The Art Of Us

29 • Love Letters

FP's eyes fluttered open and for a quick second he believed it to be morning, until he saw that the only source of natural light where the stars and full moon instead of the rays of sun that usually woke him up.

He wanted to close his eyes again and pull Alice's warm body closer, but when he reached for her his hand landed on the empty mattress. She wasn't in bed anymore.

Instead of turning around and letting it go, he listened to his gut and got out of bed. He shuffled into the living room with squinted eyes, but then he saw a light being on, next to the couch where Alice was sitting with her knees tucked to her chest.

"What are you doing up?" He asked quietly, not wanting to startle her.

"Couldn't sleep." Alice hadn't heard him, but when she looked up to meet his eyes she smiled a little.

"Are you writing?" He asked her, as he noticed the notebook on her lap and the pen in her hand.

She nodded. She hadn't been able to sleep and to ease her mind she decided to write, something that had always helped her ever since she was a teenager.

"Another letter to me?" He tried to joke a little and took a glass to fill with water, thinking he might as well ease the thirst that had woken him up in the first place.

But Alice stayed silent, and when he looked at her he realized that he had hit the bulls eye.

"Wait, it's really a letter to me?" He asked a little confused and insecure, and made his way over to the couch to sit down next to her.

"Is there something in there that you can't tell me? That you are too afraid to share?" FP took her hand, to somehow show her that he was willing to listen if that was what she needed.

"FP, when I said I was scared, I really meant it." Alice croaked out, holding on this hand even tighter. Everything had gone so fast, and it felt more than she could handle sometimes.

"Sometimes I believe I am not cut out for this." She shook her head sadly.

"For what?" He asked her softly, not following what she meant.

"What we have. I was always free, I've never been in a committed relationship before and I am not sure how to function in one. I try, but it feels like I am constantly failing at everything I do." Alice quickly wiped away a tear that fell. She didn't want to cry, but it felt like a fight she couldn't win.

"It's one of the reasons we blew up. I was in love, but I wasn't ready and now..." Alice stuttered, unable to finish her sentence. And now what? She didn't know the answer either.

"You still feel the same, huh?" FP's hand slid out of hers.

"You love me, but you don't want to be with me." He casted his eyes away from her and swallowed. How stupid could be to ever think that this was their happy ending?

"So, we've been through all this the last four months, for what? For nothing? For you to decide you want to be alone?" FP's eyes welled up with tears and he was almost too afraid to look at her.

"No, FP... that is not what I am saying." She said quietly, cupping his cheek with her trembling hand.

"Then what are you saying Alice? Because I don't understand." FP said, his voice cracking. He wanted to know what she meant, but it felt hopeless.

"I mean that I can see myself marrying you and that scares the hell out of me!" Alice exclaimed emotionally, catching FP by surprise.

"You can?" He asked breathlessly.