The ghost of us

Forever temporary

The morning light filed through my curtain, the light breaking on our faces as we laid sprawled on my now messy bed. As I lazily opened my eyes, flashback of last night came rushing into my mind, and I smiled. The one thing I had yearned for all these years was finally mine, but also was probably leaving when she woke up and realized, much like I did, what really happened last night. 

To me it was bliss, heaven. To her though, it was all probably a mistaken experiment. I watched her sleep a little longer, taking in her features before getting up and going to make coffee for the both of us, just as I had dreamt of doing so many times.  I grabbed two of my favorite coffee mugs- Slytherin and hufflepuff- and poured the delicious black bean into the cups, topping them both with hazelnut creamer. I tiptoed carefully into the bedroom, making sure not to spill a drop of the magic wake up juice, and sat them on the correlating bedside table. 

Not long after i brought the coffee into the room, the aroma woke her up. Octavia stirred slightly and slowly opened her eyes, looking dead into my soul with a groggy smile. She rubbed her eyes with the palm of her hands and sat up slightly with a yawn, grabbing for the cup next to her as if this morning was routine to her. I watched her carefully, but cautiously enough to not get caught.

"Good morning, Scar. Thank you for the coffee, it smells enticing," She said in her raspy morning voice.

"Mornin'. You're welcome, it was no trouble." I offered a labored, yet genuine smile as I sipped my own coffee. 

"Last night.." She trailed off after a few minutes of silence. "Was it real?" She looked up at me with her hazel eyes from her cup. I couldn't read her well this morning, not as well as I used to at least.

"Very." Was all I could manage, looking into my now almost empty cup, contemplating getting more.

"Oh, good." She smiled sheepishly down into her lap, bringing the coffee back to her lips.

"Good?" I trailed off, staring at her in shock.

"Yes, good. Did you not think so? You seemed to enjoy yourself." Her tone was very matter of fact now and not at all bashful. 

I took a moment to relive last night in my mind; the way her breath felt against my skin, the way her hands grabbed at me, how her lips felt trailing down my collar bones, how her hair smelled as it fell in my face as she gripped my shoulders. Last night was probably the best night of my whole life, the night I had dreamt of for literal years, especially after she left me. I looked her in the eyes and just shook my head, sitting my cup down. 

"Scar, talk to me, what's wrong?" And as if the universe read my mind, her phone began to ring.

she looked at her phone and then back to me, wrapping herself in a nearby robe and standing up. 

"It's... it's Darwin.." She trailed off looking at me guiltily as she left the room.

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I knew I shouldn't listen, but I couldn't help myself, I mean she was literally just in my bed. I crept to my balcony door where we had sat last night giggling like children. She sat on a lawn chair with her knees to her chest, biting her nails as she spoke to her soon-to-be husband. 

I cracked the balcony door slightly to make sure she was okay, but before I could catch her attention, I caught a glimpse of the tears in her hazel eyes.

"It's not that I don't love you, Dar, it's just.. it all came back, just like I was afraid of. Every fucking feeling I've ever had for her and all she had to do was look at me." She went silent, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of my robe.

"I-I just think I rushed into this because I was so desperate to not feel anything towards her anymore, or because I wanted to redirect my feelings for her to someone else. Someone who was closer, someone who was there. Maybe even someone my family would approve of. Fuck, I don't know." She looked down at her feet as she listened to whatever was being said on the other line.

"You can hate me, I'd understand, but.. we slept together last night, and I... I don't think I can leave her again; I don't think I can live without her now that I know what being with her really feels like, now that I've finally found what it feels like to be in the same place with the biggest missing part of me. I've tried to find my soul four ten years, and it's been here in California- right where I knew it was the first time I spoke to her- all this time. " her whole paragraph came out as one long, exasperated breath, like if she didn't get it all off her chest right that second, that she would never admit it. 

Then as she listened to whatever Darwin had to say, she broke down, right as it started to rain.