Pessimist

25 - Help

The following seconds go by in a possible blur. After our small argument, we walk out of the room in silence going down to join the others. And for the first time on this trip Dean and I don't sit by each other, or look in each other's direction. Correction: I don't look in his direction because everytime I do pain flares in my chest. All I can think about is the truth, so nauseatingly shoved right in front of my face and due to that, the food the guy's made hardly reaches past my throat.

He's right. He's completely right and I was trying my best to deny it. I wasn't angry at Dean, more so I was angry at myself and the circumstances that occurred that led me to this place. All my life I constantly denied my situation. I denied that my father was shitty and my then boyfriend was abusive...abusive. That word stung my eyes with tears.

Never in my life did I think I would have gone through what I did. When you think of the word victim, you never think of yourself. You never want to think of yourself. But the truth was I had to. In order to heal, in order to move and be able to feel healthy again I needed to realise that I was a victim and I was abused and the shit that happened to me was real and not some teenage show about some other girl named Sophia who wasn't really real.

I moved food around on my plate as I sat next to Alex and Ayesha, their conversation like static in my ears. After Dean and I had descended the stairs, they glanced at each other like they knew we just had a fight. I mean, it was pretty obvious given my blank stare and Dean's closed off expression.

We were both out of it, this being one of the most serious fights we've ever had. One that relied on me and my decisions. Decisions that would make or break us. I understood where he was coming from though, I was not his responsibility and in order for us to make things work, I needed to acknowledge what happened to me.

"—Sophia?"

My name snapped me out of my trance, and I shook my head, turning to the voice on my right which happened to be Alex.

"What?" I said, not knowing what she had asked.

She sends me a small frown, exchanging a glance with Ayesha before repeating the question. "I asked if you wanted to go to the beach today after lunch. You don't have to swim, but it's going to be pretty nice out."

I blinked at her, the fork in my hand going still as she awaited my response. My eyes unconsciously travelled towards where Dean sat, seeing that he was frowning at my still very full plate and I set down my fork, pushing my plate away from me knowing I couldn't stomach any more food.

"Yeah, sure." I said abscently, standing up. "I'm just going to go to the bathroom to uh pee...like a normal person...because everyone uh pees?" I didn't give them a chance to respond, turning and running up the stairs while simultaneously slapping myself for talking so idiodic down there.

Bracing my hands on the sink, I took in a few deep breaths before splashing water on my face in order to cool down. I let myself wallow for a few minutes, telling myself I deserved it. But the only thought that was going through my head was how much I missed Dean.

Fuck, it hasn't even been two hours and all I wanted was a hug from him. I was the one putting distance between us, and I still had to apologise to him about my tone from earlier. It wasn't fair to be mad at him when all he wanted to do was help.

I combed down my hair, freshening up before exiting the bathroom and joining the others. Everyone was finished eating, the table cleared and as soon as they saw me, they stood up and were out of the door.