A Secret Between Us.

17.Misunderstanding

I was staring at her from the other side of the mattress, she was still lying down unlike me who was sitting with my back tightly against the headboard, I could see her red hair cascading to the floor, I watched her hands move gracefully over her forehead, then as soon as she noticed, crossing my gaze, she gently pushed me with her foot "hey . ." I whispered before grabbing it and starting to massage it with my right hand, placing my left hand on my chest "I could get used to this" she said after squinting, she was slowly letting her guard down and that made things much more difficult by thinking rationally.
"no...you don't want to, I'm saying this for you, really..." I answered shyly without stopping to observe her, I wanted to study all her gestures, her expressions, all those ways she had of expressing her moods and I was sure that in that very moment she was realizing the bubble she and I were in and feeling the pressure of the real world out there waiting for our return.
She stood up abruptly to sit back down, her mussed hair and my shirt on weren't helping me stay clear and steady in my thought position.
"I know it's all madness, but I'm not going to take a step back. I'm going to be here for quite a while, I've already booked my hotel room for the whole month." As I assimilated his declarations I couldn't stop myself from expressing all the astonishment that was overwhelming me in those moments, "What? You don't feel the same way anymore?" Julianne said defensively, neither of us wanted to suffer again and that was obvious.
I approached her, grabbing her by the arms and bringing her in front of me, face to face "well...if we spend a month like this...that's fine with me..." I smiled mischievously at her, I was trying so hard not to have to express my emotions for once.
"Stop fooling around..." she shrugged and got up from the bed "Besides, you wouldn't last a month like this Mr Firth..." she gave me a teasing look before walking towards the bathroom, during the short walk she slipped my large shirt off her back.
I counted to five in my head, then inhaled sharply, self-control no longer working, I jumped up and joined her in the shower, I grabbed her hard "Colin!!!" she screamed as she felt my powerful arms blocking her almost completely from behind "who can't do it eh..." I whispered in her ear just before I guided her upper body down and started to penetrate her hard "eh? "Colin!" hearing her scream made me even more excited, so with a decisive gesture, after taking a step back, I turned her towards me and then took her in my arms "hey..." she whispered smiling and resting her forehead against mine.
I resumed the rhythm with my pelvis, this time I felt her legs tighten around my torso "look at me" I said as I squeezed her between me and the wall, with each blow I saw her open her mouth, instinctively I moved my mouth closer and placed it right in front of hers "say my name" I whispered as I felt I was about to come "say my name!" I yelled and this time I could hear her voice "Colin! Colin! Co...Co..." she swallowed before finishing my name "Colin..." her small hands were both on my face, mouths still open, but never separated, one in front of the other.
I held her close to me, never wanting to let go.
She was mine.

At that moment, I felt the need to have her on me at all times.
"I'll...I'll...I'll go make us something to eat..." Julianne whispered, I was stunned, she wanted to tell me something else...she was going to love me back.
Slowly she untied herself from that embrace and got out of the shower, I stood with my back to her, leaning on the wall with both forearms, letting the warm water run down my back while I thought.
But a little later I heard Julianne shouting from the other room "Juls?" I called out to her trying to figure out what was going on and only when I didn't get an answer did I decide to quickly get out of the shower and grab the first towel and place it around her waist "hey? "I whispered as I saw her with her back to me, staring at her mobile phone "what's going on?" she started shaking her head quickly so I decided to lean over and see for myself, it was a message from Bart, more precisely he had written to her that he was coming to visit her this week to clear up this situation "it's ok...it's better isn't it? "I whispered, trying to get a feel for her territory, I wanted to understand what she wanted at that moment, but she kept shaking her head "no..." she moved away from me, heading towards her clothes that were scattered around the bed "what no?" I kept following her with my gaze while remaining motionless on the opposite side of the room "I want this...I need what we are now...I don't want to change anything..." she whispered while continuing to dress.
I nodded, I had gotten used to the idea that I was just an amusement for her, a pastime "Exactly. That's what we both want, but if you don't find a solution it'll be hard to even fuck." I ended the sentence irritated, I wasn't going to make the same mistakes again, I went back to the bathroom where I finished drying myself.
After a while I heard the door close, she was gone, and it was better that way.
After all, I had tried to follow my heart, but she wasn't ready, she didn't want to lean out and I certainly wouldn't have forced her to stay with me.

"Dude...good morning...I hope at least for you it was for real..." Stan had sent me a message which I read and immediately decided to call him: "hey..are you ok?" "mhh..head is spinning..spinning..hard..but yeah, I don't expect to have to go back to Rupert since I was counting on my best friend being there.."
"you're right..I should have waited for you..I'm going out, I think I'm going to pick up the kids in the afternoon after the piano lesson, do you want to meet up?" "ok, I'll see if I can recover..see you later buddy"

I decided to spend the afternoon with my children to get away from the world around me, which was getting heavier and heavier.
"Dad..." Luca whispered "have you heard from mum? Lately she's been crying a lot...I don't know what to do.."
I shook my head in reply "I can...I can try to see what's going on if you want..." he nodded, I knew she was going through a difficult time, I would have never wanted to see her again, but I couldn't say no to those two eyes that looked at me with hope and melancholy at the same time.

So we decided to go home around dinner time and I was almost forced to go inside to check on Livia's situation.
"Mom, we're home!"
I took a small step towards the entrance, I was afraid of finding that man.
Actually, seeing them together had made me feel mixed emotions, mostly negative, surely due to a form of habit.
"Excuse me.." I whispered and she managed to hear me "no!" I heard her scream "please no!" I remained motionless, I didn't even take a step, then I saw her coming out of the bathroom, she was in tears, I was staring at her trying to understand how I could help her "please..not now.." she kept whispering.
"What..what's going on?" I took my hands out of the pockets of my jacket, still standing on the doorframe, she started to cry again, between the sobs I heard "I lost him" I instinctively connected things and approached her "what..how did it happen..". "I grabbed her face and tried to dry it as best I could "because I'm not a good mother" she stammered without ever stopping crying "it's not true..it's not true..." I held her in my arms and we stayed like that for a while under the watchful eye of our son.

After a few hours I managed to calm her down, get her to talk and make her understand that it was not her fault.
"Will you stay for dinner with us?" she whispered while handling the handkerchief wet with her tears, I sighed, taking my time, I wouldn't have wanted to stay, but maybe it was the right thing to do, "yes...alright.."
"ok..then I'll go make something.." I nodded in response and then stood alone in the room, my phone vibrating for the first time after a day of complete silence: Julianne: "see you tonight?"

I wouldn't have expected a message from her, not after her words, but I decided to answer her and tell her the truth "..I can't.."

After a while came her answer, even more unexpected "come on..I was wrong..I was stupid, but I get it.."

But I wanted to see how far we would go: "I'm at Livia's tonight.."

And as expected, mine was the last message of the evening.
I had deliberately pushed the situation to the limit because I wanted to see if treating her the same way she treated me would bring us to a crossroads, where we could probably decide together, but what I saw was only a conclusion.
The next morning I woke up on the couch in my old house, it almost felt like deja vu and yet it had happened again, the alcohol had knocked me out and I hadn't made it home, at least according to Livia who woke me up that morning.
"Thank you so much...actually sorry if I...yeah...bothered you tonight" I whispered before walking through the front door and heading for my car "thanks Colin..." I heard Livia say sincerely, she probably needed support and was finding herself alone.

Obviously I had no answers, only questions, courage did not work in my favour and consequently I did not ask her about Mark.

When I got home I noticed that there was a woman waiting for me at the front door.