I Think I Kinda, You Know | Joshua Bassett

37 - Terrible Boyfriend

I yelled at him. I left him. We were supposed to have a lunch date. Was it my fault? Was it his? God what have I done?

But I mean it was kinda his fault. He was being all jealous that I was talking to Logan. But we were only talking! We were just saying hi to each other! It's not like we were gonna fuck in the bathroom or something. I was just trying to be nice. And Logan is a nice person, despite him being a womanizer.

I sit on the edge of my bed with my foot bouncing up and down. I don't know what to do. He tried to apologize but I walked away. Is he mad at me now? Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should've listened to him. Maybe I should've just forgiven him and this wouldn't happen. We would be eating lunch right now. He would be eating his waffle and I would be eating my burrito. Gosh I'm so hungry.

I was staring emptily at my bedroom floor until a soft knock on my door brings back all of my thoughts.

"Rachy?"

Of course it's him.

"Are you in there?"

Come on Rachel. Open the door, forgive him, and apologize for yelling at him. It's that simple.

"Go away."

Fuck.

"Rachy, I'm sorry. I should've not said what I said earlier."

He was trying to get in your pants. He kept saying those words. He kept saying those words and it triggers me. It's disgusting. I told him to stop but he didn't. He kept repeating it. And now it keeps repeating inside my head.

I remain silent. I don't know what I should answer. I really want to open the door. But I can't. Especially with those words that keep repeating over and over again.

"Rachy, please. Open the door. I'm not leaving until you open the door."

I really don't know. I really don't know if I should open it. A part of me just wants this to be over. A part of me wants us to kiss and make up. But another part of me is still disgusted by him. By what he did and by what he said earlier.

I really don't know what to do and I really can't choose between the two it's making my head hurts. I feel like I'm gonna cry. Why am I such a crybaby?

"Look. I know I acted like a jerk. You told me to stop but I didn't listen. I only made you uncomfortable. And I was a jealous freak. I was being too protective. I thought I was a good boyfriend, protecting his girlfriend from this monster, but I wasn't. You're right. I was the monster. I'm a terrible boyfriend..."

No don't do this Josh.

"...I messed up. I fucking messed up. I'm sorry."

His voice cracks a little as he's saying it. He's being sincere.

My eyes are watery. No Josh you are not a terrible boyfriend. You're the best boyfriend I've ever had.

I can't hear him like this. It breaks me hearing him like this. I stand up and walk to the door. I open it slowly.

"Rachy-"

"You are not a terrible boyfriend."

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"Ssshh... It's okay," I whisper, grabbing his hair with my hand. "It's okay."

A smile appears slowly on his lips. It makes me smile too.

"Here, I got you the burrito you wanted. I know you're hungry," he says as he's handing me the brown paper bag he's been holding.

He's turning my smile even wider. "Why didn't you say that earlier!" I laugh.

He laughs. I love seeing his cute face when he laughs. I take his hand and pull him inside my room.

We end up sharing the burrito. He only takes a few bites though.

He's laying on his stomach on my bed, playing with my penguin stuffed animal while I'm still finishing up my burrito. I take the last bite and put the wrapper inide the paper bag. I put the paper bag on my desk. I'll throw it away later.

"Hey um..." I say as I'm sitting down on the bed. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"Hey it's alright," he sits up from his position. He takes my hand and rubs the back of it with his thumb.

"But I think you're right."

"About what?"

"I have a boyfriend. I shouldn't be hanging out with guys. Especially Logan."

"No. You can hang out with whoever you want. You wanna hang out with Logan? That's fine. If you think he's a good guy then fine because I trust you, okay? I do. I know you wouldn't do the things you shouldn't do. I was the one who was worrying too much."

I smile at the word trust.

"I know you do. But it still doesn't feel right to be hanging out with a guy when I already have a boyfriend. Especially if that guy is Logan, the ladies' man." I answer, making air quotes with my fingers.

"Well... Alright. That's fair enough."

We're back to normal and it feels great. Seeing him sitting here beside me with that gentle smile he has on his lips really makes me forget about everything that happened earlier. It's like they don't even exist. His smile is magical I'm telling you.

I snap out of my thought. I realize that Josh still has my stuffed animal in his hand.

"Hey stop playing with Snowball!" I snatch him from his hand and puts him back on my night stand.

He laughs. "What? Why not? I was just petting him!"

"You always ruin all of my stuffed animals!"

"Okay that was like until third grade. I stopped doing it ever since. And Snowball used to be my stuffed animal before I gave it to you!"

"Yeah, to replace 4 stuffed animals you ruined!"

"They were all the same bear with 4 different colors!"

"They're called Care Bears! And you know how I much I loved them!"

"They're just stuffed animals!"

"They were my favorite stuffed animals! Until you beheaded all of them and switched their heads with their bodies!"

"I made them colorful for you!"

"They were already colorful before you switched their heads! Seriously I still hate you for that."

"Aw come here!" he pulls my hand and I fall on top of him on the bed. I let out a high pitched noice to his unpredictable move. He starts kissing me and I kiss him back. We make out for a while and then we pull away just a little bit so our noses still touch.

"Do you know how cute you are when you're talking about your stuffed animals?" He asks in his half whispering voice.