Clever Girl

Chapter 17: Tiptoeing Backwards

The house is a bungalow, smaller than all the detached and semi-detached homes on the block, but with an open concept and wide hallways. Fortunately, there's no alarm system and shuffling from area to area isn't too difficult. I find Will's room fairly quickly - a cluttered space with a desk, posters of stuff I can't quite make out in the darkness, and massive piles of clothes everywhere. On the desk there's a closed laptop and a Iarge collection of unidentifiable containers.

I let Will fall to his bed, remove his shoes, push a pillow under his head, and place his keys on the nightstand.

As I'm tiptoeing backwards, I bump into the desk, causing one of the containers to fall to the floor. The noise of it, though minuscule on its own, vibrates through the stillness as if it were a firecracker. Swearing quietly, but relieved it didn't break and that I can't feel any cracks after picking it, I place it back on the desk with the other containers. 

That's when the labels on the other containers catch my attention. My eyes have now adjusted to the dark enough for me to read some of the text - Cannaflavin A, Apigenin, Quercetin. There are several more, fully liquid and otherwise. I'm not familiar with most of them, and I'm too tired to really focus on the root of each word. Curious, but reminding myself that no one likes a nosy snoop, I turn away and step towards the door. If he ever happens to ask if I saw anything in his room, which he most definitely will, I'll bring it up then.

A sudden, tiny flash of light makes me jump. The glare of the light from Will's phone punctures through the gloom. I'm not even sure if that's what it was, since I can't see his phone anywhere. Someone probably just sent him a text. Breathing slowly, walking as swiftly and yet as soundlessly as possible, I make it out of the room, through the hallway, to the front door and close it behind me.

"That was a serious struggle," I say to Jay when we're at a safe distance from the house. "Who gets that drunk? I'd be super embarrassed if someone had to carry me home like that."

"You don't go to a lot of parties, do you?"

"Not really."

"I actually can't remember ever seeing you at one, or even at any off-campus event. Like last year's bonfire, or the winter festival."

"Right. It's not my thing. I've also never been to a pep rally, a homegame, or a dance."

"Yeah I know."

We're heading back to Grizz's house, this time walking close together, and I'm now wholeheartedly aware that our hands touch at times. The one beer I had is now beginning to have an effect on me as faint drowsiness sneaks in. It's the price of having a hilariously low tolerance. I'll walk with Jay to Grizz's place then head home. "How? Do you keep tabs on all the students that go to these things?"

"I would... look for you. Sometimes."

The beating of my heart gets louder with this declaration, and with every touch of his hand. I can hear my own breathing, its rhythm getting more intense with each second. Someone must be playing drums in the distance, because it can't all belong to me, right? I let the space between us grow, hoping it will somehow ease this peculiar yet almost elated feeling. Come on, Veronica. This is Jay. The perfect score. The impeccable degree of systemically educated. The Golden Boy of Apollo. Why are you letting him have this affect on you?

When I was eleven, I read this book by Betty Edwards, called 'Color: A Course in Mastering the Art of Mixing Color'. While I've never been skilled at drawing or painting, I do love reading books about it. One particular quote stood out to me, "We mostly see what we learned to expect to see." Maybe she was only speaking about colour, but maybe it was much deeper than that. Like how we see people and situations, and how we often make erroneous assumptions or judge based on only what is on the surface. I've held on to this quote for years, and anytime I catch myself reaching a decision without proper study, I try to step back and observe.  

I haven't been able to master it, with classmates, teachers, school overall and even society in general. It's been a process. Now with Jay - I learned to except to see him a certain way since Freshman year. Is mixing in more colour enough to change it all? Or is it just another lesson I must learn and move on from?

The next few minutes pass by in delicate silence. One wrong step, one more uncomfortable word, and this wall that I have spent years building up around myself might just come crashing down. There's a slight chill in the air, and I wrap my arms around myself, a safeguard from the cold and from Jay getting too close.

"Okay, I didn't mean it in like a stalker way."

"No, of course not," I respond with a half smile. "But this is still a little weird. I know I keep repeating myself, but I really don't know how I'm supposed to talk to you now."

"Like you did before."

"With disdain and contempt?"

"Did you really hate me that much?"

"Not so much hate, but I'll be honest, I did resent you."

"What can I do to make it up to you now?"

"You already apologized, so nothing. It's fine." I breathe in deeply, thankful that the loud beating of my heart has now stopped, even if it might be momentarily. 

We reach the driveway of Grizz's house, where the party is still in full force. I stare at the view, ecstatic to be leaving school behind, and yet awfully somber at the same time. Tomorrow is my birthday - and while I know my parents will likely have a small chocolate cheesecake, and we will order take-out and watch one of my favourite movies, like we do every year - I can pretend like the half hour I had spent at this party was only meant for me. 

I stop walking and let Jay go ahead without me. He turns when he realizes I'm no longer next to him, "Aren't you coming?"

"Nah. You go on. I think I've had enough excitement for one night."

"This is it then? You're gone after tonight?"

"Not gone gone. Who knows, maybe we'll run into each other at the grocery store again."

"Can I call you?"

"I did give you my number, didn't I?"

"But we can't see each other?"

I walk up to him, determined to have him understand. "Jay, I told you before. I'm flattered, and in another time and place things could've been different. You can call me anytime you like, but making plans to see each other, even as just friends, it's not a great time for me right now. I have a lot of stuff going on that require my undivided attention. Please don't take that to mean I don't like you."

"I take it you're not quitting to hang out at home, and work at some menial job, like you told me you would. There's a lot more to it, all that baggage you brought up before, and you're not going to tell me what it is?"

"It's personal, and complicated. I hope you understand."

I hold in a small breath, hoping that Jay will drop it for good, and that he won't bring up the past sessions, the papers with formulas scribbled on them that he took from my backpack, the tutoring I had given to his cousin. He could easily draw logical conclusions and question it further, and I'm not sure I have the heart to continue lying. Where we are right now, it's a peaceful place, and it would be nice to say goodbye without any discontent. 

After a few seconds of possible deliberation, he moves closer, "So you do like me."

"I... well I... I don't know," I say, flustered, but thankful he didn't press on about my decision.

"Did I tell you before, that you're cute when you're nervous?" 

"Once, I think." Even in the dark, I can see the piercing blue of his eyes. I had never looked at him in a different light before, never saw him as anything beyond another faceless drone of the system. Now, as the dimmed lights of the streets capture his face, there is an elegance to him that captivates me. I don't know if I would call him handsome or beautiful, or both, but I can now see why others find him attractive. He's so close that I can almost feel his breath on my lips, and I wonder if he can hear my heart now. He must hear it. Every beat in this moment is for him.

He places his hands on my waist and pulls me, and I let him. When his lips touch mine, it's like my soul has been set ablaze, like I'm soaring through a dreamlike moment. I'm dazed and elated, and uncertain if I'm still here or somewhere else, if the ground is still beneath us.