Two years ago
We're sitting in his bedroom, an almost empty pizza box sitting besides us and a Scrabble board between us.
Half finished words litter the board. That's how it always goes when we play.
It's five-thirty p.m. and the house in empty, his parents still at work and sister out somewhere, the two of us soaking up all the silence.
"Do you want to go outside?" He asks.
I'm growing bored cooped up in here so I say yes, allowing him to help me to my feet.
We've been friends for nine years so hanging out on Friday nights has been a tradition for as long as I can remember. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have Fridays like this.
Although I've never liked Scrabble much.
When he pushes open the door it's warm outside, much like a summer night.
I suppose summer is fast approaching, and for a second or two we just stand there, shuffling our feet on the warm sidewalk.
"Do you want to work on skateboarding again?" He asks eagerly. He reminds me of a kid in a candy shop: permanent gleam in his eye, permanent sugar high. If he could be bouncing off walls right now, he would be.
"Yes!" I exclaim. I might be a tad like a kid in a candy shop myself.
I watch as he retrieves the board from the garage, returning and placing it just in front of my feet. "We're just going to work on rolling, okay? No tricks this time. I promise."
Last time we tried tricks, I ended up getting three stitches on my leg.
I place my left foot on the board, rolling forward slightly. Then I push off the sidewalk with my left foot, accelerating. I take it too fast though, hitting a crack and flinging forward.
By some luck, he's in front of me in seconds.
The skateboard rolls further down the sidewalk but his arms are wrapped around his back and mine gently around my neck, our faces mere inches from each other.
His breath hitches. I can hear it.
We stare into each other's eyes because there is nothing else to do when we're this close, and for some reason he hasn't let me go yet.
"Can I kiss you?" He asks suddenly, barely above a whisper.
"I don't know, um..." I pause.
Lots of thoughts go through my head. My heart beat speeds up because I've never been in a situation like this one before and I never thought I would be. But here we are.
Part of me wants the ground to open up at eat me alive. Part of me wants to float up to the sky, never to be seen again.
I've never liked anyone. But here in this moment, I'm confused.
And I guess I want to know what it feels like, so I say "yes."
For a minute we don't do anything, just stand there like we're questioning the next move. Like the world is changing and we want to savor it for a moment before that happens.
And then slowly we move closer and our lips connect. Nothing happens though, I don't feel a thing.
It's slow and after about a minute, we pull apart. We return to being separate.
The air is still, silent. My head is loud though.
I can hear a million voices screaming all at once. I must have really fucked things up this time.
"I— I should go home." I say, picking up my backpack and running down the street before he can say anything else.
Before I can say something out loud that would ruin the best friendship I've ever had.
I proceed to not talk to him for a week, ignoring every text and ignoring him in the hallways. Sure, I felt like shit about it. But I had no idea how to deal with it.
Until Friday, when he corners me after fifth period.
"Hey dude!" He greets me.
"Oh. Hey." I stammer, face going red.
"Are we going to hang out out at my house after school today?"
And because I'm just a seventh grader attempting to cling to some scrap of normalcy, I say "yeah, of course."
The whole world feels like it's burning down around me but I force a smile.
"See you then!" And I'm off like the flash, refusing to look back. His heart might be breaking but I can't feel a thing, and I can't seem to figure out why.
My brain trips over my heart as I take my seat in the science lab.
This is never how I expected anything to go.
••••
y'all i changed my @ from thecoolplantdad to saturnphoriia but i'm still the same person
