The ghost of us

Just me and your ghost

How could I have allowed this to happen? How could I have allowed myself to make her feel this way? 

I closed my balcony door silently and walked away, not wanting to hear the rest, not wanting to hear the sheer pain in her voice again. I went to my room and closed the door, cup of coffee in my hands as I stared at my dangling feet.

 'I am so fucking selfish. I made her cheat on the person she is meant to marry...' my thoughts trailed off into a spiral of self-hate and guilt with little sprinkles of anxiety looming over every other thought that my mind screamed at me. 

I was trapped in my self-pity when I heard the door open and shut and felt her body sit next to me without a word. I looked at her, I shouldn't have, but god dammit, I needed to look at her.

She was tired, her hazel eyes puffy and bloodshot, the tip of her perfect button nose red from rubbing it, and her hair a mess from undoubtedly running her nervous fingers through it, trying to distract herself.  She looked as though she was searching for something, anything to say.

I turned my head more obviously and opened my mouth, but before any words could escape my lips, she threw herself into my lap and wrapped her trembling arms and bruised legs around my body like a koala. She trembled and shook with every sob that racked her fragile frame, burying herself in my neck as if I were a ghost about to disappear- and I held her, tightly and softly at the same time, cooing at her and  combing through her ashy blue hair. 

She stayed attached to me for a while as I drank in her feel, her scent. I pulled her back reluctantly and made her look at me. The look on her face was so innocent and content, she looked at me like I was the only thing in the world holding her pieces together, the pieces I had torn apart.

"I heard you talking to Darwin, well the first part at least." I trailed off, struggling to look away from her. 

"I told him the truth, he deserved that." She looked away from me

I tried with everything in me not to look upset or disappointed. I knew what happens next. I knew that meant she was leaving, and that's why she was clinging to me like a new lover meeting their soul-mate for the first time. My heart was undoubtedly and audibly beating through my breast as I fumbled to ask the question I knew would hurt the most.

"What did he say?" my voice came out as a hoarse whisper instead of a fully formed question.

She searched my eyes timidly, processing what to say to me. She sighed heavily and wiped her red nose with my sleeve yet again.

"I mean," her voice was soft, like an ocean wave at night, yet anxious as she spoke to the ground beneath her fuzzy socks. "He was pretty hurt, but I think he knew that this was a possibility when I came here. He said he didn't blame you for loving me, and that he wished I loved him the way you and I love each other. I told him that it wasn't anything to do with him or anything wrong with him, that we were just... meant to be together. I mean, fuck, we always have been. We were so young and stubborn and the distance was hard, when all we wanted was to just be able to really be in front of one another and now... now we have that chance." She sounded like she was getting ready to soar from the pure relief in her voice, as if years of confusion and frustration had all just been lifted, but also replaced by a new notion, one I had no idea about until she finally spoke it, like honey oozing from her lips. "I told him I want to stay here, with you. I called off the wedding, Scarlet. I'm staying." 

I couldn't breathe. Had she really just said the one thing I had been waiting what felt like an eternity for? did she really just tell me she was here with me for good? Her eyes filled with instant worry and concern when I said nothing; how could I? This was all too good to be true, right? It took everything in me to fight the tears threatening my eyes for what felt like the hundredth time this week, but this time they were happy, content, blissful even as I placed my hands on either side of her rosy, soft, flustered face. I was lost in her eyes again, something that was so easy to do, but when I looked at her I was home.

"Finally." was all I could say as I crashed my bitten lips to hers and entangled my hands in her messy hair. She intoxicated me and fuck, right now, she was finally, finally, FINALLY, all mine. Not just me and her ghost.