tongue.
"Well you're clearly not straight," Tim scoffs, "Look, it's not a big deal. You don't have
to limit your sexuality to some dumb label. And you're right, you're not gay. I've known
you for my entire life and you're definitely not gay. But that doesn't mean you can't have
feelings for a girl."
Grace pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them, "I don't want to."
"Then don't. Do what you want to do. Don't over think it. Like, right now, I really want
to eat this orange, see?" Tim holds up his orange in front of Grace, "But I already had
three oranges tonight. But I still want this one. So I'm gonna eat it," Tim takes a bite of
his orange, "That's a lot how love works I'm pretty sure. Just eat whoever this girl is if
you want to and don't eat her if you don't want to. Oh God, don't eat her. I didn't mean
that. Well, I mean, if you want to eat her then you should go ahead, that's the point. Eat is
a bad word. Let's go with love instead. Love her-"
"Jesus, Tim, stop," Grace cringes and runs her hands over her temples, "You're giving
me a headache."
"Wait, I have one more wise thing to say," Tim says and Grace rolls her eyes, motioning
him to continue, "Figure out what you want first. Like, really figure out what you want.
Because you don't want to mess with someone else before you know what it is you're
looking for." "Are you done now?"
Tim nods, jumping to his feet, "Don't do drugs. Stay in school."
Grace watches as Tim sprints off through the house, clambering up the stairs on all fours.
She sits in front of the door for a few more minutes, half of her brain considering Tim's
advice and the other half wondering what would happen if he were to run down the stairs
on all fours. She's sure it would be funny.
-
"Tyler, fuck," Hannah groans as soon as Tyler opens his front door, "I fucked this up so
terribly."
"Well hello to you too, Hannah," Tyler rolls his eyes and shuts his door, following
Hannah as she stomps into his living room, tossing herself on his couch.
"I kissed her and she hated it. She cried and made me take her home. I fucking-" Hannah
punches her hand into a pillow on Tyler's couch, "-fucked everything up."
Tyler stares down at his pillow, "Stop that. Those are Egyptian cotton."
Hannah grunts and tosses the pillow aside, "What am I supposed to do?"
"So let me get this straight," Tyler holds a hand to his forehead and shuts his eyes, trying
to piece together the mess that Hannah just threw at him, "You kissed this Kennedy girl
you've been crushing on. She didn't like it and she cried. You took her home. You think
you fucked it up. Right?"
Hannah purses her lips, "I don't know if she hated it, I mean... she was into it for a
while. She fucking ran her hand down my stomach but then she just freaked out and
started crying and told me to take her home."
Tyler laughs, loud and full, and Hannah swats him with a pillow.
"Why are you laughing at this? This isn't fucking funny, Tyler," Hannah groans.
"Hannah, she didn't hate it, alright? It's straight girl syndrome, which I'm assuming is
similar to straight boy syndrome, which I have experienced loads of last year when I
went through my 'I'm going to make out with football players' stage," Tyler smiles to
himself at the memory, "Look, if she responded to the kiss and was into it before she
freaked out, it just means that she freaked herself out when she realized that she was
making out with a girl."
Hannah looks over at Tyler, "Are you sure that's what it is?"
"Well, I wasn't there, so I can't say for sure, but that's what it seems like to me," Tyler
shrugs, "Just give her some time. She'll come around. They always do." "I don't know, Ty," Hannah contemplates his theory, "I didn't freak out when I realized I
liked girls."
"Yeah, because you were like two years old," Tyler's comment earns him another slap
across the arm, "Ow. God, stop doing that. Anyway, I think the difference is that you
realized you liked girls. Plural. Kennedy Girl realized she liked you. Singular. It was a
gradual thing for you, y'know? You always knew, on some level, that you were more
attracted to girls than boys. But for straight people, it's like... their entire little straight
world is thrown off balance because suddenly they're attracted to someone of the same
gender. And that fucks with a person. It's like if a boy kissed you and you liked it.
Wouldn't that freak you out?"
