Clever Girl

Chapter 18: "I don't think it's any of my business."

When you're a kid, you can't wait to turn thirteen. You think it promises maturity, of seven glorious teen years filled with parties and friends and fun. Then you realize it's nothing but awkward changes, more schoolwork, and unnecessary drama. All those teenagers in one building together for hours at a time, crazy hormones and the notion that tests and grades actually matter now - it's a rude wake-up call.

Then you convince yourself that when you're sixteen, it'll get better. It's supposed to be sweet, but all it does is reveal the bitterness of reality to you. That life is going to get harder from this point on.

You wait another two years, because you think when you're eighteen, the world will finally take you seriously. Bitterness be damned. Though what you are left with is the harshness of adulthood. Of responsibilities, the constant pressure to be perfect, the truth that disappointment is your new best friend, and you now know that there is no such thing as better.

Some might have the luck of living in a place of privilege, some might be born in a place that is much, much worse than anything I could ever imagine. For me, I didn't have a standard experience, and it began before I had even turned thirteen. At sixteen I'd spend my nights cleaning, balancing finances, and making dinners, never once disillusioned by the promise of another normalcy. Now at almost eighteen, I still have my mom, and my dad, and my brother, and even if not a single other person in the world understands why I've done the things I have, I remind myself that I can't expect them to. This is the hand that we've been dealt, and I will play it the best way I know how. 

Now that I don't have school to worry about, I can devote all my time to what I had planned. 

This morning I had called John at the car dealership and asked him to give me as many shifts as possible. I then spent the afternoon setting up a simple website, offering tutoring in various mathematics and science courses to anyone, and paid for some local ads to appear on search engines. Fingers crossed, I'll get a decent amount of responses.

"How was the party? Did you get wasted!" Matty asks. The two of us are in the kitchen, in the middle of an early dinner. I had ordered pizza and taken a couple of slices to my dad, who's in the living room catching up on some work. My mom's sleeping. 

I smile at Matty, "Do you even know what wasted means?"

"Yes. It means when you're really, really, really drunk. Ariel told me."

"I didn't get wasted. Matty, remember, you shouldn't drink until you're legally allowed to. Promise me. Also, maybe stop listening to some of the things Ariel says."

Matty rolls his eyes and takes a bite out of his pizza. "I promise."

"Good. Now, finish your pizza and then bring me your homework for the weekend. Did you start any of it yesterday?"

"No. Who does homework on a Friday night? My friend Josh came over and we watched Twilight Zone. You were upstairs in your room getting ready for hours, remember? You didn't even notice."

Last night is still a blur. The entire chain of events has my mind spinning in directions I've never taken before. Did any of it even happen? Or had I only dreamt it? After we kissed I had walked away quickly, leaving Jay standing there, afraid to look back and see the look on his face - if he had regretted it, or worse, liked it more than I could describe. I let out a deep sigh and know I should be thankful to Jay. And to Will. They let me leave one era of my life behind with a glimpse of their world. 

"You know what? Why don't we forget homework for tonight? We can go out, get some ice cream after we're done with dinner."

Marty's face lights up, "Awesome! Can we go to that place where there's a thousand flavours, and it's all up on a giant wall? And also a thousand toppings?"