To a future love

Defining Love

You are the reason why I could write about love. You are the ripped pages, the pages no one ever knew about, the pages lost somewhere at the back of my mind, or crumpled, thrown somewhere in the corner of my heart. I just couldn't lay my finger on why or how or since when did you just decide to feel like a million miles away from me... But more than that, what I couldnt understand was how I couldn't seem to stop myself from loving someone who disappeared on me, someone who didn't want to talk about things, who seemingly ignored all the messages I sent, or took so long to reply, who replied too little and often, won't reply at all. I couldn't understand how I could continue to love someone who was deliberately pushing me away, someone who can make me hurt so badly, someone who decided to exit my life, and still... Love that someone even then... And most especially then.

I just woke up one day and realized that you were nowhere near, that I couldn't be closer to you even if I pulled you in my arms. I can't explain to you how it feels to look into your eyes, and see my reflection, but never finding me there. I wanted to talk to you. I tried. But you were somewhere my words couldn't reach; you were gone. I have always wondered whether you just woke up one day like that too, and realized that you didn't love me anymore. I wondered what you were thinking, how you were feeling and if I had a fighting chance at all to change your mind.

It would hurt every day to see you and feel nothing from you, yet I would always look for you first in the crowd, in the sea of people, in every gathering, wondering if you would come. It would torture me every time I remembered us, all those moments we had together and how you could just throw them away, but i never stopped thinking about you or looking out for you. I never stopped remembering you in the places we've been, in the songs we sang and listened to, in the meals we used to share together, in every scenic view that I know you couldn't resist to capture, in the movies we used to watch and in every little touching thing that I think you would cry to. I never stopped wanting to tell you first, of the things that made me excited, happy, and the things that made me sad, or when I found something funny, or when I thought of a crazy idea. You were the person I wanted to tell everything about, even if I knew that you wouldn't be as equally excited about it as I am, even if you thought otherwise, and even if you rained on my parade or burst my bubble... But i seemed to have lost all that, when I couldn't even bring myself to tell you about all the things I felt for you that I wanted you to know, and about all the things that I thought I didn't.I had so many reasons to hate you, forget you and just get over it. After all, I was good at that --moving on. Yet, i could never bring myself to hate you; I found myself defending you or snapping when I hear them say negative things about you. I couldn't bring my mind to forget what it keeps remembering on its own. I got over the fact that you were starting to love somebody else. I got over the thought that I could never bring you back to feeling the same way before, that maybe I could never have a shot at those moments with you again. But what I couldn't get over with, was the fact that I loved you still.

I remembered what you said when I hugged you before, and you took my hand and brought it close to your chest and wondered how my past love could let me go, and I wondered the same thing... How could YOU let me go? I moved on with my life anyway, but I couldn't stop myself from looking out for you. Whenever I found happiness, I wondered if you were happy too wherever you were, because I wished the same happiness for you. Then I would look in on your timeline and see recent photos of your smiles and I would be at ease. But more than that, I wanted to tell you that it was okay, that I was okay... That you don't need to stay away, that you could tell me you didn't love me anymore and I wouldn't hold it against you. I wanted to tell you that you didn't need to distance yourself, that you could tell me anything and I would take it, that I would rather have you rage on me, shout at me, snap at me, get emotional or hurt me with the truth; but that what I couldn't take was having you go cold on me again.