black & gold

Chapter 16

Hannah wakes up when she feels sunlight hot on her skin. It takes her eyes a moment to
adjust to the lighting, but when they do, the weight of her mistake hits her like a brick
wall.
"Fuck," Hannah groans and throws her head back against the rear door of her car, waking
up the girl sleeping on top of her in the process.
"Hey," Stacey mumbles sleepily and rubs at her eyes, "What time is it?"
Hannah reaches for her phone that had fallen to the floor and presses her home button,
sighing when she reads the time, "Seven."
"Guess we wore ourselves out last night," Stacey grins and presses a kiss to Hannah's
chest - bare except for her bra.
"Shit, Stacey, about that..." Hannah starts, resting a palm on her forehead to dull her
throbbing headache, "That was a mistake. All of it."
"Figured so," Stacey sighs and awkwardly clambers off of Hannah's body, sitting on the
opposite side of her back seat and pulling her knees to her chest, "But can I ask you
something?"
"I guess so," Hannah responds and reaches for her shirt.
Stacey purses her lips in thought before speaking, "I just... it's because of Grace, right?
Why you can't be with me?"
"That's part of it, yeah. That and the fact that you and I would never work out, Stace,"
Hannah explains and runs a hand through her disheveled hair.
"I know, I know," Stacey rolls her eyes, "But the Grace part is what I want to ask you
about. If you love her so much - as much as you said you did last night - then why did
you sleep with me?"
"Why does that matter?" Hannah asks, pulling her shirt over her head.
"Because if someone ever talked about me the way you talked about Grace last night... I
don't know, I guess it'd just be hard for me to comprehend why they'd ever want to fuck
that up," Stacey shrugs, "And I'm not saying this to make things awkward, I promise, but
if I was Grace... and I got to be with you... I'd never cheat. Ever."
Hannah looks up at Stacey with red eyes and shakes her head, "I don't know what you
want me to say, Stace. Are you trying to make me feel like a shitty person? Because
that's kind of what you're doing right now."
"No," Stacey sighs, "I just... I want to understand, that's all."
"Tyler Oakley was fucking right. That's why I slept with you," Hannah says and rests her
forehead in her palms, "He was right about everything. I'm not the girl that has
relationships. I'm the girl that sleeps around."
"I don't think you think highly enough of yoursel-"
"There's nothing to think highly of, Stace. I'm a shitty person. I always have been and I
always will be. And that's just the way it is."
"Hannah-"
"Get out of my car," Hannah sighs and reaches for her keys, "I have to get some things."
Stacey frowns, "Can I come with you? I don't think you're thinking clearl-"
"Get out of my fucking car, Stacey. Please," Hannah orders and when Stacey sees the
tears brimming on her lashes, she complies.
-
Hannah fumbles with the ladder she stole out of her shed and places it against the side of
her house, straightening it out before climbing its rungs. When she reaches the top,
Hannah jumps onto the small roof that covers the renovated guest room in her home and
pulls herself up to her window sill. With one fluid motion, Hannah's falling onto her
bedroom floor.
"Fuck," Hannah grumbles and rubs at her head.
She wastes no time in grabbing the black duffel bag under her bed and running to her
closet, filling it with whatever she can grab.
"Hannah?" A small voice calls out and Hannah freezes momentarily before turning to
face her younger sister in her doorway.
"Hey, Mags," Hannah whispers and bends down, letting Maggie run toward her and
engulf her in tiny arms.
"I miss you," Maggie mumbles softly, "Are you going to come home?"
"I... I don't think so, babe," Hannah frowns, "But I'm gonna get you out of here, okay? I
don't know how I'm gonna do it just yet, but I'm gonna get you out."
"I don't want to go anywhere," Maggie responds and rests her palms on the back of
Hannah's neck.
Hannah's eyes search Maggie's own before she takes in a shaky breath, "Is dad being
good to you?"
Maggie smiles and nods happily, "We got frozen yogurt yesterday."
"He's not being mean? Not hurting you?"
"No," Maggie stresses and shakes her head, "He would never hurt me. I love him."
"Yeah," Hannah nods, "You really do, huh?" Maggie bobs her head in return. "You know
you can call me, right? When I leave for good?"
"Don't go, Hannah," Maggie responds and wraps her arms around Hannah's neck once
again.
"I have to, babe," Hannah whispers and rubs circles in her sisters back, "I'll visit you,
though. A lot."
"Do you promise?"
"I promise," Hannah responds and brushes loose hairs away from Maggie's forehead.
"Will Grace visit?"
Hannah bites her lip and looks down at the floor, struggling to keep herself composed, "I
don't... I don't know, Mags. I really don't."
"I hope she does," Maggie says softly and places a small hand on Hannah's cheek, "I like
her."
"Yeah... me too, babe. Me too."
-
After ten unanswered phone calls and six text messages with no replies, Hannah ends up
on Tyler's doorstep.
"Shit," Tyler says as he looks at Hannah standing on his porch, duffel bag in one hand
and pillow in the other, "Come on in."
Hannah exhales in relief and follows Tyler into his house and towards his room.
"Is it over between you two?" Tyler asks, folding his arms and sitting on his bed.
Hannah shakes her head, "I don't know."
"Have you talked to her?"
"She hasn't fucking picked up her phone or responded to my texts in the past 24 hours so
no, I haven't talked to her," Hannah snaps and tosses her phone across the room, letting it
hit Tyler's wall with a thud.
"Calm down, will you?" Tyler rolls his eyes and grabs Hannah's phone off the ground,
"It's not a big deal, Hannah. She'll get over it. Just give her some time."
"It's not just that," Hannah frowns and looks up at her best friend, "I fucked up, Ty. I... I
fucked Stacey."
"Hm," Tyler nods in response and stares down at his palms.
After a moment of silence passes between the two of them, Hannah sighs heavily, "You
can say 'I told you so.'"
"Why would I say that?" Tyler frowns and looks over at the brunette sitting next to him.
"Because you called this, right? Me fucking up with Grace somehow?"
"Jesus, no," Tyler shakes his head, "Hannah, I never wanted this, okay? All that shit I
talked was before I met Grace and saw you two together. You guys have something really
special and I honestly can't comprehend why you would sleep with Stacey fucking
Roberts of all people."
"I don't know, okay? It just happened. And it's like... I knew it was happening, y'know?
I always thought this whole fucking girls on the side thing was a mindless activity but... I
was aware of it, Ty. I could've stopped it at any moment but I didn't. And I honestly have
no fucking idea why I didn't because I've never loved anything like I love Grace and the
fact that I could do something like that to her... it makes me sick," Hannah sighs and runs
her hands through her hair, "Do you have any Advil?"
Tyler nods and reaches into his nightstand, tossing a pill bottle to Hannah, "Sleep it off
and figure out what you want to do tomorrow morning."
"I want Grace," Hannah responds and dry swallows a pill, wincing as it travels down her
throat.
"Then talk to her tomorrow," Tyler suggests with a shrug and Hannah wishes it were
really that easy.
"She'll never forgive me," Hannah mumbles and lays back on Tyler's bed, staring up at
the patterns forming in his wood ceiling.
"That's a possibility," Tyler responds and lays next to Hannah, turning his head to look at
her, "But you still have to try."
Hannah doesn't bother keeping the conversation alive anymore. Instead, she curls into
Tyler's side and wraps an arm around him, letting the grey-haired boy wrap his own
around her in response.
She doesn't sleep as well as she does when she's in Grace's arms, but it's an
improvement.