Clever Girl

Chapter 44: it's not like that between us.

For my senior project, I've decided to focus on the health care system in this country and how it robs people of basic human rights. Like my mother - she has a right to stay alive, so why did it cost her thousands upon thousands of dollars for access to the proper medical treatments? Why was it only through an "anonymous" donor that she was granted more time? They call themselves the Department of Health and Human Services, but really, their primary concern is servicing their pockets. This country spends billions on healthcare, but what is the money really spent on, if not to service its public? Then again, there shouldn't be a price tag for the right to live. Maybe this project will help me release a fraction of the stress I've accumulated over the years because of it. 

I'll be taking the SATs two weeks from now, which means the two biggest hurdles will be out of the way. Now all that's left is to get through the rest of the school year with as little trouble as possible.

It's near midnight and I'm ruffling through my mother's recent medical bills when my phone lights up. I check the screen, and it's a text from Will asking me if I'm awake. I respond with a yes, and a moment later he calls me. 

"Hey, is everything okay?" I say quietly, not wanting to wake anyone up. 

"Yeah. What are you doing up so late?"

"Did you just call me to ask me that?"

"No, but I actually did want to ask you something."

I sit up a bit, curious, and a little annoyed. Couldn't this have waited until tomorrow? He had me worried for nothing. "Shoot."

"Wanna go to Prom together?"

He has to be joking. One, because it's so far away. And two, because it's not like that between us. "Are you serious? Prom's months away."

"Well I wanted to ask you before Jay did. We could go as friends."

I wish he hadn't brought up Jay's name. It's been a full two days since I've thought about him, about our last conversation, and about my fear that any moment the hospital will call us and say there was some sort of mistake with the donation. "There's nothing going on between me and Jay."

"Ronnie, you don't have to keep lying to me about that. Really, you can tell me the truth, even if I think the guy's an asshole who's out to totally fuck people over. But like, either way I wanted to ask you. So will you go with me?"

"I don't know. I wasn't planning on going." Prom is just the kind of trouble I want to avoid. I have nothing against it on its surface - I understand the desire to end a significant era of your life with a great celebration. Though Prom means having to spend more time with the student body of Apollo, having to be away from home for hours, and having to see Jay again in a vulnerable setting. "Why don't you come over that night instead, and we can have pizza and watch movies?"

"I promised my buddies I'd go. Come on, Ronnie. It might be fun."

"I didn't take your group of friends for the type who'd care about school dances."

"We're not. It's just that it's the last one. And also Grizz asked Evie and she said yes, so he's really excited."

I sit up, "What? Is that a joke?" The last time I saw them together was during our group project, and they did not get along. She'd look at him with disdain and he'd try to stay calm even though I could often hear the annoyance in this tone. Clearly I missed the part when something happened between them. 

"Right? I had no idea he was into her. But whatever. So you in?"

"Hmmm," Will sounds especially eager, and it would be wrong of me to turn him down given the fact that he's helped me a lot the past few months. If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have started earning money by writing essays. I wouldn't have found the one friend I've ever had in high school. I owe it to him, don't I?  "Fine. But then can I ask you something?"

A part of me truly wanted to ask my parents to be my guests for the fundraiser dinner. Though ultimately, I decided that it would be best to tell them of the dinner, and facetime them while there. With Will as my guest, I can enjoy the night while also knowing that he'll take me home right away if needed. Plus, sometimes I think he's the only one in the world I can be a hundred percent myself around. No matter how I react to anyone's comments at the event, I know he won't judge me or pressure me. 

If that's how you really feel, then maybe you should stop lying to him and tell him what happened between you and Jay. I frown at this revelation, knowing it's rather late, and that I should've told him the truth long ago.  

"Aw, Ronnie, I'd love to go," Will responds after I finish explaining the fundraiser. 

"Then it's a deal. Before we hang up, I have something else to tell you," I close my eyes and hope for the best before diving in. "There is - or there was - something going on between me and Jay. We weren't exactly together, but however confusing or undefined it was, I shouldn't have kept it from you the way I did. Can you forgive me?"

There's silence. Is he shocked? Disappointed? Angry? I wait for the needle to drop, for the world to disappear underneath me. When he finally speaks his voice is much lower than before, "Why'd you lie to me?"

"I know you hate him, and I didn't want you to hate me too. It's no excuse though. I'm such a shitty friend."

"You're not a shitty friend. But you didn't have to lie. He's got some fucked up issues that I tried to warn you about before. You deserve someone better. But whatever, you can be with whoever you wanna be with, and you don't really owe me a reason for it, regardless of what I think." 

"He's... he's not that bad. If you knew what he did-" I cut myself off. I think I've done enough damage about the situation. "Nevermind. It's over anyway. I swear I'll never lie to you again."

***

When I was little, my father would read me the poems of Hafiz. One in particular always stood out to me, because it signified love in its purest form. It said, 'And still, after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, you owe me. Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky.' From what I imagined, the sky was our life, and everything my parents ever did for us filled it with light. Yet they never expected us to pay them back. It's just how it was. My world has lost most of that light, but not by anything they ever did, rather by everything that has happened to us.

Once in a while I find myself a little happy. A little taken with some of the things that have happened to me recently. But then, that darkness finds its way back into my conscience. Would it be right of me to force it away again? What if college makes me experience that euphoria again, the one I felt during the game we played in class? What if it becomes constant? Do I have that right?

For the past couple of days, I've been browsing Stanford's website whenever I have a spare moment. Then I close it as guilt creeps up inside of me. 

Hafiz may have spoken of love like a light that shines, but often life gets in the way of that love. And often life and love collide and cause a catastrophe. Like that sun exploding into a black hole that sucks in everything and leaves you hopeless. Come on, Veronica. Stop being so damn dramatic. Stanford is only an hour away. 

I have calculated the exact cost of public transit, from the very first day of orientation up until the end of first semester. I've also worked out the difference in price between the busses and the train.  The scholarship does cover the expenses if I choose to live in the dorms, but that is simply out of the question. There is no way I can leave my parents and Matty alone for that long.

I'll have to ask for extra shifts at the car dealership, and there's probably a way to set up the essay writing service on campus. There needs to be more hours in the day, and more days in the year.