I'm A Motherfckng Woman [TRANSWOMAN X MAN]

6

Kiara Valentina Paladin

Kahit nakauwi na kami't nakaupo na ako sa isang plastic chair dito sa inuupuhan kong room hindi pa rin kumakalma ang kalamnan ko. My hands are shaking and I'm quite disoriented. Mabilis kong pinunasan ang kumawala na namang luha.

"Ate ganda, sorry po." Napatingin ako sa batang babaeng nakaluhod sa harapan ko na may bitbit na towel. Dahan-dahan niyang pinunasan ang sugat sa braso ko habang patuloy na umiiyak.

I feel so bad for her. She doesn't deserve this kind of trauma.

"I'm so sorry, I couldn't protect you, baby." I leaned towards her and pulled her into a hug.

For some moment, I wished I still have my family with me. I wish I could call them and ask them for help. I wish I could ask them what to do during this time cause I know they know better how to handle that kind of people but I am on my own now.

All I could do is to pray that I'll have enough strength and resources to protect this little girl with me.

Matamlay kaming dalawa buong maghapon. We ate our dinner in silence and went to bed without talking much. The silence was heavy and depressing. What happened a while ago did not put me at ease too. I was awake the whole night hanggang umaga. I felt very paranoid and conscious of my surroundings.

I'm not afraid for myself but for this child beside me.

When the clock striked at 6, bumangon na ako mula sa pagkakahiga at naghanda. Ever since Stela stayed with my, nagsto-stock na ako ng pagkain dito sa room ko. May maliit naman akong ref na pwedeng lagyan ng mga meat and frozen foods. I made her a simple bento na may mga favorite niyang fried bacon and brocolli, shiitake and shrimp cutlet, and rice. Nilagyan ko na rin siya ng dalawang strawberry. She always loves it when her bento is full. 

Naalala ko dati, sabi niya most of the times she doesn't eat lunch sa school kasi minsan hindi nakakabili ng rice ang mom niya. And if she ever did have lunch sa school, asin or soy sauce and oil ang nilalagay niya sa rice kasi hindi niya afford ang ulam. This became a reason for her to be bullied, if not bullied, pitied by her peers. But it did not stop her from going to school consistently kahit she almost has none. She's very courageous and determined. I admire her for that. That's why effort na effort akong gumawa ng mga bento boxes niya every morning kahit minsan kinukulang sa budget. I want her to grow healthy. I want her to boast about how beautiful her lunch boxes are. I want her to be confident.  

I picked up her lunch bag from the table at nilagay doon ang bento box niya along with the sandwich and a small cranberry juice tetra pack tapos yong water niya. Naghanda na din ako para sa work ko today. Nang matapos akong magpalit ng admit sakto namang gumising ang baby girl ko.  

"Good morning, Stela," I greeted cheerfully when she stood in front of me. "Mal-" I was about to tell her na maligo na when she suddenly hugged me by my waist. I smiled helplessly and hugged her back. Yumuko ako para mahalikan ang toktok ng ulo niya. 

"I love you po, mommy."

Tears streamed down my cheeks again. But I don't feel sad at all. In fact, I feel very overwhelmed and warm. 

"I...I..of course, I love you just as much, baby girl." 

It is such a wonder how a small ball of sunshine could make you feel so bright and strong despite feeling so hopeless and doubtful. Ito siguro 'yong feeling ng pagiging magulang. 'Yong kahit walang-wala ka na pero para sa anak mo, you can make every impossible things possible.