Clever Girl

Chapter 39: Cosmic Balance

If I had known Will would let me back in this way and so quickly, I would have confessed my feelings after the first day. This is what happens when you psyche yourself out and overthink things instead of jumping right in. Sometimes the best solution is the simplest. 

***

Several requirements for university applications are attainable through the faculty. Letters of recommendation are easy enough to get. I'm writing the SAT's next week, and though it's a rather late submission, there are always circumstances where colleges accept late entries. One thing that's an issue is all of my transcripts up until last semester. This semester's almost over, and my grades before ranged from abysmal to below average. My situation is rare, and while we've gone through the formal introductions with admissions representatives, there are still quite a few steps I have to take before anything can be finalized.

"You should go to Princeton. Then you can be around princes," Matty says as we're having dinner. It's just the two of us at the kitchen table, and I've made us ham sandwiches. 

"Matty, that's just the name of the school. There aren't real princes there. Plus, they didn't offer me a scholarship."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. About the name thing. I was just making a joke."

I offer a tiny smile, and imagine myself as a princess amongst other princesses, if I should go to Princeton. I image the walls high with prestige, velvet scrolls hanging in the giant hallways that mark the school's accomplishments in bold letters, classrooms that smell of brick and wine. A castle, lavish and beautiful, where learning is for learning's sake, and not a constitutionalized business. "I think you should go to Princeton. You're already a prince, so you'll fit right in."

"I'd rather be a knight. You know, like have a sword and kill the dragon and save the world."

"What if the dragon isn't evil? What if it's a good dragon that wants to help?"

"Oooh, that's a better idea. With a pet dragon I'll be the most powerful knight ever!"

"And we can call you Sir Matty." My smile grows, and for the first time in a very long time, I feel a little at ease with everything. 

My mother's journey is far from over, but now the path is less muddled with the dread of missing payments. With the donation, all current and past due medical statements were paid in full. We no longer have to stress over pennies disappearing into insane interest, and I can focus instead on the usual bills - mortgage, groceries, utilities, and other things we've been struggling to keep up with. At least for a couple of months anyway. Who knows what the future will bring. 

The last set of essays erased a bit of our debt, and I think if I really buckle down, I can eventually erase it all. My fear of cosmic balance shifting our financial issues into another gigantic problem has subsided a bit, even though I still haven't received a call from the hospital regarding the donor's agreement to speak with me. Being grateful should be easier than waiting for the other shoe to fall. 

Maybe not knowing the answers to everything is better. I don't know who made the donation. I don't know if tomorrow my mother's illness will evaporate, or further solidify. I don't know where I'll go to university, or if I go at all. I don't know who it was that turned in Will's name, or if our friendship really is a hundred percent back to where it was before. So many things are uncertain, but obsessing over each thing will only aggravate my anxiety. 

"Veronica? Hey, Veronica! Hello?" Matty waves his hand in front of my face. 

I snap out of my moment of self revelation, "Yeah, sorry. I was lost in thought."

"Well your phone's buzzing."

I glance down and see Jay's name across the screen. I haven't spoken to him since that night at Grover park, since I practically threw myself at him then pushed him away. "Hello?"