black & gold

Chapter 17

It takes a lot for Hannah to stand on Grace's front porch. She takes a minute (or maybe
five) to collect her thoughts and rehearse her speech. Tyler had told her to stop worrying
about it and just be honest with Grace, but that's not how Hannah functioned. Everything
needed to be planned out just-
"Hannah?" Grace asks as her front door creaks open.
Hannah's eyes focus on the blonde in front of her, hair in a messy bun, and she gives her
a weak smile, "Hi."
"Hi," Grace responds and gives her a small smile in return, "How long were you out
here?"
"Just a minute," Hannah says and shakes her head, "Grace, I'm so sorr-"
"I'm sorry, too," Grace frowns, "It's... I overreacted. I thought about it and it really
shouldn't matter why you started talking to me. All that matters is how we feel now,
right?"
Hannah blinks and nods, not expecting such a sweet welcome from Grace, "Uh, yeah.
Right."
"Want to come in?" Grace smiles and opens her door wider, "My parents aren't home..."
The sincerity and promise in Grace's voice makes Hannah forget her speech entirely.
Instead, she nods, dumfounded, and follows Grace into the house she'd grown so familiar
to. Although the furniture looks the same, it's suddenly uninviting. The entire Helbig
residence makes Hannah feel guilty - like she shouldn't be here. Not after what she did.
When they reach Grace's room, Hannah watches as the blonde jumps onto her bed and
crosses her legs into a seated position.
"Come on," Grace says after a few beats of silence while Hannah stands in the doorway.
Hannah slowly closes the gap between them and stands at the edge of Grace's bed,
reaching down and holding Grace's face in her palms.
"What?" Grace smiles and holds onto one of Hannah's wrists with her hand.
"You're kind of gorgeous," Hannah responds and strokes her thumb across Grace's
cheek. When Grace blushes and looks down in turn, Hannah tilts her face up and captures
her lips.
In turn, Grace tugs on Hannah's shirt and pulls the smaller girl down on top of her on the
bed. Hannah knows where this is going and it doesn't feel right, not at all.
"I love you," Hannah whispers when Grace's lips part from hers for a moment to take a breath.
"I love you, too," Grace smiles and starts to pull Hannah back down to her.
Hannah shakes her head in response and holds herself up on her arms, hovering over the
girl beneath her, "I'm so sorry."
"Hannah, we've covered this, it's fine-"
"I did something horrible," Hannah interrupts and when Grace sees the redness in her
eyes, she stops protesting, "And I need you to forgive me."
"What did you do?" Grace asks, although she's fairly certain that she already knows the
answer.
"It was a mistake,"
"What'd you do, Hannah?" Grace repeats and places her hand on Hannah's cheek.
Hannah chokes out a sob and lets stray tears roll down her cheeks, "I slept with Stacey."
As if on cue, Grace's hand falls from Hannah's face and drops to the bed. Hannah rolls to
the side of the stoic girl and curls herself into a ball, continuing her sobs.
When she feels Grace's arms wrap around her and rub small circles into her back,
Hannah doesn't have the strength to question it. Because she just told her girlfriend that
she slept with someone else and she's holding her and kissing the top of her head. And
maybe, Hannah thinks, if she questions it, it'll all go away.
"It was too good," Grace's voice cracks.
"What?" Hannah manages to mumble through her tears.
"You and I. It was too good to last," Grace whispers.
"No, Grace," Hannah exhales sharply and leans back, staring in Grace's eyes, "Please
don't say that. I can make this up to you - I'll do anything, Grace, I'll-"
"It's okay," Grace gives Hannah a weak smile and it's the first time since her confession
that Hannah sees tears brimming in the blonde's eyes, "All good things come to an end,
right?"
"No," Hannah pleads and she feels a fresh wave of tears hit her, "Grace, please. I need
this. I need you."
"I don't want you to need me," Grace responds and drags her thumb across Hannah's
cheeks, wiping away her tears, "I just... this all moved so fast, y'know? And I don't think
either of us are ready for this much commitment."
"Please don't," Hannah begs and shuts her eyes, "Please."
"Maybe this would've worked out if we had met when we were older," Grace suggests,
"When we both had life figured out and were ready for something serious."
"We never would've met," Hannah responds and shakes her head, "You'd be off doing
big things and making people laugh and I'd probably still be here. Stuck."
"You'll do big things, too," Grace responds, "I know you will."
"I don't know what I'm going to do now," Hannah says weakly and looks up at Grace,
eyes locking with hers, "You're the only stable thing I have."
"Be your own stability."
And although Hannah didn't know it at the time, it was the greatest piece of advice that
she'd ever received.
-
"Uh oh," Tyler says when Hannah appears on his doorstep once again, this time holding a
new duffel bag.
"Mind if I crash here for a little while longer?" Hannah asks and gives him a small smile.
Tyler nods, "As long as you need."
"It won't be long," Hannah says with a heavy sigh and she throws her body onto Tyler's
couch, "I have a plan."
"Does that plan include Grace?" Tyler questions and sits beside his best friend.
Hannah shakes her head, "It doesn't include anyone. Just me."
"Are you gonna tell me this plan of yours?"
"No... not yet," Hannah responds and looks over at Tyler, "I think this is something I
need to figure out on my own."
"Huh," Tyler smirks and folds his arms, "Hannah Hart is growing up."
"Fuck you," Hannah laughs and punches Tyler in the arm.
"I thought you'd be more upset about Grace," Tyler says and leans his head onto his
palm.
Hannah sighs heavily and leans back on Tyler's couch, "I was at first, but... I think it's a
good thing. There's too much happening in my life right now for me to give Grace the
things that she deserves. And she deserves everything."
"You really love her, huh?"
"I do, but... we had terrible timing, me and Grace. It's like meeting your soulmate when
neither of you are prepared to be together. You know?"
Tyler nods and folds his hands, "So it's over, then? For good?"
"For now," Hannah stresses and then shakes her head, "Well, probably for good. Part of
me believes that I'll end up marrying Grace somehow but the other part - the more
realistic part - knows that there's a very, very large chance that I'll never see her again."
"I've always hated being realistic."
Hannah thinks she should hate it, too. With her current situation being as fucked up as it
is, she should loathe the idea of being realistic over being hopeful. But she can't shake
the fact that Grace was real. She is real. And if a human being as perfect as Grace Helbig
can exist, than maybe being realistic for a change wouldn't be the worst thing in the
world.
Maybe it's what she needs.