I Think I Kinda, You Know | Joshua Bassett

70 - Happy New Year

December 31st 2019.

It's been weeks since I last saw him. I deleted his contact. Blocked him in all social media. I feel like a coward from running away from reality like this, but I feel like it's the best thing to do. At least for now.

I mean... He's the guy who broke my heart into a thousand pieces. He lied. He's a complete jerk. But, as much as I hate admitting it, he's also the one who made sure I was okay. He's the one who put me before himself. He's the one who saved me. So... I feel like he's even now... I guess. He made up for it. But can I forgive him for what he did? He apologized to me. And I haven't given him my answer yet. Am I a bad person for leaving him hanging like that?

I've been thinking about this everyday since the last time we've seen each other and the thing is... I realized that I should be the one to apologize. It still sounds so stupid to me to apologize to the person who broke my heart, but... I feel like I've been so selfish.

Yes, he's a complete jerk for breaking my heart. Not to mention he's a fucking sociopath for following me to the lake with Logan, but have I been listening to him every time he's trying to explain himself? Did I ever thank him for keeping me safe and making sure that I was okay? Have I ever at least once thought about his feelings when I say something mean to him? No, no, and no.

I know it's hard, but even if I still can't forgive him, I should at least thank him and listen to him. Properly this time. And I should say sorry too, for never thinking about his feelings and making him suffer. But... Ugh I don't know. I guess I just haven't gotten the right time to do it yet.

I have been spending the last weeks with Abby and Logan, but mostly Logan. He's been comforting me and taking care of me. He would come to my house and bring me food, since I haven't been properly eating.

I look at the clock next to me. It's 4 pm right now. Today is the last day of 2019, and also the last day of the decade. And I've spent it doing nothing. I feel like I should be doing something fun, since I have also been spending the last few weeks not doing anything.

My phone rings on my desk. I go to pick it up. It's Olivia. I slide the pick up button.

"RACHEL!! Oh my god it's been forever since I heard from you! How have you been?" She's literally screaming into the microphone.

"Hi, Liv! I'm good. And I miss you too!"

"Hey, are you free tonight?"

"Um... Yeah I think so."

"We're going to the park tonight with the cast to watch fireworks. And probably light some too. You wanna come?"

The cast, huh? Is Josh gonna be there?

"Oh... Uh..."

"Come on! Everyone's gonna be there and it's gonna be so much fun!"

Everyone. So Josh is coming.

"Um... Well... You know... Jo-"

"We'll see you at 9, okay? Don't be late! Bye, love you!"

"W- Wait!"

She hangs up the call immediately.

Ugh what am I gonna do? Should I go? But he's coming, right? Things are still so weird with him! But... Ugh... I mean, I still need to apologize to him about everything. Is today the day that I'm gonna do it? Is the universe telling me that I need to apologize to him today? Ugh, but I'm still not ready to do it yet!

It's not her fault though for inviting me when Josh is gonna be there. I didn't tell her about our situation right now. The only people that know are Abby and Logan.