"Are you even hearing yourself right now? This is why we believe you're fully competent for this initiative. Whatever you've gone through has been training you for these moments. You don't ever stop fighting, there's always another threat. A threat...
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a/n - okay guys warning, this one's emotional - tw for sensitive topics
Life had rewinded back three years.
Thor was struggling with the loss of half the population. He was struggling to come to terms with the fact that we lost, Thanos beat us. The part he played in it was undeniable but it wasn't his fault, not at all. I didn't blame him, the others didn't blame him, the people of New Asgard didn't blame him but that didn't matter because he blamed himself. He saw himself as unworthy of everything good in his life and he shut himself away, physically and emotionally from all the people that loved him. He turned to alcohol, drinking away his feelings of sorrow and regret and neglected all those that were around him who wanted to be that lifeline to pull him out.
Yet somehow, this time, it felt worse.
He was the same in some ways, drinking and drinking and drinking until he slurs his words and sways on his feet and passes out on the floor. His hair was unkempt, his beard grew out of control and he started gaining weight again.
This time, I didn't have the energy to help him.
I was hurting just as much as he was, perhaps even more. I still felt that emptiness inside of me. The switch from the growing, budding and joyful life inside of me to feeling hollowed out and torn was agonizing. Before, I was the one who stuck by his side, provided him the place that was lightened in his swarm of fog. This time I needed him to fill the emptiness and he wasn't there for me. I needed his comfort, his touch, I needed his lightning to strike and bring brightness back into the darkness but he didn't and that was the fine line.
He wasn't there for me at the time I needed him the most. If only we had confided in each other right at the beginning, we wouldn't be were we were now.
To put things starkly, Thor and I weren't on good terms.
After the loss of our baby, I was broken. I could hardly sleep, I could hardly eat, I could hardly drink, I couldn't even bring myself to get out of bed most days. It was me who picked myself up, not Thor. He was grieving in his own way while I had to rebuild my body and my mind from scratch, all by myself. There were some days when I felt like giving up but Mrs Kalista became a lifeline for me. Whenever I was on the verge of quitting, she was on the next flight. Her visits were regular and gods was I thankful for it because without her, I would not be here today.
An entire year it took me. To begin to feel like myself again. It was a hard journey full of restless nights and agitated days but in no way am I now fully myself, especially when my partner was still in his self destructive habits.
Did I think it was selfish? Yes. At first I understood, he felt the emptiness, just as I did, we were one of the same in the hurt we felt but he didn't reach out to me. Once I started to get healthier again, I tried with him, tried to lean on him and to get him to lean on me but he decided he'd prefer to lean on those bottles.
