washing machine heart

talking

tw/ mentions of self harm
—-

Spencer slowly opened the door to his and Emily's dorm room, noting the dimmed lights. After a long day with Derek, he was exhausted. Derek taught him how to toss a ball around, and surprisingly, Spencer excelled at it. He was good at most things he did, until he came to sports or anything of that variety. He wasn't athletic, not even slightly. Every time he caught the ball, Derek would run over and plant a kiss on his lips, unable to stop himself from touching Spencer in even just the smallest one. Spencer, however, ignored the fact that when someone had entered the field Derek wouldn't do that. He decided to ignore it.

Other than that, they went out to lunch, then went back to Derek's room and made out quite a bit more. It was nice getting to genuinely know the boy and have someone he could talk to without even a little bit of judgement in his voice. He could talk about his childhood, his mother, his friends, his experiences of not coming out, and more.

It was returned- Derek felt comfortable speaking about whatever he wanted to and it was nice, being with someone who wasn't afraid to tell him things. Spencer sighed softly, closing the door behind him and leaning against it for a moment. Even though he knew Emily and him were okay again, a small part of him was dreading the conversation. He knew he would hear about her and JJ, and while Emily was his best friend, he was on Elle's side. Elle was absolutely devastated, and it was tiring being dragged between the two sides.

He slid off his shoes, entering the bathroom before he going into the main room. He looked at himself in the mirror, smiling slightly at his slightly ruffled hair that he hadn't done in an couple days. He sighed softly, remembering the way Derek's tough hands slid through it so softly, playing with the tips of it between his fingers. Closing his eyes, he remembered all of it. The way he felt so soft sleeping with his boyfriend, so content as he slept through the night.

He turned on the shower, stripping himself of his clothes. He let his pants fall to his ankles, carefully stepping out of them and climbing into the shower. He let the cold water run over him as he waited for it to become warmer. Unlike most people, Spencer genuinely enjoyed cold showers. It was a good shock when he needed to become stimulated in another way if overstimulated, it was good for his skin, it was nice. However, tonight was a hot shower night.

As it warmed to a proper temperature, Spencer turned and poured soap into his hair, lathering it between his fingers. He let it rest for a moment as he leaned against the shower wall, deep in thought. What was he supposed to say to Emily? "Hey, I'm kind of a hypocrite. I was against you dating Elle so quickly, but here I am, doing that with Derek." What was he doing? How did he think this was going to work? He was under an illusion.

Groaning softly, he turned his head back to the water to let the soap fall out of it, biting his lip as tears began to form in his eyes. If Emily, one of the sweetest people he knew, would so easily cheat on Elle, also one of the sweetest, what was stopping Derek? Spencer wasn't exactly his type in the past. He was a skinny, intelligent, socially awkward, lanky, mature, person. Above all, he was a guy. Perhaps it was just an experiment? Perhaps he had been wrong to think that Derek would ever like him over the girls at their school? He ran his fingers through his hair, getting the remainder out before leaning his head forward so only his neck was exposed to the water as he leaned on the wall. He didn't want Derek to cheat on him.

He laughed softly, of course nobody wanted anyone to cheat on them, but he wasn't sure how he would handle it. The first boy he genuinely liked, the first boy he genuinely trusted, if he broke his heart it would be over. Spencer wasn't sure he would ever recover. Not that he was in love with him quite yet, but he could see himself being so at some point in the future. If anything terrified him, it was that.