Lost and Insecure

Chapter 14

Meredith. Lately, Meredith hadn't even really took the time to think about how she felt. Merediths injury luckily didn't affect her personality or anything.

In her head, she knew what she was thinking and it was just like she was normal Meredith in her head. She thought the same as she did before this whole mess.

But she couldn't get the words out.

For example, in Pt the other day with Laurie, she knew she felt so frustrated. She knew she couldn't do basic things Laurie requested. But she couldn't get it out, and that made her even more upset.

To her, it was like she was stuck in her own mind. She was trapped, and couldn't get out.

And Meredith, right now, was feeling depressed. She felt like she couldn't connect to anybody anymore. No one understood what was going through her head.

But she couldn't tell people she was feeling this way without sounding like an idiot. Meredith wanted to go back to the way she was so desperately bad. She would give up anything.

"Meredith?" Derek asked, snapping her out of her thoughts. Meredith looked over and faked a smile. "Hey Der. What's up?" Meredith wanted to ask.

Instead, it came out as "De-k hi."

"What are you thinking about?" Derek asked softly. Derek knew his wife. And he knew her well enough to know that she wasn't okay right now.

"None." Meredith replied simply. "Meredith." Derek sighed. "None. Me fine." She said. "Please don't shut me out, Meredith." Derek said gently.

"Me fine. I fine." Meredith said, turning over on her side facing away from him. "If you want to ignore me right now, go for it. But we're not ignoring this. I'll bri it up later." Derek said.

Meredith closed her eyes and let her drift off to a dream land. The only place she felt like a normal human being. The only place she felt like herself.

Right now, she felt like a shell of her old personality. She wasn't her. She didn't feel like her.

•••

Derek knew something was wrong with Meredith. But the problem was, she couldn't speak very clearly. And if he didn't understand her, it would just discourage her further, and he had a feeling her confidence wasn't very high at the moment.

While Meredith was sleeping, Derek got up and went to Dr Welsh and knocked on her door. "Come in." A voice replied.

Derek opened the door and flashed a polite smile. "Dr Shepherd. Hi. What can I do for you?" Dr Welsh asked.

"Hey. Uh, I was just wondering if you had any advice. Meredith, I think she's...struggling, mentally. Maybe depressed. I don't...I don't know how to help her because I don't understand exactly what she's going through." Derek explained.

"Take a seat. Has she had depression before do you know?" Dr Welsh asked. Derek nodded hesitantly. "A few years ago." He replied. "And has she ever shown signs of suicidal thoughts then?"

Derek thought back to her drowning. But he believed her when she told him the story. That she gave up for one second and regretted it.

"No." Derek answered. "Okay. I can fill out a prescription for anti depressants, I think it might help her mentally and in therapy." Dr Welsh offered.

"I think that would be good."

"And as for you helping her..." she said, scribbling a prescription "I would say just talk to her like you would if this never happened. Don't treat her like a baby. Even if she can't respond properly, it might make her feel more normal if you talk to her the way you would if she was how she was."

"Anything else?" Derek asked, making mental notes In his head.

"Just be there for her. And be patient. She gets frustrated easily, but if you encourage her and talk her through everything, she may open up to you more. Most patients I have usually go through this." Dr Welsh replied.

"Okay. Thank you." Derek said genuinely.

•••

When Derek got back, Meredith was awake and staring at the wall. "Hi Mer." Derek said with a grin. "H-hi." She replied.

"How are you feeling?" He asked. "Me fine." Meredith replied. "Hey, I just stopped by Dr Welshs and I overheard one of the residents talking about a rare surgery. Want to hear about it?" Derek asked casuall.

He smiled when he saw merediths eyes lit up and she nodded. Meredith opened her mouth to respond, but Derek stopped her. "You don't have to talk. I can do that part." He said, smiling.

Derek went on to talk about the surgery and got into what he did and for the first time in a while, Meredith felt normal. Derek talked like she was a human being, and didn't force her to respond or talk back. She just listened, and it was great.

"So, anyways. I thought it was really interesting." Derek finished his story. Meredith nodded and snuggled into his chest.

"Mer. I'm not saying this to upset you, but I want you to know that you can talk to me. I don't care if it takes 20 minutes, 40 minutes, an hour to get it all out. I don't care. I can understand what your saying most of the time. I'm not pressuring you to talk to me, but it might make you feel better to get it all out. I know it's hard for you. But I will listen. And I'm never judging you, ever. You're doing a great job." Derek said softly.

Meredith swallowed before looking up at his eyes. "D-Derek?" She asked.

Derek looked at her thoughtfully. "Yes?" He asked, hoping she'd actually talk to him.

She took a deep breath as she played with her blanket. "Me...me okay not. I...none okay." Meredith whispered.

"Oh, Mer. That's okay. It's okay to not be okay. It's understandable. Do you want to talk about it?" Derek asked hopefully.

Meredith nodded.

They were communicating. It was rough, long, but Meredith was talking to him. And he was grateful for that.

Hey guys!! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and hope your all doing well. If you guys have any suggestions for future chapters feel free to drop them! Thank you all for reading!