It's pretty great because we are up at one in the morning, shoving popcorn in our faces as The Office plays on the tv.
Occasionally one of us will laugh, wrapped up in our own little corner of the world.
"What if this was real?" He says suddenly.
My brain trips over itself to try and form an answer, but when nothing comes out I just splutter "what?"
"Like, what if our lives were being filmed? What it our lives were being dictated by some third party? Can we even make our own decisions then, if we aren't even in control of the bodies we happen to inhabit?"
He kind of sounds like he's high. Like he's not in control of his thoughts right now.
He's never asked a question like this before.
"Are you high?" I have to ask. I'm almost certain that he isn't, but you never know.
"No!" He replies. He seems pretty shocked that I would make that accusation, which was to be expected. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who would ever do drugs.
"It's possible, I guess." I respond to his original question.
And that's the end of that because the world on the television set pulls us back in.
After a few minutes though, I realize he's staring at me. I feel that creeping sensation of eyes on me.
And when I turn to look at him too, I notice he's smiling. A bright smile. If it had colors, it would be yellows and greens and blues. I like his smile, and I realize I'm smiling too.
••••
I wake up at eleven-thirty, the popcorn bowl on the ground. A few of the leftover pieces have spilled out across the floor.
I notice that there is a blanket draped over me, but Basil is nowhere in sight.
Sounds waft up the stairs, along with a delightful smell. Something that hasn't tainted our air in years— cinnamon buns.
Running down the stairs, I nearly run into a doorframe as I come around the corner.
Sitting there, in the kitchen, is mom and Basil, chatting. It feels kind of awkward because the only thing I can see Basil being my boyfriend and he's trying to get in good with my family.
"Good morning!" I insert into the conversation.
My fingers are twisting, face flushing a light shade of red.
"Oh, good morning kiddo!" Mom says. "Basil and I were just talking about school."
Basil meets my eyes for a quick second but looks away just as quick. He no doubt feels the awkwardness that is blanketing the air too.
Who couldn't?
"I— I should go get dressed." Basil says.
He stands up from his chair at the island, pushing past me in the doorframe. But, after glancing quickly at mom, I go after him.
He's already halfway up the stairs when I intercept him, grabbing his wrist.
It's a questionable decision because either of us could go tumbling down to our deaths, but luckily I don't scare him too bad. He turns to face me, our eyes connecting.
I can feel his pulse in his wrist.
"I'm sorry. It's just... I've never had a mother put that much interest in me."
"I know. I'm sorry that I made it so awkward. I didn't expect you to be so close with her so soon, that's all. The only thing I could see was you as my boyfriend trying to be close with my family. It rubbed me the wrong way." I open up.
There is a cocktail of emotions mixing inside me, ones I can't name nor have are they emotions I ever felt before.
"Shit." He shakes his head. "I'm sorry."
His voice is so guilt soaked that the only thing I want to do is give him a hug.
"But would that really be a bad thing?" He continues.
For a moment I'm not sure what he means. But then I am. It sinks in for a moment, and then in an uncertain tone, I say "but we're aroace?"
"Not quite like a relationship but—"
My hand falls limply from his wrist as I search his eyes like I can see into his soul.
"Sorry. That was a stupid idea. Now I've gone and fucked everything up between us." He continues the walk up the rest of the stairs and closes the guest bedroom door behind him.
I should have called after him.
Should have said I want that too.
Instead, I stand shell-shocked on the stairs, mouth hanging open like a fish.
