- Intoxicating love - (Jesse Klaver x Rob Jetten)

7- lonely nights

Guys, I am not dead. No, I did not abandon Wattpad. But I was gone for a while because I was in the Netherlands, meeting Rob and Jesse :* So yeah, I now know exactly what they look like, and I'm not afraid to use my knowledge here. Have fun with this new chapter!

He smells like hotel shampoo and coffee. Not a minute has passed where he hasn't thought about Sjoerd. If he thinks about him too now? If he already packed his stuff and left? Rob hopes he took his smell with him. He can't stand it anymore, even the thought of it makes him sick to his stomach.

Is this heartbreak or guilt? Guilty, because it doesn't hurt as much as it should. Heartbreak, because he might've let the best boyfriend slip through his fingers. After all, a 6 year long relationship has gone to an end. Shouldn't he be crying and eating ice cream in the bathtub? Sjoerd would. He probably does right now.

Was Rob too harsh with him? Should he have given him another chance? Maybe they could've fixed things, if they really tried.

No. Because there's still Jesse. There's still that relationship to explore. He can't deny the attraction he feels any longer. Then again, still no sign from Jesse. Still, he ran away. Still, this barrier between them.

Rob will just take a couple of days off to process things. The days will pass like the wind, nights blending into days, one coffee mug after the other. Guilt spiral washing him down, draining every bit of happiness left. A cycle of eat, sleep, repeat, until it wears him down and he doesn't feel like getting up at all.

He wished he could blame Sjoerd, make him the reason why he has no appetite left, and why his stomach is always in a knot, but he hasn't even grazed his mind. This is not about him, this is something entirely new.

The fork squeaks as it scratches on the plate, the food on there being pushed from one end to the other. He's already sorted his salad, tomatoes accompanying tomatoes, peas lying by peas. What's the point in eating anyways? The food remains untouched while he zones out, vision going blurry, world turning mute.

How many days have passed in this misery? He can't tell- it could be a week now; maybe two? When was the last time he showered? Would the world of politics miss him? No one has reached out, no one left a message, no one cared. Rob's been gone and nothing changed.

Maybe it's better that way? Maybe he chose the wrong career after all?

The reflection in the mirror feels like a fake version of himself. Grey matte hair in an untidy mess, its usual fluffiness long gone. Dark circles under the eye in contrast to the white pale skin underneath. Stubble where used to be well-kept smooth skin. Even his cheeks have become hollow from the lack of foot entering his system. How could it have come to this? It's all blurry.

While Rob slowly decomposes at home, Jesse works hard at the parliament. While Rob stares at the ceiling, Jesses eyes wander through important papers. While Rob listens to the sound of absolute silence, Jesse puts on the radio to catch up with current events.

Jesse functions, while Rob breaks. A difference between day and night.

This loneliness feels like eternity. Endless hours of darkness and sorrow, the end of it nowhere in sight. The first few days without Sjoerd felt like freedom, but slowly turned into a prison of self doubt and pain. The amount of times Robs fingers hovered over the call button- maybe they could've hooked up one last time? A proper farewell, a way to hurt each other without actually doing so.

But he deleted his number. Blocked him everywhere. Got rid of all the evidence that there ever existed a relationship.

And now there's nothing left but loneliness. Bitter, utter, dark, deep loneliness, that creeps inside him like a demon masticating at his flesh. But who is he kidding? Not even Sjoerd could fill the hole Jesse left behind.