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Six years ago
It's my tenth birthday. Double digits.
But all I can see is my deadname. It's plastered on the gifts, and it's slipping casually out of peoples' mouths.
It isn't me. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
I'm not like other trans people. Not like the people who knew as toddlers and told their parents "I'm a boy, I'm a boy, I'm a boy!"
Maybe my dad would believe me more if I'd told him from a younger age.
I'm scared he won't believe me now.
But I don't know how to fix it.
I know I have to do it soon though or I might go off the deep end. And I'm too young for that.
"Hi honey!" Dad says, sitting besides me.
I'm in the corner, watching my party. Well, not mine exactly, but hers.
"Do you like your party?"
I nod, strained. But really? I don't. Nor am I enjoying the one for this girl I don't know.
But he's too preoccupied to notice.
He's watching kids run around with juice boxes. He's watching other parents gathered in a cluster, whispering.
He's probably thinking about how mom left, and he's thinking about life as a single dad.
He's focused on everything but his son.
And suddenly the dress I'm wearing feels even worse. Even more restrictive.
I can't breathe, it feels like my lungs are collapsing.
But the party moves on around me, and my deadname stares at me with a million glowing red demon eyes.
Someone calls my deadname and I snap.
It's the final straw that, when tossed on the other straws, brought the whole pile crashing down on top of me.
I run to my room, slamming the door and pulling the dress off of me in anguish.
I want to scream.
Want to scream until my throat is raw.
Minutes pass before I hear a knock at my door. Tears stream down my face and I can't pull myself to my feet to open it.
My dad says my deadname before saying "I told the guests to go home. Are you okay?"
I'm a kid who learned to pretend I was okay when I was young. And on any other day, I would have said yes.
But today isn't any other day.
And I don't think he would believe it anyways. How could he when I just had a full on meltdown at my supposed-to-be-fun party?
