'Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love.'
I settle down in my office room with the box of letters, ready to read the second letter. Last night was terrible because of the nightmare, from which I still haven't recovered. It felt so real, and the image is now burned in the back of my mind. I rely on the letters he wrote to me for sanity. I eagerly open the letter numbered two.
'Hey, angel. Today was the best day in my entire life. I felt special, you chose to hang out with me on your thirteenth birthday.
I hadn't been as much happy after the death of my parents. I've known you only for two years, but you have become the most important person in my life after Dana. If everyone had a friend like you, the world would be a happy place. Your optimistic attitude makes me rise from the depths. Everytime I lose hope, your'e there to motivate me. I couldn't ask for a better friend. I hope I am as good of a friend to you.
With lots of love and hugs,
Your best friend Max.'
I complete reading the letter with a smile. I remember spending my thirteenth birthday, with him. It was nothing big, but I had the day of my life and so did he. We went to the beach, and played all day. Those were the days our friendship became thicker. Despite our differences, we could get along very well and debate about things for hours. Nothing changed, though. I still saw him as my best friend.
I then begin to read the letter he stapled to it.
'Hey, love.
It's obvious that I wrote the letter on your thirteenth birthday. I was so happy that you spent your day with me. You were very special to me, even then. Like a treasure that I want to keep with myself for my entire life. You see, love. I'm a selfish man, especially when it comes to you. Maybe, I was in love with you since thirteen, and didn't realize it. Maybe I was in love with you even when you punched me. Just so romantic, isn't it?
As I'm writing to you, you're laid next to me, wearing nothing but my tee shirt as a proof to our lovemaking. Your luscious tresses are sprawled out on the pillow. Your lips are in a beautiful shade of red, and swollen because of me. I stare at you, taking in your beauty, like a damn creep. I wonder if you would've fallen in love with me if we weren't friends. You probably would have, Elizabeth. You would have found me and we would have fallen in love, anyways.
I can't underestimate your love for me. I have no idea how I managed to get so lucky to have you. You're so beautiful and completely mine. I sound like those possessive, control-freak men who claim their girlfriends as though they are objects. I'm sorry for that. I really do love and respect you as a person, unlike possessive pigs. My feelings for you are so pure, raw, and primal.
Tomorrow, I'm going to propose marriage to you. I'm scared sh*tless like any person who is going to propose to the one he loves. We have never discussed marriage before, but I vaguely remember you saying you didn't want to get married, when we were little. Your feelings may have changed now that you love me so much, but I'm still scared. I hope you say yes.
Love,
Your boyfriend who wishes to be your fiancé, soon.'
I didn't know he was scared before proposing to me. I knew he was a little nervous, but didn't think he was scared. Nobody has ever seen the scared Max, like I have. He had his demons that haunted him to no end. Dana worked late at night, and he used to wake up on several nights, crying for his parents. That was when I started sleeping with him, next to him, I mean. I used to hug him and tell him everything will be okay. Surprisingly, my parents had no problem with it, even after we hit puberty.
My flashback is interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. I walk towards the front door and open it to find my parents, and my as$hole of a brother. I move aside, making way for them into the house. The sadness in their eyes brings me back to the bitter reality from the joyful memories Max's letter gave me. I am reminded by their look of concern, that my husband is no more.
"Oh dear!" Dad coos before pulling me into a hug. Like a little girl afraid of thunders, I hide my face in my father's chest for reassurance that everything will be okay. What hurts is that I know that it wouldn't be okay. I wish I was that naïve girl who believed in everything her parents said. If I was, I could be easily comforted.
"Daddy." The little girl in me cries softly, wishing that he would relieve me from all this pain. The last time I called him daddy as an adult was when Max left for acting school, and didn't contact me because we were fighting. We were starting to get attracted to each other, and finally kissed one day. But, we regretted it because of the effect it had on our friendship. We stopped contacting each other, and tortured ourselves. That was the time I first came to know that pain existed.
"I need him." I plead with all the energy I have in me, like my dad has the ability to bring back Max. I don't recognize my own voice because I don't speak, anymore. The last time I spoke was when I kicked my brother out of this place
"I know, dear." He says as he gently keeps patting my back, like he used to, all those years ago to put me to sleep.
"He was not a bad person, daddy." I defend my husband, even though he hasn't spoken one bad word against him. I don't want them to think of Max like Nat does. I want my parents to understand that he loved me unconditionally, despite everything. He wasn't my demon, but my guardian angel.
"He was a good man, dear. We all know that. Did you get any sleep, last night?" He asks, looking into my tired eyes. I want to lie to him that I slept well, but I don't even have the energy for it. I simply shake my head, trying to say no. The worry in his mind shows in his face, and I immediately change my answer.
"Very little. I had a nightmare, and it felt so real. I still can't get the image off my mind." I can still see his dead, brown eyes staring at me. They send chills all over my body. Dad stiffens, probably seeing how scared I look.
"I'm scared I'll remain like this forever. I'm scared because I know I'd rather die grieving his death than get over him." I can't figure out my own feelings. I don't have the energy or patience to figure out what I really want, because he fills my every thought, and every move. The only thing I clearly know is that I need him here, at least for one last minute. I want to feel his touch for one last moment. And it pains because I know that none of it would happen.
"Don't say that, dear. It is not easy, I understand. But, Max wouldn't want you to think such things. He wants you to be happy." His words suddenly bring a rise in me. Happy?
"He wouldn't have killed himself if he really wanted me to be happy. He would've live, and we cross all the hurdles in life. Everyone faces problems, dad. If all people thought like him, there would be no humans alive." My dad agrees by giving me a slight nod. The whole house is in silence, but not in peace. I'm losing myself, thinking of Max, and my parents are losing themselves, worried about me.
A/N:
Hey guys! I'll be free for a few days because my exams just got over. This story is now in #472. YAY! Thanks to you guys for the constant reads and votes. Lets try maintaining the positing, and bring to forward. This chapter is my favorite, so far. Please leave your feedbacks, and votes.
Love you all! Have a great day.
-Awkward Penguin.
