Pessimist

20 - There [Dean's POV]

There wasn't much in life I wanted. I liked the simplicity, the routine, the thought of knowing what was next always. I guess it was one of the reasons why I was so good at school, the curriculum was always the same therefore I could easily read textbooks and learn subjects without fault.

Though growing up, I realised that I needed to learn the obstacles in life. When you're younger, finishing high school guarantees that you are graduating. A birthday meant you were getting older, a test meant you were getting a grade. However, now, that was all different. A degree did not mean you were getting a job, your choice in career didn't mean your parents would approve.

Which is probably one of the many reasons I decided not to live with them in the first place. I always found it weird when the first thing people would do after getting into university or college was move out. It's almost as if people view age as a means of different stages of how independant you are, how when you are 18 your brain unlocks new levels that determine that yes, you are now an adult who can drive and drink and fuck other adults who are most likley way older than you however because the law views you as an adult, it is alright.

I'm probably being too cynical, too analytical. If Alyan were here he would tell me to rest my head, to not think so much. I guess that was one of the reasons why I remained friends with him as well.

At a young age, my parents always viewed my intelligence as my worth. A good grade meant they loved me and a bad grade meant they didn't. I was quiet, antisocial, I didn't interact much because of those ideologies and so when Alyan first met me and decided to stick around, I finally thought "wow...my parents are fucked up".

He didn't like me because I was smart, he liked me because I had on a t-shirt from a show he liked. He was my first friend, one who liked me despite my need to be quiet and understood when I wanted to be alone. Which is the whole reason I moved out in the first place. I liked privacy but you cannot have it if you lived with parents such as mine. They are in every aspect of your life, in ways where they almost take over and rule who you are and what you become. And they were fucked up.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is I never really cared for a life full of entertainment and friends. Not at first, that is. Not until Alyan's outgoing personality brought me a new family, one filled with so many uniquely different people, that I thought; this isn't so bad. A life with love wasn't so awful and I couldn't understand why I decided to try and go without it.

Even more so now, with Sophia laying calmly in my arms after a meltdown, one which exhausted her to the point that she could barely move to get back on the bed, did I realise that I had gained the privilege not many others had. Love may have been simple but it wasn't common for everyone.

My head turned to the clock, one which identified the time as two-thirty in the morning which was rare for me since I fell asleep quite early. But tonight...tonight I couldn't bring myself to do that. Tonight I wanted to keep Sophia in my arms and watch her sleep, watch the one thing that finally brought her peace most nights when the day kept knocking her down constantly with challenges.

And the more I gazed down upon her, the faint tracks of tears on her beautiful face with her eyes puffy and mouth set in a content line, the more my heart throbbed painfully in my chest. I wasn't one to get emotional, one to go out and maintain a new friendship when I had already been comfortable with so many, yet for her I wanted to do all that and more.

My hand came up to brush away some hair so I could look at her more clearly. She looked so innocent at this moment that you wouldn't think she had gone through what she did for so long. I blinked back some moisture from my eyes, a small notion to remind myself to breathe despite how painful it was and thought about the events from earlier. She kept repeating a sentence that, if it wasn't for her current state, would have brought me to my knees.