Silent and lonely world (Dark clouds before sunny weather - Book 1)

Chapter 5

Note: This chapter contains a mild description of a panic attack, please be warned and proceed at your own discretion

Mo Xuanyu was sitting in the small shadow he had found and was trying to find some ground under his feel. Ever since the classes had ended for the day and A-Yuan had all but dragged him to the party which he should by no means take part in, bad boys did not deserve to have fun, Mo Xuanyu had been feeling weird. All the running around after the energetic and clearly excited A-Yuan had worn him out and the injuries from his yesterday's punishments got irritated by so much moving around.

He was afraid he had even started bleeding from his backside again because he could feel a sticky wetness soiling his pants. He did not blame A-Yuan for dragging him around. It actually made his unresolved and weak self decide to join the others for once. This was the perfect opportunity after all; his aunt, uncle and cousin were gone for the week so they would not know at what time he would arrive home. Hopefully, they would never know that he had disobeyed them.

And even if they did, he would not mind being punished harshly. He was actually enjoying being in the company of other children and see them this energetic despite not being able to join them. He still did not think he deserved to have any fun, and also, his body was in too much pain at the moment, he needed a moment to rest. He was feeling lightheaded and hot too, he knew he could not take off his jacket because then everyone would see the bruises on his arms, but he felt like he may actually faint at any moment.

So when his favourite teacher came to him with a glass of lemonade and told him to drink it, he did so gladly. He felt a bit better afterwards. Only until the teacher started asking uncomfortable questions and telling him to go join the others. He could not, even if he wanted to.

The only people who his aunt and uncle did not forbid him from speaking to were the teachers at his school. It was only out of necessity really; it would be suspicious if he would not answer questions at school. They would immediately know something was not right and then everyone would discover what a bad boy he was and would turn away and leave him. He did not want that, he feared that the most. It was lonely at home and he was terrified that if anyone found out, he would also end up all alone at school. He would not be able to bear that.

He was actually relieved when the teacher left because he had to go check on a crying child. Someone probably got hurt and Mo Xuanyu was sorry for them. He did not want anyone to not be able to enjoy all the fun. All the children, the ones he knew and also those he did not, seemed to have been having fun and it warmed his heart to see them smiling. Although he would probably never get to do that, it was still soothing to at least watch.

Suddenly, he felt a wave of nausea wash over him when he shifted to see better. Pain shot up his spine from his hurting and bleeding backside and he could hardly keep himself from kneeling over and rolling into a ball to stop the world from spinning. He wanted to throw up his lunch but he did not dare to, he knew that he would be hungry before breakfast next morning and it would make it hard to fall asleep.

He gulped it down and took several deep breaths. It got a bit better and his vision cleared somewhat, there were no black spots dancing in it anymore. He knew the teacher had told him to wait for him here, but he could not, he had to get home so he would be able to just roll into a ball and fight his body as per usual. He could not do that here, not if he did not want the teacher and all the children to see.

He slowly got up, still taking deep breaths and steeling himself against the pain. His legs were shivering like those of a new-born fawn and he was finding it hard to stay upright. He was loathing how weak he was to let something like this to get to him. He certainly had known worse, this was nothing. However, usually he did not have to pretend to be fine because there were so many people around. Usually, only his aunt, his uncle and his cousin were around to witness his pathetic self after punishments and they did not mind. In reality, Mo Xuanyu had always thought that they were actually happy to see that the punishments they had inflicted had an effect on him.

Tentatively, he let go of the wall and his world started spinning again dangerously. He could tell that someone was calling out to him but he was not able to tell who at the moment. He tried to brace himself and not let anything show. Perhaps the teacher was coming back, or one of the other children came to him for some reason. He could not let them see, never.

He took a deep breath but actually choked on it as at the same time, a painful groan was about to come out of his mouth. Someone grabbed his upper arm and it felt like it was his uncle or cousin who often did that. They must have come for him.

It hurt, but not as much as everything else. The worst part of this was that his family came to get to know where he was and now they would punish him harshly for disobeying them. And it would most probably not be just a single beating either. He had been a bad boy, more so than other times.

His breathing was picking up and his vision was blurred with tears. He knew he was panicking but he could not help himself, it was stronger than him. Now everything would be ruined when his uncle or aunt came to take him away. Everyone saw. Everyone knew. No one would want to be friends with a bad boy.

Mo Xuanyu let a desperate sob come out of his mouth and his knees finally gave out under him. The person who had been holding him was apparently not prepared for this scenario and the grip on his already bruised arm slipped away.

He fell down onto the hard ground unceremoniously, like a sack of potatoes that some careless farmed threw down. He landed right on his aching bottom.

He was a bit proud of himself that he did not cry out. Then, everything faded and the last thing he knew was that someone was still calling his name, not with anger and ire, but with something resembling worry. It was the first. His mind was apparently playing tricks on him since it was clear that he was in a state of extreme turmoil and needed to calm down or he would hurt himself.

His vision became black in the end and he could feel his consciousness slipping away from him. It was a blessing he decided. He let everything go, not even worried anymore about the place where he had collapsed. He could face the consequences after he would wake up, now he just wanted to rest. After all, his cousin's punishment had taken a good part of the night and he hardly got any decent sleep after that.