Give Me Love

chapter five

Your first thought, before you even opened your eyes, was wondering how much you drank that caused you to black out like that.

Your shrilling alarm had brought you out of such a deep sleep, you could barely feel your arms as you blindly slapped your phone, shutting that awful sound off.

Your second thought— you were so tired.

And your eyes were sore, you noticed as you blinked them open. And your head was cold. Did the blanket move off of you while you were sleeping? Or had you never pulled it up?

That's odd. You always slept with something over your head.

Then you shifted, and noticed that you were quite uncomfortable, not wearing your usual pajamas. No— you were wearing your scrubs. And then it dawned on you.

You hadn't been drinking the night before.

It's Tuesday.

Your phone was cracked because you'd dropped it.

Your friends hated you.

You need to go to work now.

You couldn't do it. The crushing pain of your friends' betrayal slammed into you with renewed force, as if it too, had slept and gotten the energy to come pummel you full force again. You moaned into your pillows as if it might lessen the ache, but it didn't work.

Get up, you yelled at yourself. But you couldn't. Your bones were weak, your muscles putty. Your whole face hurt from crying and there was a weird stinging pain on your wrist from where you had dug your nails into it. You looked at it now and saw angry red indents where the skin had been rubbed off, and were mad at yourself for finding satisfaction in the pain you felt when you pressed on them.

Get. Up.

This time, you managed to sit up. You swayed in your spot, finding the prospect of lying back down and drowning in your pillows much more attractive than actually getting up and facing the day.

But you had experienced pain before. You knew how to function when it hurt the worst.

So you forced yourself to slip one leg out from under the covers. Then the other. Then you put them on the ground.

It might have taken you three tries to stand up, and you might not have had the strength to lift your arms to do your hair, and you may not have managed to be able to eat or drink anything, but you did make it out of the apartment. And you did stumble down the street of Coruscant to the Jedi Temple, even though you had forgotten your jacket and were shivering the whole way there. And you did manage to punch into work on time.

Rico had enough decency not to say anything about your appearance when he saw you, and for that you were grateful. You're sure that even if you could manage a response, it wouldn't be a very nice one and he would most likely "take it off your paycheck."

Work was a bit faster paced, and you found yourself dozing out in the middle of some patients as you worked on them. That was dangerous, and you had to keep scolding yourself to stay awake.

You spent your whole lunch break scrubbing your hands in the sink, unaware of the fact that you had been rubbing the same soap between your palms as the warm water washed over your skin for 20 consecutive minutes as your mind turned over every instance in the past week that could have resulted in your friends not wanting you anymore.

It must have been that night at the Core, because everything was fine up until then.

But that's the way things like this happen, isn't it? You thought bitterly. One day, things are fine and the next, they're not. There's no use agonizing over it because you're never going to know the answer why.

Deep down, you knew that, but knowing it and accepting it are two very different things. So you let that fact sit at the edge of your consciousness, hoping it would sink in like melted butter as time went on.

By the end of the day, you were going over a list of planets you could move to off of Coruscant.

There was Bespin, but you were a little too afraid of heights for that. Kamino, but they didn't need medics there and you'd effectively be useless. The most appealing idea to you at the moment was Hoth. You could live in an igloo and hunt wampa for the rest of your life.

The work day was over and most of the medics were cleaning their stations, but you stuck your head out one last time to see if there were any more patients. That's when a certain young Togruta Padawan chose to come shoving through the double doors, immediately catching your eye.

"Hey, Y/n. I'm here to get cleared to go back into battle," she explained, heading over to you.

It surprised you that she was back to get cleared so soon, as it had only been a week since she'd first arrived in the medbay. But different people heal at different rates, so you took her into your room and studied her wound, which had already scarred over in most places.

"You're not completely healed, but you're functional enough," you told her as you scribbled your signature on the slip she handed you.

"I guess that bed-rest really did work," Ahsoka joked, and you tried to laugh. Force, you tried, but you just couldn't manage it.

She thanked you brightly anyways and then hopped off the table, heading for the door. But before opening it, she paused suddenly, as if she forgot something. She turned back to look at you, eyeing you up and down curiously.

"Hey... are you okay?"

It was only a matter of time before she picked up on how off you were feeling. Damn Jedi and their damn Jedi gifts. You were really hoping she wouldn't ask, because you really didn't want to have to lie.

"I'm good," your face twitched like you were trying to smile, and Ahsoka could laugh at how awful that coverup was.

"Yeah. Okay," she hummed. She didn't want to leave you, but Anakin and Obi-Wan were waiting on her to get dinner. It took her only a second of thought before she blurted out, "Do you wanna get food with me and Anakin and Obi-Wan?"

Her offer had the first hint of warmth leak through your cracks since you'd seen Padmè the day before. You thought it might be nice to get dinner with the three, as they were always so fun and welcoming to be around. But you remembered how Anakin found you yesterday, and the thought of showing your face to him ever again made you physically nauseous.

"Thanks, Ahsoka, really. But... I think I'm just gonna go back to my apartment."

"Sometime else then," she smiled gently, and then left the room. You huffed out a long breath, and then got to work cleaning your station.

Today, all you could feel was the constant throb of pain in your chest as you wondered why you weren't good enough for those girls. It hurt with every breath you breathed, every step you took, and every move you made. Tomorrow would be better. And the day after that, better. And better and better, you would make progress a little at a time until you could finally breathe without your heart hurting so damn bad.

But today wasn't that day.

So you walked home, barely remembering to change into pajamas before pulling the covers up over your head, and falling into a haunted, restless sleep.