washing machine heart

apologies

TW/ self harm
——-

Laying on her bed late in the night, Emily stared up at the ceiling. It was quiet in her and Spencer's room, too quiet. Once again, he had fallen asleep early, stressed from the events of the evening. It left Emily alone with her thoughts.

All she could think about was Elle's face when she entered the restaurant, it was the most hurt she had ever seen on someone's face. Elle didn't say anything to her, just stood silent next to her friends, tears welling up in her soft eyes.

Emily cleared her throat, trying to forget the looks she received. Spencer looked confused, Derek looked almost... amused, relieved, in disbelief, and Penelope looked.. Hurt, for Elle. Penelope always preached being true to yourself unless it hurt others. Spencer would never be mad at Emily, but even he understood that she had fucked up. Big time.

Emily grabbed her phone, clicking through instagram. Elle had blocked her, and so had JJ. The blonde's anger hurt Emily more than anything. Had she read the room wrong? She didn't even care for the slur thrown her way, she just couldn't believe she had done it. She had kissed Jennifer Jareau. She wasn't even sure why she did it- it just seemed right in the moment. It was like a force was pulling them together in the moment.

She regretted it nonetheless. Despite the fact that JJ's lips felt like fire against her, and she could have done just that for the rest of her life, it had destroyed every other aspect of her relationships. She had lost Penelope, and Elle, the sweetest girl she could have ever had.

Why would she lose the best thing she would ever find, just for a kiss from the biggest bitch she had ever met in her entire life?

She set her phone down on her side table, and sighed softly. She had to go to sleep, she had to stop thinking about it. She wasn't a bad person- she just made a very big mistake. She would find a way to make up for it eventually, at least she could with Pen, she wasn't so sure about Elle. They didn't even have a conversation. There was no why did you do that? Or what the fuck is wrong with you? Elle just rushed out of the resturant with Penelope's hand in her own.

Spencer walked up to her with her jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders, leading her out of the store. She didn't remember where Derek had gone. Her memory was a bit fuzzy up until she had been sitting infront of the bathroom mirror, her mascara pouring down her face due to her tears. Her arms were burning with something, and her head was pounding inside her skull.

She had probably drank until she got into bed. She wasn't sure though. She planned on asking Spencer in the morning if he knew.

She rolled over in her bed and pulled her legs up near her chest. She closed her eyes and let herself doze off, refusing to think of Elle, or JJ.

This didn't prevent any dreams.

Emily woke up buried in the arms of a particular blonde, both nude from the events of the previous night. She smiled, nuzzling into the crook of her neck, placing a soft kiss on JJ's collarbone. It woke the girl up, who looked down at Emily with a wide grin, leaning in to place a deep kiss on her lips. Suddenly, their bedroom door flew open to reveal Elle.

She lunged at the couple, a knife in hand, plunging it into the chest of JJ, right in her heart. Emily watched all of this happen, frozen against the wall as Elle had thrown her into it. She watched as JJ, the girl she loved, bled out infront of her, unable to do anything. She screamed and cried as Elle watched carefully, laughing manically.

"No! No!" Emily screamed out, rolling around in her bed. Spencer grabbed her by the shoulders, shaking her out of her nightmare.

"Emily, emily. You're dreaming. Wake up!" He gently shook her a bit more, causing her eyes to fly open as she looked at her best friend. She immediately burst into tears, falling into her friend, pulling him into a tight hug. He let her rest in his arms for a moment, just brushing the back of her hair as she cried into his shirt. "Do you want to talk about the dream? I heard something about JJ." He said curiously, pulling back ever so slightly to look down at her.

"No, it doesn't matter." She shook her head, releasing her grasp on him. She rolled up from the bed, letting her feet drop to the floor. She sighed softly, looking back at him as he continued sitting on her bed, looking at her curiously. "Seriously, Spence." She walked over to their bathroom, letting the door close behind her.

