Raise a Glass to Freedom

Chapter 17

John POV

After the Trial Alex drives me home. While we drive I look out the window, neither of us are talking and it's awkward. I know he probably wants to talk about what I said, so do I but I don't wanna bring it up. I said I wanted to date him but now I'm not so sure. I mean yes I like him.. probably even love him but I don't want him to have to put up with all my bullshit, and after Thomas I'm scared, I don't know what he'll do. Thomas was nice before we started dating then a month in he started hurting me and I don't trust Alex not to do the same thing. I bring out the worst in people. I get on their nerves and make them hate him, then I get hurt.

We arrive back at the college and Alex looks at me, he doesn't get out of the car or even open the door he just looks at me clearly expecting me to say something. I just look down and play with a loose thread on my hoodie. "John?" I look at him "Are we gonna talk about it?" I just shrug, he sighs "Come on.. let's go back to our room." he gets out of the car and starts walking towards our room and I follow him.

I walk into by rom and lock the door. I need to figure something out before Alex comes in. I know I like him but I can't date him, but I told him I'd date him. Last time I hurt him he beat me up and I know I'll hurt him again by just being alive. I hear him know on my door. "John? Can we talk?" I sigh and open the door, he walks in. "So uh you said you wanted to date me?" He says clearly nervous.

"Oh yeah.... um I-I know I said that but umm.. I changed my mind" shit no that sounded so means. "No- wait that's not what I mean I just mean I don't wanna date you" Fuck! Why can't I just talk properly? He looks at me and he looks hurt. "Shit.. no Alex I- ugh I don't know how to explain it but I just can't date you ok" I say nervously.

"No. John you need to figure out what the fuck you want, you can't keep leading me on like this!" He raised his voice a bit and I look down. I open my mouth to say something but he stops me "No, don't even say anything. You keep saying you wanna date me then changing your mind before we can even talk! I know you think I'm gonna hurt you or something but I would think by now you would know that I fucking love you and wouldn't do that! Stop thinking that everyone you get close to is gonna hurt you cuz we're not! So don't fucking talk to me until you figure it out!"

I tear up and run out of my room, I run into Peggy and she looks At me concerned "John are you ok? What happened?"she asks, I ignore her and run to the bathrooms and lock myself in one of the stalls.

Alex POV

John tears up and runs out of the room, ugh what was I thinking? I know better than to yell at him. Shit and he probably thinks I hate him, I'm an idiot I know he's stressed and upset, I should go find him. I walk out of the dorm and start looking around when I see Peggy "oh Alex, hey do you know why Johns so upset? I saw him running away crying"

"Fuck, yeah I kinda yelled at him and got mad for basically no reason then he ran out, I'm trying to find him now, did you see where he went?" I explain.

"Dude what the hell?! You better fix it cuz I'm not having my best friend upset cuz of you, he went that way towards the bathrooms so go fucking help him" I nod and run to the bathroom cuz he's most likely there

"John?" I ask. I hear a whimper from one of the stalls "john.. I know you're in here please come out, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to yell" I hear him sigh and come out. "John I'm so sorry, I didn't mean anything I said, I just got upset cuz I love you but if you don't wanna date me that's fine, or if you need time that's also fine just whatever you want is fine with me and-" he cuts me off by pulling me over and kissing me.

"I don't care if you hurt me anymore, I love you and I wanna date you... I can't promise I'll be a good boyfriend or get scared or angry but I love you and I trust you and with you I'm not afraid to get hurt cuz I know you wouldn't do it on purpose" He says and looks at me. I just stand there shocked for a moment before processing what just happened.

"Oh John, thank you so much, I love you and I promise I'll never hurt you or yell at you again," I hug him and smile, he hugs me back. "You're perfect John, I love you and everything about you so I don't want you to change anything like you did with Jefferson, I love your hair and your freckles and your body and your personality and everything about you"

He smiles, not like his usual smile we're his eyes look sad but like how he smiles when I said he looked nice in the red dress, a real smile where he truly looks happy and it's almost like he was never broken. I love him so much. "Thank you Alex... I love you so much too and everything about you" he kisses me again and I kiss him back.

Word count: 1005