The ghost of us

Disappearing Act

I sat at the pier for a while, coffee in hand, just watching the waves crash against the shore. I had so much on my mind and it was like I couldn't catch up with my own thoughts. She was hurting because of me, she cheated because of me, she was confused, lost, in a new place because of me. 

I couldn't help but wonder if Darwin knew where his soon to be wife was, but a part of me was sure he did. She told him everything- well, I guess not everything. Regardless though, it was all my fault. At this point I had no other choice. It was time for a disappearing act. If I disappeared, I couldn't hurt her anymore, I couldn't cause her anymore turmoil. 

At this moment she was probably still sitting in that same coffee shop that we shared our first kiss at, wondering what she did wrong to cause me to run. The reality was she never did a thing wrong, it was me. It was always me that fucked everything up. Octavia more than likely was beating herself up over all of this and again, guess whose fault it was. That's right, mine. Great, now I'm just finding new ways to repeat myself. 

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The sun was setting against the horizon, indicating how long I had really been on the pier, when I heard a car approach and a door slam. I kept my back to the stranger as the waves continued to kiss the shore before retreating back into the ocean again. I could hear someone breathing behind me, but I kept my eyes forward. 

I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone; and then I heard her voice. 

"Scarlet?" I ignored her, pretended like she wasn't there. She didn't like that too much. 

"Scarlet, I know you can hear me." I only shook my head before she decided to plop herself down next to me on the wooden platform. Now both of our feet dangled over the clear water as the sun set before us. 

"You know, we always talked about seeing the sunset together one day." She whispered to me softly, almost as if she were afraid that if she spoke to loudly, that it would all disappear.

I only nodded, my hair falling around my shoulders. Today had been such an unexpected day, something I would have never thought would happen. When I woke up this morning I expected to trudge through my day dismally, the same as everyday since she had told me the news. I never once expected that she would bump into me in front of my city apartment, that she would go for coffee with me, that she would cry to me and admit her feelings, or that she would kiss me. All of this seemed like such a bitter sweet dream and I could not wrap my head around it. It's all happened so fast. 

"Scarlet, I know you. I know what's going through your mind. We've talked about this day for as long as we've known each other, and once we have it, you run. Stop disappearing. Stop leaving." Her eyes were somber and dull as she pleaded with me, pain painted on her face. 

"Octavia, we left each other. You're getting married and this is all wrong. I keep ruining your life, don't you see that? All I do is fuck you up. Why are you even here, does Darwin know about any of this?" My voice began to break, but I kept my cool and refrained from crying again. I had cried enough due to my own self-pity. 

"Of course he knows I'm here. He knows why I came here too, we have no secrets. He knows everything, Scar. You don't have the authority to say whether or not you're ruining my life, though, that's for me to decide. I knew what I was looking for when I came here and I intend on getting it. You know I don't give up easily, I never have- So why in the fuck would I give up on you again, when I came across the country to be with you?" Her eyes were burning my skin, she refused to look away. She was stern and determined, all of the things I fell in love with so long ago. She was driven and beautiful, like a storm before it destroyed your home, and tonight, her home was my heart. I deserved to be destroyed by her though, I deserved every piece of pain and guilt that I was feeling at the moment with her. I just couldn't grasp what she was doing here, she was still wearing her ring. 

I didn't even know how to feel anymore, but I knew she was everything I ever fought for, everything I had ever wanted. She stared at me impatiently and waited for an answer from me, and I wanted to give her one. I just didn't know what to say at this point. This all felt so wrong, but so right. What was I supposed to say? I chose my words carefully. 

"Octavia, I love you. I love you so god damn much, but this isn't right. This isn't what you need, he is what you need now. Not me." I was so emotional. I didn't want to say those words, but I had to. I had to let her go for her own good. She just shook her head and laughed at me as I stared at the ring on her left hand, the hand that I should have put a ring on all those years ago. 

"Shut up, Scarlet. Just kiss me." Her hands cradled my face, her taking control as her face inched towards me. She was so beautiful... so wonderful, and I found myself falling right back to where I was 3 years ago.

I kissed her hard and I kissed her like she was mine. Even though we both knew she never stopped being mine.