black & gold

Chapter 6

When Grace wakes up, sunlight immediately burns her eyes. She winces and brings a
hand to her face before rolling over and realizing that the sheets she's wrapped in aren't
the usual light blue color she's used to. None of her bedding is the same. She's curled in
dark grey sheets and a black comforter. When she glances behind her, a black pillow rests
against a white wall. Grace sits up quickly and then groans as a stabbing pain courses
through her head.
"You awake?"Hannah's voice calls out and Grace immediately jumps, spinning around to
see Hannah wrapped up in a beige, fuzzy blanket on the ground.
"What are you..." Grace's voice trails off as the events from last night slowly come
flooding back to her. Oh.
"I didn't want to sleep up there. It's, ah... it's weird, y'know?" Hannah comments and
runs a hand over the back of her neck, frowning at the kink that had formed in her
muscles while she slept on the hardwood, "Did you sleep well?"
Grace nods, "Yeah, thanks for... thanks for last night. I'm really sorry about that."
"Don't be sorry, okay? I'm really glad you called," Hannah reassures her friend and gives
her a warm smile, "I was worried you'd never want to talk to me again."
Grace purses her lips and she stares down at her hands, "I... I didn't."
Hannah's face falls and she exhales slowly before responding with a simple, "Oh."
"I didn't mean it like that," Grace sighs and runs a hand through her hair, "It's just... You
scare me, Hannah. I'm sort of constantly afraid of everything around me. Everything
terrifies me. But when I look at you..." Grace tilts her head to the side and examines
Hannah's face for a brief moment, "When I look at you it's like everything isn't so scary
anymore. And I have this moment where I feel safe and whole. And then when I realize
that it's you that makes me feel that way I become even more terrified than I was before.
Because you're... you're not ideal. And I don't know which type of fear is worse. My
fear of you or my fears that exist without you."
Hannah nods and Grace isn't sure if it's a nod of understanding or acknowledgement or
simply a social requirement. The brunette takes a moment to collect her thoughts before
she responds, careful to word her speech in the right way. Though, if Hannah were to be
frank, she would admit that she'd been preparing this monologue in her head for the past
three nights.
"I've never kissed someone without an intention of sleeping with them afterwards. I don't
do relationships, Grace. I fuck girls and I let them fuck me sometimes, but I don't... I
don't let it go beyond that because that's just not what I'm about. I'm just looking for a
good time. But when I met you - and I mean, when I really met you, beyond all that
initial attraction and lust bullshit, it was like... suddenly there was this person in my life that I wanted to do all that dumb shit with. The cuddling and the holding hands and the
innocent kissing. I want that with you. And I've never wanted that with anybody. So you
kind of scare the shit out of me too, alright?" Hannah sighs and pulls her knees to her
chest, "But if you don't want to pursue anything with me, that's fine. I don't want you to
feel like I'm pressuring you or anything, I just... I wanted you to know."
Grace takes a breath and stares down at her hands, suddenly fascinated by the familiar
lines and contours lining her palms. When she finally manages to compose herself, she
responds, "I don't think I want this. I wouldn't be any good at it. It... it wouldn't be good
for me, I don't think. At least not now."
And, despite the lack of cohesion in Grace's words, Hannah understands.
"Yeah, I get it," Hannah mumbles in response, neglecting to vocalize the thought that
immediately follows her comment: I wouldn't be any good for you, either. "It's fine."
There's a hint of bitterness in Hannah's voice that betrays her sentiment and Grace feels
her heart twinge at how hard it must be for the brunette. When she looks up, she sees
Hannah's face slip out of its previous vulnerability and into its usual facade of strength.
"Are you hungry?" Hannah grins, running a hand through her hair.
Grace sighs, "I'm gonna be late for school."
"You're already late. It's noon," Hannah laughs and gestures towards the analog clock
beside her bed.
When Grace looks over at the time, she groans and puts her head in her hands, "Shit. I
had a test today, Hannah."
"You can retake it," Hannah suggests with a shrug and jumps to her feet, making her way
towards her closet, "Just come out and get lunch, okay? My friend Tyler can meet up
with us. You'd really like him."
Grace frowns at the thought of another person joining them on their lunch date and then
she frowns even more for wanting to be alone with Hannah.
Stop it, Grace.
-
"Well if it isn't the infamous Kennedy Girl," Tyler grins, bearing a set of sparkling, white
teeth, as he approaches the two girls already seated at a table in In-N-Out.
Grace glances up at the boy and she smiles in return, "Nice to meet you."