She stared in the mirror, in shock at the state of her body. Small cuts dug into her arms, crawling all the way down to her wrist and all the way up to her elbow. She felt queasy at the sight. She hadn't done such a thing since sophomore year of highschool, at the height of her mother's physical/verbal abuse. She leaned down to the cpboard below the sink, looking for some sort of alcohol to clean the wounds, not exactly craving an infection again.

She took the time to clean her wounds then wrap them up with some type of medical wrap, though gentle so she didn't prevent any chafing from the skin and wrap rubbing aganst one another. She hopped in the shower, ignoring the ache of her wounds as she ran her fingers through her hair, making sure it was thoroughly washed.

She climbed out of the shower and walked back into their room, noting Spencer's absence. She assumed he had gone out to breakfast again, which was a bit of a relief. She wanted to be able to sit in peace and contemplate the events of the last few days.

She slipped into a nice outfit, that hid her body quite well. Despite the heat, she knew it was better to do this than deal with any fucking questions. She put on a long brown sweater, a pleated skirt, and a pair of dirty brown converse, sitting beside the window again. She looked as people began waking up, walking around slowly to their classes. It was always interesting to see the different people awake in the morning. Emily herself enjoyed the morning for the most part, while someone like JJ refused to wake up before 10. She rolled her eyes at her own thought process. "I have to stop thinking of her. Jesus." She grumbled before moving away from her seat, grabbing her bag, and running out of their room.
---------------------------------------------------------

She walked slowly around the campus, waiting carefully for her 9 AM Behavioral Pysch class to begin. It was boring, but she could no longer stand being in that room. It held quite a bit of memories of just the past few days. She wasn't sure how everything had fallen apart in such a short period of time. She had lost friends, and the friends she still had were even acting distant with her now.

She pulled out her phone to sync her airpods, blasting music in her eyes. Although it was quite early for loud music, Emily didn't hesitate playing her Paramore playlist. It fit her situation quite right, anger, hurt, angst. It was almost perfect.

She sighed as she walked along the sidewalk, focusing her gaze on the ground as she thought of Spencer, wondering where he could be. She wondered if anything had happened with Derek while she was outside with Elle. Maybe she would never know now.

"What the fuck?" A girl called out as Emily ran into her head-on, causing the two of them to stumble backwards. Emily instantly looked up, ready to apologize until she noticed who it was. Elle. "Oh, fuck this." The girl turned her back to Emily and began walking in the opposite direction. Emily noted her heavy eyebags and instantly ran after her, grabbing her shoulder to prevent her from moving.

"Elle, can we please talk?" The younger brunette looked at Emily, pure hatred swelling in her eyes. "Please. I want to explain."

"How exactly are you gonna fucking justify kissing my best friend, right infront of me? "Oh, Elle, it was just an accident. Elle, I didn't mean to. Elle, it was just in the moment. Elle, I'm so sorry." Fuck that, Emily. Whatever you have to say, I don't care." She stared up at her, waiting for Emly's response.

The older brunette was frozen in place, staring down at Elle. The anger overwhelmed Emily slightly, she wasn't used to seeing this from anyone. She supposed she would have to get used to it. "Elle, I... I don't know why I did it, I guess I'm just a bad person. Ok? I'm a bad person. I'm a bad person, and I'm a bad girlfriend, and you deserve better." Elle chuckled slightly, looking away from her.

"Good job, Emily. You finally figured it out, that JJ was right all along. In fact, that everyone was right. You are a shitty, shitty person. You're really trying to play the victim?" She scoffed, reaching forward to rip Emily's arm away from her, causing Emily to wince. Elle looked at her, cocking her head. "Emily, you didn't. Are you fucking serious?" The older girl ripped her gaze away, turning to the ground beneath them. "I, Emily. You know what? I don't care. I don't have to." Elle turned away from her, sprinting in the opposite direction- leaving Emily to stand silently, staring off in her direction.

Perhaps Elle was right. Maybe she was a bad person. =