AMOUR

Chapter 31.

ROYA

I was in the bus, returning home from work. Yesterday was a happy day for me. Jordan and Denver make me happy. Denver dropped me at work this morning and even though he insisted on picking me up at the end of my shift, I denied. I wanted this time to think. Ian could know nothing or everything, I have no idea, but what I'm concerned about is that he'll think I kept this for him. I didn't want to. I just never wanted to depend on hin to comfort me every time.

As I unlocked the apartment and enter, I see Ian sitting on the couch, watching a Nascar highlight.

"Hey," I say, taking the other end of the same couch. I know he heard me come in and remove my shoes. He just wanted to see me to talk to me.

"Hm," he nods, his full focus on the screen. I can tell he's mad. His jaw is clenched and his eyes are hard. This isn't good. I never wanted to hurt him. I wanted to do the opposite.

I lean back on the couch and watch the screen as well. I know nothing about motor sports but they're cool. Ian loves them. He follows them like a religion.

We don't say anything for the first 10 minutes. Then when Ian's finally had it, he turns the power of and turna to me, resting one knee up on the couch. His face holds hurt and it breakes my heart.

"I thought I was your brother?" Are the first words that come out of his mouth and my eyes are already getting blurry.

God, why am I such a crier.

"You are," I say, I try to keep my voice even.

"Then why am I getting to know something from my parents which I'm sure you already knew? Why am I getting to know what's happening in your house from someone else when you're right here?" His voice raises with each word.

"I didn't-"

"What? You didn't want to tell me? Did you think I would judge you? I just wanted to be there for you Roya and I thought I was! Until I find out from my parents who casually mentioned your parents getting divorced as if I was supposed to know this from ages ago?!" He gets up, pacing the area in front of me.

I don't say anything. I don't have anything to say. He's hurt, I get it. I should've told him. He's been there for me and I've been there for him. He should've been the first one to know.

"Goddamn it, say something Roya!" His voice isn't too loud. It's just angrier.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, looking down.

He stops pacing and turns to me. I can feel his eyes on me.

"You're sorry? That's all you have to say?" He asks in disbelief.

"Wha- what do you want me to say?" I clear my throat and ask, looking up at him. I don't know what expression I have on my face, I can't control things now.

"That why you never shared this with me? Was I never supposed to know? Why Roya?!"

I never knew he'd take this so seriously. But then again, him and Jordan have always been the first ones to know anything.

"Does Jordan know?" He asks, when I don't say anything.

Shit.

My silence answers him and he nods at himself.

"So you can tell him but not me. We live in the same fucking house Roya!" He tugs at his hair.

The door to the apartment opens and Denver and Jordan step in.

Do they understand the meaning of later?

"Hey," Jordan says, frowning from the tension in the room. Denver just stands beside him.

Oh god, Dave is soon going to be here too.

Ian scoffa, "wait, so Denver knows?" He looks at me and I look down, putting my face in my hands.

"Ian-"

"Not now, Jordan," Ian cuts him off, looking down at me.

I can't anymore. I didn't want him to know, is it so much to take in? Is it not believable?

"Why?" Ian lowers his voice. He's still angry, his fists are closed tight.

"I was going to-"

"The fucking truth Anderson!" He yells.

"I didn't want to be a fucking burden okay?!" I match his tone, standing up.

"You yourself said you've been there for everything. I didn't want to put everything on you! I couldn't breath under my own stress how would you deal with mine and yours?!" Tears are streaming down my face and I don't fucking care anymore. Everyone in the room has seen me cry before. I can live with this.

"Roya-"

"No. You listen to me. I said I was going to tell you that means I was. I just needed the right time. I'm sorry that you got to know from your parents but it's not my fault if they tell you things before me. You wanted your reason? There! You have it. I didn't want to be a burden because I didn't want you to leave! How much of a fuck up can I be? How many problems of mine will you solve before you leave?!" I breathe.

Everyone's eyes are on me and mine are on Saunders. He has guilt on his face, he's trying to cover it but can't.

Ian takes a step forward and I turn around, about to rush to my room. I'm stopped when he wraps his arm around me.

"Let go Ian," I whisper, my voice hoarse.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, his arms so tight that I don't even struggle to move out. Maybe I don't want to move.

"It's okay, jus- just let me go," I say again.

"It's not Roya, I overreacted," he sighs, resting his forehead on the side of my face.

"I get it, it's fine, just leave me please," I plead, I still can't stop crying.

"No," he shakes his head.

I know he thinks I'm mad at him. I'm not. I just need to be alone right now but they won't let me do that too.

"Group hug?" I ask, trying to humor the situation, looking at Jordan and Denver standing on the side.

"We're good," Jordan smiles.

Ian leaves me, seeing I'm not leaving and I wipe my face.

"I told you guys to come later. It doesn't mean come five minutes after I was supposed to reach home," I state, narrowing my eyes at them.

"We just wanted to be here in case witnesses were needed for a murder," Denver shrugs and I choke a laugh.

"I'll be back," I say and Ian holds my arm.

"Where are you going?" He asks, worried.

"To the washroom you idiot, I need to wash my face and change, I just came from work," I tell him and he leaves my arm. As I enter the washroom I hear their voices before I can close the door.

"You're a fucking dick," Jordan says.

"I know," Ian replies.

And I don't need to hear anything else. I close the door and sigh.