I figure that Ollie won't want to see me for a while after what I put on the table, so I pack up my duffel bag and say goodbye to his parents when he is in the shower.
Maybe I should tell him too but I don't. I can't.
I assure them I have a place to go.
And I do, I'm just not sure that I can stay there. However, I'll never know if I don't try.
And then I walk to the bus stop, hopping on a Greyhound bus heading in the direction of Connecticut.
Emotions that I haven't felt in over a year set back in, my heart squeezing like a grape.
And I am tempted to start crying.
••••
"He's not home right now. Would you like to come in?" Casper's mom says.
As far as his family knows, we grew apart slightly. They think we did the kind of thing where we could just grow back together whenever we wanted.
That is so far from the truth.
But I nod, stepping inside after she steps back.
Soon enough I gave a steaming cup of coffee in my hand, his sister and mother next to me on the couch.
It doesn't feel right. But I can't turn back.
After minutes that feel like hours, we hear keys unlocking the door. My heart twists.
I had been thinking about this moment for the entirety of a three hour bus ride but now that it has actually arrived, I wish the ground would pull me into his depths. Satan can have me.
That's the same way I felt those years ago.
He steps into the living room, and when he sees me, his eyes darken considerably.
"Hi honey!" His mom stands. "Look who dropped by!" She gestures to me, smiling. And I can tell he's only smiling back for her.
If it was just us two, he'd punch me.
Or at least I think he would. He has no reason not to.
"Hi Basil." He says through gritted teeth.
His sister, Aurora, glances back and forth between us. I'm sure she can see that something is going on but she can't name it.
I can't name it either.
"Hey, Casper." I reply awkwardly, standing up.
He's taller. Taller than me, at least. And considering it has been two years, that revelation doesn't shock me in the least.
"Do you want to go upstairs?" He asks.
Upstairs to an uncertain fate. Upstairs to talk about how I fucked up and how I shouldn't be here. Upstairs.
"Okay." I say. That's probably a bad idea.
Still I follow him through the house that I know better than my own, to the staircase, and we go up. Pictures still hang on the walls, with a few new additions, and a small dog runs around our feet once we reach the landing.
"That's new." I say quietly.
"His name is Cilantro." Casper replies in the same hushed tone, bending down to pet the dog and refusing to look at me.
Cilantro and basil. I remember a snippet of a conversation. Cilantro and basil are my favorite. They smell nice when you grow them and pick them fresh.
I shove that to the back of my mind as we continue down the hall, stopping in front of a door with a do not disturb sign.
"My room," he says as if I'm not aware.
He pushes back the door and I'm hit with a wave of nostalgia, lump rising to my throat.
"Make yourself... at home." He says it like it pained him to say. It pained me, because for the longest time this was my home.
But I flop down on the beanbag, sighing.
His room hasn't changed much. Aside from a small pride flag he has taped to his wall, all the posters and figurines and assorted skateboard parts are just as I remember them.
"What the fuck are you doing here, anyway?" He asks while placing himself criss cross applesauce on his bed.
"I was staying with another friend for break. But then something happened and I thought I should leave them alone for a bit. I didn't know where else to go." It comes out jumbled.
"So you came here?"
I can tell by his voice that he's uncomfortable.
"Yeah... I'm sorry. It was as mistake. I just— I don't know anyone else."
That's a lie. I just didn't want to go to anyone else. I wanted to see him again, just to know that I could.
He sighs and finally meets my eyes, his just as vividly blue as I remember. "You can't go see your dad or something? Instead you had to come here and remind me that I'm still in love with my best friend?" He pauses. "Fuck."
I would hardly classify us as best friends. But that's not the part that hits me most.
It's the I'm still in love with. He's still in love with me? After all this time, after everything I did, even after knowing it would always be unrequited?
I take a shaky deep inhale. "I should go."
I don't know how to handle a situation like this, so I pull a classic Basil. I leave.
A little part of me wishes he would stop me, tell me we could be friends again. But the bigger part of me knows that this is for the best.
Light tears are in my eyes.
"Goodbye Casper." I tromp back down the stairs, bid goodbye to his family, and let the front door close behind me.
I let a chapter of my life end behind me.
The chapter in front of me is unfolding and I need to be fully present for that.
Shit with Ollie is about to get real. I think.
