The ghost of us

Coffee and Confessions

My coffee was scolding and just what I had needed to calm my nerves. French vanilla and no sugar, just like I liked it. The only difference between today and every other day I've come here is her... Octavia. 

"Isn't this the coffee shop you used to skype me in?" she chuckled softly as she sipped her tea and looked around. Admittedly I was shocked she recognized this place.  

"Actually, yes. It is. I'm a little surprised you remember that. " 

"Why wouldn't I remember? Scar, you were a huge part of my life for years. I couldn't just forget even if I tried. " There was something in her eyes as she spoke to me but I couldn't place what it was. 

I wanted to reach out and grab her face, smash my lips to hers. I didn't though. I had so much rage and hurt building in me that I knew better than to try and speak. Instead I simply nodded my head and stirred my coffee aimlessly. There wasn't anything I could say to change what was going to happen and I knew that. 

We stayed silent for what seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes before she spoke up again. 

"Scarlet, please say something to me, look at me, anything to show me you don't absolutely hate me." There was a pleading like pain in her voice that caught me off guard and I knew I would have to chose my words carefully. 

"What do you want me to say Ocatvia? That I'm happy you're here after waiting almost 9 years? That I'm fucking thrilled that I don't get to hug you or kiss you because you're getting married in a few days? Oh! How about that I'm so fucking torn apart that I can't even make my brain properly function these days so I sleep, eat, and go to work? Does any of that work for you?" By the time I was finished speaking, tears were relentlessly rolling down my cheeks and my breathing was hitching in my throat. I felt like I was being suffocated, but at the same time I felt so relieved. 

The look on her face was nothing short of hurt. I don't think she thought I felt the way that I did, but then again how could she? She never asked. Her face was filled with anxiety with what to say next. At this point, nothing else could hurt me. 

"Scarlet..." she sighed heavily, her voice was thick with sorrow. 

"Tell me what to say, Tavy. Please, because I just don't know." Tears were already streaming down my face. I couldn't contain it anymore. Her hand reached for me, falling on my knee. Her touch was so warm, like home.  

"Scarlet, shut up, I love you." Unlike last time, she was confident, cocky almost. I blinked my tears away and felt my jaw fall open slightly. Had she just said what I thought she said? 

"Impossible." Shit, that wasn't supposed to come out of my mouth.

"Nothing is impossible. I'm here for you. Not anyone or anything else, just you, Scarlet. I made a mistake, I think. I had to move on from you, though. You kept hurting me, and most days it seemed so intentional. It tore me apart, and I found myself constantly waiting for a girl who may not have ever come back." She was exasperated and her hazel eyes were misty. "So, I moved on. I gave up on you for the first time since I had seen you. I love him, Scarlet, I do. I was hoping that I would come here and see you, get some sort of closure, and I wouldn't feel anything towards you. Then I saw you in the rain, and I reached out to touch you-so stupid of me- and now I want to hold you. I feel it all over again. Everything we ever had together came flooding back to me and it was so intense. I can't stop this, Scar. I don't want to hurt him, he's so good to me, but here I am; still fucking in love with you." Tears crashed down her face like a wave that wouldn't stop. 

I was hurting her by just loving her. How could I?