Hannah opens her mouth to argue but quickly shuts it because, yeah, that would freak her
out. A lot.
"So I should just not talk to her, then?" Hannah asks, seemingly put-off by the idea.
"Give her space. She's probably really scared right now and she doesn't need you
pressuring her," Tyler replies.
Hannah nods and looks over at her friend, "You're the best friend in the world, you know
that?"
Tyler wraps his arms around Hannah's shoulders and grins, "I do know."
-
Grace pokes at her spaghetti with her fork, moving it around her lunch tray and letting
out a long sigh.
"Okay, that's the tenth time you've sighed in two minutes. Spill," Mamrie commands,
leaning forward on her arms across the lunch table she's seated at with Grace and a few
other girls from their track team.
Grace looks up at Mamrie and shakes her head, "It's nothing, sorry."
"You're a horrible liar, Helbig. Something's up and I know it. So tell me."
Grace glances over at the four other girls sitting at their lunch table. Maybe in a different
setting she'd be open to telling Mamrie the shit that's happening in her head, but not like
this. Not when two girls that are both named Brittany are seated next to her. Grace had
seen too many awful ABC Family movies to know that you just can't trust Brittany's that
travel in packs. You just can't.
"Not now," Grace says to Mamrie before tilting her head towards the girls sitting beside
her.
Mamrie nods in understanding and leans back in her chair, "Alright. But you will tell me what's up with you later."
"Oh! Grace!" Brittany #1 suddenly exclaims, "Don't look behind you. Mitchell is
walking right over here."
Grace immediately tenses up, remembering that Mamrie had taken it upon herself to set
her up with Mitchell. Her body tenses even more when she feels a hand land on her
shoulder.
"Hey, Grace?" Mitchell questions, waiting for Grace to turn around before he continues,
"Could we talk? Somewhere a little bit more private?"
The two Brittany's squeal with delight and Mamrie mumbles a soft "aw yeah girl" under
her breath. Grace simply nods and stands up, letting Mitchell lead her out of the lunch
room.
They stop once they're in the less-crowded hallway and Mitchell turns to her, a large,
white smile painted on his face. "Hi hello."
"Hi," Grace responds cautiously, a bit confused by his choice of greeting.
Mitchell takes a breath, "I know that Mamrie talked to you about this, but I'd like to
officially ask you out sometime. On a date."
Grace tries not to laugh at how formal he seems and instead shifts her weight awkwardly,
"I don't even know you that well."
"I know, yeah," Mitchell frowns, "I just... you seem great, y'know? And I'd like to get to
know you better. It wouldn't be a big deal or anything - just a really casual date."
Grace desperately wants to feel something for the long-haired boy with gauges, but she
doesn't. All she can think about is how she wishes it was Hannah standing in front of her
instead. But instead of doing the logical thing and turning down the boy in front of her,
Grace says -
"Yes. I'd like that."
And though her heart doesn't beat faster when Mitchell smiles back at her in relief in the
same way it does when Hannah smiles at her, she's happy with her decision. She's happy
with it because Mitchell Davis is a boy. A denim-jacket-clad, Old Spice-smelling boy.
And he doesn't make her feel like her entire world is tipping off of its axis - he makes her
feel like there's a small possibility that her perfect, boring life she had planned out for
herself could still be real.
"Well, I was thinking that maybe we could go together to Jenna Mourey's party on
Wednesday. I could pick you up, if you'd like," Mitchell smiles, shoving his hands into
the pockets of his skinny jeans. Grace nods, "That's... that's fine. Give me your number, alright? I'll text you my
address."
As Mitchell takes Grace's phone from her, a thought strikes the blonde: Mitchell is safe
and Hannah is dangerous. Hannah fucks up everything she thought she knew about
herself and everything she had planned for her future and that's completely and totally
dangerous.
But despite all of this, Hannah Hart still makes Grace feel more safe than she'd ever felt
in her entire life. And that makes things even more complicated because now the line
between safe and dangerous is blurry and Grace doesn't know what makes sense
anymore.
It terrifies her.