"Missing you comes in waves. Tonight, I'm drowning." -anonymous
I can't even cry, anymore. Till yesterday, there was pain in my heart. But now, there's nothing. Only void. Not feeling anything at all is the worst feeling ever. I don't even know if my words make a lick of sense, anymore. They probably don't.
The pain I feel now is nothing compared to the pain I write about and publish. Had I know before this is what pain actually feels like, I would've done a better job in portraying the pain my my characters felt. But, people still read my books. My readers should be the ones who don't know what real pain is like.
Real pain is indescribable. There's no fighting back because the pain always wins. It doesn't leave you until you completely surrender to it and fall at its feet, begging for mercy. The pain just goes away because of your pleas. It doesn't just leave you, but also takes away every sensation from you. You lay there forever, waiting to feel something. But, you feel nothing. You're empty. You just want to feel anything, even pain. You're ready to welcome pain to fill your void body, but it doesn't return.
This is my condition, now. I lay on our bed in our bedroom, waiting for my Max to come in, kiss away my pain and tell me that it is all a nightmare. But, I know that it wouldn't happen. My Max is gone forever, he's buried in the soil and his body is beginning to rot. The thought of bacteria eating away at his body that used to touch me with love, makes me throw up on the bed, all over the sheets.
I get up with frustration, and yank away the sheets from the bed. I stuff it inside a polytene bag, tie it up and throw it towards the trash. I gargle my mouth with his favorite mouthwash, trying to get rid of the bile in my mouth. Even the odor of the mouthwash reminds me of him, his kisses.
I look at the bathroom mirror, unable to recognize the ghost staring back at me. She is completely pale, even her lips are slowly turning paper white. I can't recognize myself. All my beauty vanished as soon as he did, from my life. He took everything with him. No, wrong. He didn't take anything away. He was my everything, my beauty, soul, pain, love. He left, and everything is gone.
I can't move on, I can't forget the man who was in my life for seventeen years. But, I need to fulfill his last wish that he wrote to me in the last letter. His wish for me to be happy. How could he wish for it when he knew that he was my happiness? How could my man be so cruel to me?
Wasn't I good enough for him? Was my love not enough for him to cope up with his sister's death? I didn't take good care of him after Dana passed away. I should've done a better job. He broke into fragments after hearing the news of her death. It was totally unexpected for all of us. She was in a road accident when she was driving back home eagerly to see her husband, and daughter.
After she died, Max hardly spoke to anyone, even me. When he did, it was either about Dana, or just short answers to my questions. In a month, he started drinking away his sorrow. I thought he would stop, but he didn't.
His reputation in the film industry crumbled down, and the paparazzi who followed him to award shows and shooting spots began following him to bars and recorded his state of drunkenness. No one knew about his sister, so rumours spread that he was getting drunk because I cheated on him. So, when one of the paparazzi asked him about my 'cheating', he beat him up out of anger.
Once a star messes with the paparazzi, his life in the industry is expired. Especially when he wasn't acting any films at that moment. That is what the film industry does. When they like you, they keep you at the heights. But, when they don't, they push you from the heights and not even bother wait and watch as you crumble.
I clutch my head as pain surges up my body, and crumble down to the bathroom floor, not having anymore energe to even stand still. I hear someone opening my front door, but I'm unable to go and check who it is. Footsteps sound through my living room, and nears me. I can only see a pair of black shoes, that I vaguely remember my brother wearing. He kneels to the floor, and talks to me. But, all I can hear is Max's voice telling me that he loves me. The last thing I see is my brother's panicked face, before I black out.
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A/N: I hope this was a good chapter. The chapter is kinda depressing, but it gets better and longer as the story progresses. Please leave your feedbacks in the comments section, and don't forget to vote if you liked reading the chapter.
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See you all soon with the next update. :)
