The one where they're falling apart

The One Where It All Comes Out

TW: MENTION OF MISSCARRIAGE AND GRIEF

"Ross?"
"Yeah baby?"
"Where's Emma?"
Rachel had just woken up and walked into the sitting room only to discover that Emma wasn't there.
"Oh Monica came round and picked her up."
"Why?"
"Well because I asked her to. Here come into the kitchen and have some breakfast I've made you your favourite."
Ross grabs her hand and pulls her into the kitchen. He gently pushes her down into a chair and puts a plate of food in front of her.
"Here. Eat."
"Ross are you okay?"
"Of course I am why wouldn't I be."
"You seem very on edge."
"I'm perfectly fine. Now what's wrong with you?"
"Excuse me?"
He pulls a chair in front of Rachel and sits down resting his head in his hands.
"You haven't been yourself recently..... Well you haven't been yourself in a long time, but recently you seem out of it... Like you're not really present, the only time you actually pay attention to anything is when you're with Emma and I can't help but worry that it's happening again."
"Ross what are you saying?"
"Look okay. Before you disappeared you only ever cared about Emma."
"Ross that's not tru-"
"Hey I get it okay, you were going through something terrifying and you wanted to protect your daughter no matter what so you basically attached yourself to her and now you're doing the same thing again... So I just want to know, what's going on inside your head Rachel."
"Nothing! I'm fine. How many times do I have to tell you there is nothing wrong with me."
She stand up and starts pacing up and down the kitchen.
"Well there is obviously something wrong for gods sake look at you!"
Ross begins to raise his voice and Rachel does the same.
"I. Am. Fine."
"Why the hell won't you admit when you need help!"
"I don't need any help!"
"Yes you do for fuck sake just look at yourself. Look at what you have become Rachel. This isn't you!"
"Just shut up!"
Ross ducked as she picked up the closet thing to her which just happened to be a glass and threw it at him.
"Oh my god. I-I'm sorry I-I didn't mean to. I just. I...I'm sorry"
Ross watched as Rachel bursts into tears and slowly slid down the wall. He stood up and made his way across the room so he was stood in front of her.
"Rachel. Look at me."
She shook her head in response so he placed his hand under her chin and lifted it up till her eye's met his.
"Are you ready to tell me what's wrong?"
"I killed it."
"Killed what"
"I killed our baby."
Rachel tears begun to flow faster as Ross sat beside her and pulled her into his embrace.
"No you didn't babe."
"Yes I did. It was my job to protect it and I failed."
"Hey listen to me okay. Did you want it to happen."
"What?"
"Did you want our baby to die?"
"No of course not!"
"Did you physically try to kill our baby?"
"No Ross wha-"
"So you didn't kill them Rach. I know how hard this must be for you, and I know that I will never fully understand the pain that you are experiencing but it's perfectly okay to admit that you're not okay."
"How much more trauma will I have to go through before I fall? I can't keep doing this Ross. You know the other day, Emma asked for a baby brother or sister and all I could think of was that I could have given her that. I could have made her happy but I-I failed."
"No you didn't. You did not fail."
"Yes I did."
Ross moves so that he is sat in front of her and wiped the tears that are falling from her eyes.
"You know Rach after you delivered our baby I talked to a nurse and do you know what she said to me? She said that there is a unique pain that comes from preparing for a child that never comes, but there will come a day when you will wake up an realise that the pain you are causing yourself isn't worth it because not matter what, you cannot change the past. I will never understand what you went through that day, the pain you experienced but I do know that no matter what happens, no matter how many times you try to push me away and hide your emotions I will always be here for you because I love you Rachel. I love you so much more than you will ever know."
"I love you too."
"There's a quote by Helen Keller that I want you to remember okay."
"Okay."
"The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart."
Ross wiped the last few tears of her face and stood up. He grabbed a brush and begun to sweep up the broken glass on the floor.
"Ross."
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
For the first time in months Ross truly felt that he had gotten through to Rachel, now all he could to was hope that she had taken his words on board and realised that she was not to blame for this tragedy.

1 hour later both Ross and Rachel are sat in sitting room cuddled under a blanket watching a movie.
"So I was thinking."
"Yeah?"
"Maybe we should get away for a while."
"What?"
"Maybe a holiday for a few days. I'm not saying it has to be right away but I think it would do us some good to get away for a while. Just us and Emma. We could go to Paris. I know how excited you were to see the city when you got that job offer. We could go and spend some time there. Maybe see some fashion shows."
"You would do that for me."
"Rach I would do anything for you."
"Okay it sounds like a good plan. I would love to go to Paris as a family."
"Paris it is."