The ghost of us

Double Takes

"I'm getting married.." 

The phone screen in my pale hands was illuminated, I had read the words, but I couldn't move. The air around me refused to enter my lungs, it wanted nothing to do with my crippling need for it, much like her. It was like I was having an out of body experience, and this poor girl in front of me.. The look of utter shock and heartbreak, the disheveled look of disbelief was painted on her face. 

I knew this girl, I saw her every day in my mirror, but now her lips were swollen from biting them so hard, trying to hold back her sobs, her blue eyes as clear as crystals from the oceans welling up in them. Her cheeks that were once pale and splattered with freckles was now so red and flushed that she looked ill, and lastly her blonde hair was a disaster from clutching it in her trembling hands as she tried to process that the girl she loved.. would never love her again. That  broken, pathetic little girl was me. 

I never thought that we would actually end, I never thought she would tell me something so huge and life altering in a text message; but she wasn't thinking about me or my feelings anymore.  At that moment and time, I couldn't remember how to breathe. I couldn't do anything but sob and feel my heart shatter on the ground beneath me. I couldn't seem to do anything but weep; my pillow was already drenched. It sank in, regardless of the unwanted nature of it's arrival. It sank in and gnawed at my very being from the inside out, like a parasite festering on a dead animal. 

I didn't think I would ever get over the epic and utter reject from the person I loved, and for years I didn't. Honestly, here we are three years after the breakup and I'm still a wreck over it; over her, Octavia. Tavy. 

She was a hurricane in my path, obliterating my heart in her wake and leaving the shards on the ground. The part that I can't get over though, is that, if given the choice, I'd gladly let her do the same thing over and over again, if it even amounted to a fraction of a chance for us; but that's just the wishful thinker in me. 

Here we are now, t-minus one month to her 'big day' and I can't seem to be the least bit happy for her. I mean, there's the rare text between us where we check in ( this last one being to tell me she's getting hitched) and I tell her how ecstatic I am for her-obviously a lie-and she gushes over her fantastic life.  It all makes me wretch. 

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September 15th

I wish someone had told me when i woke up that everything was about to change, but as usual, no one ever thinks to warn the protagonist, right? 

When I woke up this morning, it was raining. Unusual weather for fall in California, but oh well. I should have taken it as an ominous sign right away. I got myself up when my alarm screeched at me; 8:00 AM. I drank a pot of coffee before showering and getting myself ready for the day. A black tank top and pair of ripped up old jeans later, and I was out of my apartment with my keys in hand, phone in my pocket, and shoes on my feet by 10:30 AM. 

I had forgotten my umbrella, but I actually missed the rain sometimes. The water droplets on my skin forced me to remember all the late nights Octavia and I spent on skype, just listening to the rain outside of her bedroom window. 

5 days and the love of my life will belong to another man for the rest of hers. The person she claimed that completed her in the same way she once swore that I did. I wish I could say I thought she was lying about loving him and that it was all some elaborate scheme to cover up her actual love for me.. but again, that wasn't the case. I had been dreading this 'occasion' from the moment the words were said, but I couldn't seem to make myself intervene. 

I was caught in my thoughts when someone suddenly crashed into me head on. Admittedly, I was still pretty groggy and not fully self-aware yet, so the human collision was probably the majority my fault, if not all. 

This is going to sound odd, but the first red flag about this incident was the other persons scent. I swear to god I had smelt it before, and it had to be connected to a core memory because something began to spark in my head.   

I knew I would have known that scent anywhere. As I gathered my things, my trembling voice spoke up. 

"I'm so sorry."

"No, you're totally cool, let me help you up?" Her voice.. that voice. I would have known it anywhere, but I wouldn't allow myself to connect the pieces. 

My shaky hand reached put to grab hers, still not allowing myself to look up at the person before me. 

"T-thank you.." the wind whipped my hair around my face, forcing me to raise my head, meeting eyes with the last person I ever expected to see. My palms rubbed my tired eyes and I did a double take. 

"S-scarlet? Is that you?" I felt my blood freeze and my breathing stop. 

"Octavia.."