Fear to Let Go

Chapter 13

A week after this situation Hanta came knocking at my door. Meanwhile I was only lying on my bed. I didn't want anyone around me to tell me that it would go on. Even so, Hanta had been coming over every day, without me opening the door. For safety he was looking through my window, because after what happened to Iva, he certainly got more worried. Gently he knocked against my window. A little annoyed I got up, opening the door as he came over to me.

„Scyaram-"

„I don't want your pity."

„I'm not pitying you! I just want to help."

With a sigh I left into the kitchen, getting myself a glass of water as he followed.

„You'd help me if you'd just leave me alone already... I don't want your whole it's-going-to-be-alright-story."

Serious he looked at me.

„Do you really think you're gonna get anywhere if you try to move on all alone? You can't, you're gonna fall apart. I'm simply worried, Scyaram, and not your enemy."

His words irritated me and I just told him to leave, yet he wouldn't. As I pushed him away, my legs then suddenly stopped functioning once again and I fell to the ground. Hanta kneeled down to me concerned, then I slammed my fist into the ground as he shook back a bit.

„Just get lost already!! I don't want you here!!"

He only stared at me for a bit as he sighed sad and got up again, slowly leaving my house. I was aware that my words may have been quite harsh, but he wouldn't listen otherwise I feared. Tears ran down my face again as I was hiding it in my arms. This complete isolation may have been one of my worst mistakes, but at the same time my own choice. There was nothing really making me happy anymore. As I walked into my bedroom again, a pair of glasses were underneath my bed. Right. Iris had gone with me to that store, because I told her that some part on me felt missing. So we got those, and they sure made me feel better of myself. Anyway though, I was barely wearing them, because I didn't want people to find me strange. Why did I care so much either way? They belonged to me. With a breath I put them on, tearing up a bit as I closed my eyes. She helped me finding myself out better as well. Time moved on so slow. I got lost in my books as a way to keep myself from crying. In the end I counted around 230 books. Mostly mystery. This lead me to stop sleeping almost completely as well, even though I never really slept too well in the first place already, because the thought of Sasha was haunting me. Now those of Iris would as well. A whole year, I stayed completely inside my four walls, until I had a final choice to make. My feet got me into the kitchen as I took out one of my sharpest knives, holding it close to me.

„Either I end it now, or change it."

The more I looked at the knife however, the more nervous I got. Of course. Someone who tried to prevent others from taking their life shouldn't even have such thoughts. Carefully I put it back to where it belonged as I looked at the door, taking a deep breath. So many months ago was the last time I even dared to go outside. I held onto the doorknob for a while until I finally opened it. The sun was shining into my face as I blinked a few times before actually having a clearer vision. To avoid meeting anybody, my goal was the forest, where I started making friends with the animals instead. Nobody came to me asking questions, just simply those little fellows enjoying my appearance. Even though my knowledge of the nature was quite filled, I created a few notebooks about it. This whole procedure helped me moving on. One day I got into animal studies as well and one fateful day, somehow, I created my own. My own little animal. It was fluffy, quite familiar to an oversized dog, covered in blue and green fur. It's four little eyes were looking at me as it playfully was lying on its back, demanding affection. Over time it developed some horns and became quite huge, yet it also seemed to dislike the sunlight, so soon I created a place for it to hide from the sunshine. Thewa was the name I chose for this big guy. Truly, a male, but that was a rather late discovery. And while I kept shutting everyone off, Hanta just got more and more concerned about me. He didn't visit, but he was watching whenever I came outside. Of course, our friendship was quite harmed through my actions, but at that time I didn't want people to get close to me. Meanwhile, Iva in fact gained the energy to live on, even with her non-sleeping ritual and panic attacks. Nobody could heal and nurture physical wounds like her. She was quite unique in that way. At nights when I was sitting down next to Thewa I kept thinking about her. The times we spent together, how she changed with time. I looked at my legs.

„Maybe she could do something about this...?"

After blinking fast I shook my head. Why'd you want it to get fixed?! You wanted it this way! Nervously I scratched up my scares, yet sure regretted it immediately, as I tried to make them stop bleeding.

„Senpaaai~"

Fast I turned around as even Thewa, as sleepy as he used to be, was growling quietly. There was nothing. Gently I was caressing his side, looking nervously. Little did I know who was hiding from me.

Oh Senpai~ Just you wait, one day I'll come to you and we will be together. Forever~.

Four years of isolation sure changed me, but simply, that one day I couldn't help myself. Because that border of Waira's energy, which had been keeping us safe for so long now, had become weaker. It glitched, became seen through. So even with my anti-social side I couldn't do nothing. So I tried to find the only person who was still looking out for me. Hanta. Four years I rejected his visits, I rejected his help. Sure I was worried he'd perhaps be mad at me, in fact I expected it, but this was simply too important. As I found him in a house by looking through the window, I took a breath before actually getting to him fast.

„Hanta, something's up with..."

How embarrassing. There were some strange viruses I've never seen before in that house as well, yet one of them looked quite familiar. He as well looked at me, yet I refrained from giving him any attention. If only I had known what was yet to come...