"It's a pleasure," Tyler responds before sitting down and folding his hands neatly on the
table, "So. What has Hannah told you about me?" "Oh, um... well she said you're her best friend," Grace comments, trying to remember if
Hannah had ever mentioned the lavender-haired boy before.
Tyler rolls his eyes, "Best friend? That's it?" Tyler sighs, "And after all she's said about
you, I'm hurt."
"She's said things about me?" Grace questions, dipping one of her fries into a pile of
ketchup.
Tyler ignores the look that Hannah shoots his way and instead he grins, "Oh she just goes
on and on about you. Grace is so sweet, Grace is so beautiful, you'd love Grace if you
met her, I want to-"
"Christ, Tyler, shut up," Hannah groans and slides her fries over to her friend, "Eat
something."
"You don't have to tell me," Tyler winks before shoving a handful of fries into his mouth,
"It's nice to meet you, though, Grace. Honestly, Hannah says good things."
Grace blushes and nods, "Thanks. Yeah, it's nice to meet you, too."
"So are you two..." Tyler waves a fry at the two girls, "...together yet, or what?"
Grace immediately flushes pink and looks down. Across from her, Hannah glares at
Tyler, shaking her head, "No, Ty. We're just friends."
Tyler raises an eyebrow, "Okay, okay. Just checking."
"I'm seeing someone," Grace blurts out and she's not entirely sure why she does it. It's
not as if she's seeing Mitchell - they went out once to a house party together and that
ended with her outside in the pool with another guy. So, no, she's not seeing anyone. But
for some reason the words roll off her tongue like she wants them to be true. Because
maybe if she was with someone she'd have a God damn reason for her to stop thinking
about the girl across the table.
Hannah turns to face Grace, "You are?"
Though hesitant, Grace nods and looks up at Hannah, letting her eyes lock on blue ones
for just a second too long before she breaks their gaze, "Yeah. Kind of."
"Oh," Hannah replies, not even bothering to hide the disappointment in her voice.
Tyler glances between the two girls before he clears his throat, "Well then... you
could've fooled me," Tyler shrugs before tossing a fry into his mouth, "So who's this...
person... you're seeing?"
Grace shifts in her seat and shakes her head, "Just a guy from my school. Mitchell."
"Mm," Tyler nods in acknowledgment and the glance that he gives Hannah doesn't go unnoticed by Grace.
The rest of their meal is filled with insignificant comments about how school and life in
general is going.
-
"Hey, Grace?" Tyler calls out to the blonde while she makes her way back to Hannah's
car. Hannah had told Grace to wait in the Hyundai for her while she made a phone call to
her school.
Grace spins around and smiles at Tyler, "What's up?"
"I know it's not my place to interfere, but Hannah is my best friend. And she really cares
about you. So if you don't want anything to do with her, that's fine. But this whole in
between thing that you two are doing... that's not okay. And I know that Hannah's too
nice to ever say anything to you about it, but it's going to end up tearing her apart," Tyler
says, his usual happiness wiped clean off of his face. "And she doesn't deserve something
like that. She's been through too much shit in life to deal with this, too."
Grace isn't sure what the boy means by his final sentence, but she tries not to dwell on it.
Instead she nods, unable to form a response with her dried out throat.
"Just do the right thing."
-
When Hannah pulls into Grace's driveway and shuts off her car, there's a pregnant
silence that falls over the two of them. It's only relieved when Grace exhales loudly and
runs a hand through her hair.
"I'm sorry. I know I've been saying that a lot lately, but I'm really, really sorry," Grace
apologizes, feeling her voice crack at the words.
Hannah nods and looks over at her, "It's fine, Grace. Really. You don't have to be sorry
for your feelings."
Grace wants to let Hannah know that it's really not that simple, but she doesn't. She
doesn't have the strength to tell the brunette that she knows nothing of what's going on
with her feelings.
"I'd like to be friends," Grace finally manages to say, unsure of her words but sure of the
fact that she doesn't want Hannah to go away completely. Not yet. Not ever, possibly.
And although Tyler warned her that being friends with Hannah could only end in
disaster, she was willing to take that chance.
Hannah looks over at the blonde in her passenger seat and gives her a warm smile
because as much as it hurts her to look at Grace, she knows that it would hurt more not to look at her at all.
"I'd like that, too."
"Good," Grace responds and nods to herself, suddenly painfully aware that the silence
between her and Hannah isn't as comfortable as it usually is. She clears her throat and
throws open her passenger door, "I'll, uh... I'll see you around, then."
"See you around," Hannah echoes back.
Just like every time before, she waits for Grace to enter her house and flick on her lights
before she pulls out of her driveway and sets off towards her own town.