Clever Girl

Chapter 36: Sometimes I just want to be left alone.

Mark Twain once said that anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored, than to anything on which it is poured. That is how I feel, a vessel whose insides are being chipped away, and I'm powerless to stop it. It's not about this night, or Jay, or Will. It's about everything. It's pushing me to yell, to throw the ire at those undeserving, and it takes every bit of my mental strength to not slap Jay hard across the face simply for standing in front of me. 

As soon as the words escape my lips, I regret it instantly. 

I don't have the power to argue about the animosity between Will and Jay. It's not my place, and I have no business asking Jay to tell me the truth. Maybe he really did turn Will in. Maybe he didn't. They can figure it out amongst themselves. I have more personal, pressing things to devote my time to, like my mother, and for once I need to follow through with my convictions.

"How is Will getting into trouble my fault?" Jay says, the anger on his face blaring through the darkness. "And what exactly is it you think I turned him in for?"

 I take a couple of deep breaths, and let the stillness of the night encompass me - my mind, my purpose. In the distance I can hear an owl, its screech vibrating through the park, a lone sound in an otherwise lonely setting. The interruption reminds me that changing my tune every five seconds can seem jarring to those around me. Hot one moment then cold the next. How can I fix this without appearing insane, or making matters worse? "Look, he got into some trouble, and given your history, it's not crazy of me to think you had something to do with it. When given a set of possible explanations, it's logical to settle on the easiest answer."

"Easiest answer to what? Are you going to explain what you think I did? Or am I going to have to guess?"

"You really don't know? Are you telling the truth?"

"I swear to you, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," Jay stops for a second and glances away and runs a hand through his hair, maybe wondering what's wrong with me. When he looks at me again, the anger is still there, but it has become significantly less obvious. "What do I have to do to make you trust me, Veronica? Tell me, because it's like one second you're totally fine, then the next you're throwing some vague accusation in my face. If you'd rather be with Will, just say it."

"That's not it at all," I say, flustered. A faint, dull pain starts shifting from heart outwards, through entire body. I breathe in again, and I try to focus on a point - of either the conversation or the scene in front of me. The noises I was listening to before. Anything to help control the ache before it spreads further. "Maybe I was wrong, okay? Maybe I'm deflecting. You appeared out of nowhere, and I lost it."

"Deflecting from what?"

Before Jay found me tonight, I couldn't stop crying. A few minutes ago I wanted to sleep with him and forget my entire life in the process. A second ago I was livid with him, and with Will, and with myself, and I wanted to scream at everyone. Now, I want to sink away into a pool of nothingness. "From everything that's keeping me from being able to. . . to be with you. To go to college. To do the things that are expected of me. I told you before, I'm not okay. And tonight was a mistake."

Jay's expression is no longer pulsing with anger, thankfully, but he does look irritated, "Was all of it a mistake? And I told you before, I'm not going to give up on you. No matter how crazy you make me. Not unless you tell me you're not into me."

"Oh my God, Jay! I'm so sick of you telling me that. Stop bringing it up! Forget everything about this stupid, Goddamn day." The buzzing is so loud now that I can't even hear myself think. I feel weak, and broken, and unsure. There are no answers anymore, and no reason, for where I am and what I'm supposed to do next. Following through with my convictions, while on paper seems easy, is actually more difficult than anything I have ever faced in my life. But I have to do it. I have to grow up. "Can we pretend this conversation never happened? Please just . . . let it go."

"Fine.  I'll pretend whatever you want me to pretend. As long as you promise never to bring up that guy's name again."

"Yeah, okay. Then don't assume I'd rather be with him. And stop showing up everywhere. Stop confusing me. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. You need to understand that about me, or we will never work out."

***

My mouth is dry and parched, and my throat aches with no forgiveness. A slice of sunlight pushes through the curtains of my bedroom, blinding me as it shines right across my eyes. I blink, and swear, and turn to my side before falling out of bed.

I'm ashamed of myself. Of how I handled my mother's news. Of running away, throwing myself at Jay, then bringing up a situation that isn't my business - all because I'm not emotionally strong enough to deal with reality. Part of me blames Jay. After all, why does he always have to show up at the worst possible time? He saw how strange I was acting, how desperate and aloof. He could have left me alone. No, stop. It's not his fault. It's not anyone's fault but your own, Veronica. You need help.

The logical thing to do now is to stay calm, to be there for my family, to be mature and responsible.

First, I need to make sure my mother's comfortable, and assure my family that I'm not crazy and I won't run away again. Second, I need to focus every bit of my energy on writing as many papers as possible, and make as much money as I can. And finally, I really need to stop letting anger control me, stop lashing out at those who don't deserve it, and stop involving myself in other people's business. 

After brushing my teeth and washing up, I head downstairs and find Matty sitting alone at the kitchen table having cereal. "Hey buddy! Where're mom and dad?

Matty glances up at me, "Dad's in the living room. Mom's at the hospital."

Panicked and terrified, I clasp a hand over my heart, "What? When did she go? Who took her? Why did no one wake me up?"

"I don't know. Maybe dad knows. I'm just having breakfast. Do you know if we have any juice? I couldn't find any in the fridge, but dad said it's there."

I don't reply. I run into the living room and see my father, totally calm and collected, watching the news, as if nothing has happened. I storm in front of him, "Dad, why's mom at the hospital? Why didn't anyone wake me? I should have gone with her."

"Good morning, Veronica!"

"Don't you 'good morning' me! Tell me what happened."

"Tone, please. There's no reason for panic. She was experiencing minor light-headedness. We thought it was best to have it checked out, just in case. She's completely fine otherwise-"

"Completely fine otherwise? Are you joking? She's not fine. She's sick. And you're here all calm like nothing's going on. Seriously, what the FUCK dad!" 

My father's lack of reaction to my outburst is almost unnerving. He looks at me, more with pity and compassion than with annoyance, "Language, Veronica. I understand what you must be feeling, but at times like these we have to remember to keep our wits. If we lash out and run away every time something happens, what will that accomplish but more pain? Think of your brother - don't you want to set a good example for him? You have school to think of, and preparing everything for the respective colleges that have reached out to you."

"That's not fair-"

"And starting tomorrow, I'd like for you to see your school's counselor. Promise me you will. You're a smart girl, but what's happening right now, you need to talk to someone. Not even a genius can handle this alone."

I sit down on the living room couch, feeling more helpless than ever. "I'm not a genius, and I'm not handling this alone. I have you. And Matty."

"That's a wonderful thought, but you need a professional. They are equipped to walk you through experiences such as this. They'll know what to say and how to listen."

"Right, like talking to someone will make all of this go away."

"It won't make anything go away, but it'll possibly teach you how to cope, so that you're not angry all the time."