"Its so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember."
Things have started be become more difficult, these days. I woke up this morning, and made two cups of coffee. One for myself, and the other for Max. I broke into tears for the first time in the day, after I realized my mental condition. How could I forget? In my subconscious, he is still alive and I even made coffee for him in my sleepy state. I got angry at my pathetic state, and smashed the coffee mug against the kitchen counter. The mug broke, and hot coffee burnt my hand. The physical injury was nothing compared to my mental turbulence. I sat in the kitchen, crying to myself for a few minutes before I decided to distract myself by cleaning the mess I created. Everyday, something like this makes me cry and I can't stop it from happening.
I sit in the dining room, using superglue to put back the pieces of the mug I broke. It stands on the table, glued together with the cracks visible. It was such a beautiful mug, but it is now nothing but pieces of ceramic put together. There are too many cracks, distorting the picture on the mug of two stick figures kissing each other. It shows my broken love life, as well as my entire life. It is no more perfect or valuable. Nobody would want the mug, anymore. Not even me. It is nothing but a waste of space, of no use to anyone, even to itself. How much ever I tried putting it back, I couldn't restore it back to its original condition.
I store the mug away from sight, as it is now useless. Just like I'm keeping myself from the world, because I'm not functional without him, his smile, love, and encouragement that makes me want to achieve more and more.
I then begin reading another letter. This is the only thing I look forward to, everyday.
I don't know what to feel, Elizabeth. I shouldn't be feeling happy about this, but I actually am. You and Jake fought in the playground, today. Unluckily, I wasn't there to witness it. I was in the Chemistry lab and you had Physical Education with Jake. I got news from Lance that there was a good fight going on in the playground. I was completely uninterested, unlike the others. I wanted to get my experiments done because chemistry is the only subject I'm expecting a B+ in. All other subjects are hopeless, despite you tutoring me.
Lance somehow sneaked out of the class to watch the fight. In just a few minutes, he sneaked back in and told me that it was none other than my best friend and her boyfriend that were fighting. I didn't believe at first, but I got worried after he told me it was a physical fight. I didn't want you to get hurt. I literally ran out of the lab to get there. My jaws dropped when I saw the two of you punching, and kicking each other.
Every asshole was standing around and watching as though an action film was being played. Only popcorn was missing. Otherwise, they treated the scene in front of their eyes like it was a movie or some crap. It took me great effort to stop you from attacking, and pulling you off the jerk. As I ripped you off him, you still resisted and kept throwing punches. I had to carry you out of the school before you did something worse, and the matters reached the principal's pointy ears.
There was blood tricking down your mouth, and I couldn't bear to look at it. Then, you began explaining why Jake and you were fighting enough to be able to kill each other.
You went on non-stop about him, Elizabeth. But, I kinda liked the way you spoke about him, this time. You said something like this,"He began complaining about you a lot, and I got angry. I kept my anger at bay, though. Seeing that his words didn't affect me, he accused me of sleeping with you. You know, not the sleeping sleeping, but having sex. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I threw the first punch. How could he accuse me of cheating on him, especially with you? He started going on an on about how it seemed like because we lay next to each other in bed, every night.
He demanded me stop talking to you. I mean, why are all guys like this? How can they think they have some fucking ownership over every girl in their lives? How could he think that he can control who my friends are and who I lie down with at night? He even asked me to prove that I was innocent. I am not desperate enough to have to prove myself to that ass for being in a relationship with him. I don't even like him anymore, anyways."
Music. That's what your voice sounded like when you told me how much you hated him. I've never been to heaven, but I'm pretty sure this is what it felt like. I've been waiting for you to realize what an asshole he is for almost ten months. I'm astonished how it took you so much time to discover him asshole tendencies. I kept smiling until I saw the sad expression on your face.
Something sparked, and our eyes locked on each other. I stopped the car then and there, deciding to enjoy the moment. I just wanted to remain in that moment for I knew that I would have this feeling, later. Soon, you snapped back to reality and looked away like I burnt you with my eyes. I can't describe the hurt with words.
"Why are you upset! You should be happy you got rid of him." I asked. I was almost angry, that time. Not at you, but at myself for thinking that you would confess your love for me or some shit, just because you broke up with Jake. Naïve, stupid Max.
"I just.. I didn't like that he misinterpreted our friendship to be something sexual. Our friendship is purer than anything else in this world, Max. I don't want anything to come in the way of our friendship." You say, looking into my eyes. This time, it wasn't the look you gave me previously. You were pleading me with your eyes, for what I don't know.
"Promise me that you won't let anything come in between us." You asked. I promised you that I wouldn't let anything destroy our friendship. I promised in the back of my head that I wouldn't let my love for you in the way, too. I should stop what I was feeling.
You then hugged me tighter than ever before, and I hugged you back. You spoke into my chest, "Your friendship is the most valuable thing to me, Max. I can't lose you under any circumstances. You're the most important person to me. We should be friends, forever."
"Yes, Elizabeth. Friends, forever." My voice was weak, in comparison to the sound of my shattering heart. I already knew that I couldn't have you as anything more than a friend, but hearing it from you just worsened my heartache. I have no idea how I will be able to suppress my thoughts, and my heart from loving you. But, I have to do it for the sake of our friendship. Having you as a friend is miraculous enough. I doubt I deserve you in any way in my life, let alone as my girlfriend. I should be satisfied with your mere presence in my life.
I'll try my best to keep my promise. If I break my promise, I'll leave your life. That would be the best. You don't need a boy who breaks promises, in your life.
-Max.
I remember the day he wrote about. It was the same day I realized my love for him, in the car. When our eyes met, I knew that I was in love. I wanted to stop feeling romantically towards him, and hence made him promise me that he wouldn't let anything break our bond. By that, I meant that he should stop me if I show any romantic advances. I reminded him about our closeness and how we can't live without each other, so that he doesn't drift away from me if I accidentally showed him any signs of my love for him.
The piece of paper attached to the letter is a small one, and the content is less, too.
'Baby,
I'm so glad that I broke the promise, one day. If I didn't, I can imagine who we would be in our lives now. That letter was a deep one, too deep for a fifteen year old. I still can't believe that I wrote it. But, the feelings are true, baby. I don't have much to say about this letter, because I have written all my feelings in it completely. Its 2:00 am, and I have to finish writing the letter at least by three. I don't want you reject my proposal when we wake up, because I look like a zombie.
-Your ever loving Max.
A smile appears in my lips after long. Love is so weird. But, its the best thing in the entire world. Everyone wants to be loved. Even the worst people of the world have fallen in love, and have people who love them. Everyone deserves love, no matter how terrible they can be. Love has the power of humans that no other emotion could ever have. It makes one want to be better for their significant other. Even though I experienced it only for 12 years, I'm happy that I got the opportunity to be loved by someone as compassionate as my Max.
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