Love and Redemption (Completed)

Broken

"That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love," Ephesians 3:17

The dream scared me. I was very young when my mother abandoned me but I was told some about her. I refused to know everything about her though. Why would I want to know anything about someone that didn't want me. 

I blamed the Bible study group. I hadn't had a dream about my birth mother since I was very, very young. All these thoughts of being a child of the King of Kings was just pretty words to get people's hopes up. We lived in reality. That type of "perfect" world didn't exist. 

I skipped breakfast. I didn't have an appetite so I went to the lake. I stared at the waters and let the darkness in my mind consume me. The evil thoughts were comforting in a way. In my mind I exacted revenge against every family that abandoned me, against my birth mother who didn't want me, against all those people who gave up on me, and against myself. So many times I wanted to end it all. To end the pain I felt every single day. To end the hole in my heart that was constantly growing day by day. Why was I here? Why did I bother to keep living this awful life of abandonment. 

The tears burned behind my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I blinked them away and stared at the lake waters. All it took was one good, deep inhale under the water and it would all be over. The darkness could have me. Maybe my body would be lost forever to waters. No one on this side would care enough to bury me. I was tempted... really tempted. 

My mind turned to Noah and my anger burned even more. I put myself out there for him and he still turned me away. Then he had the audacity to drag me to some stupid Bible group promising me all this love from some dude in the sky. How dare he! 

I wanted to say a thing or two to him when I saw him again. I stood up but tripped over a branch I didn't see. I swore at everything under the heavens. May have even invented a few new swear words. I picked up a rock and threw it into the lake, then another and another. I then screamed at the ripples with everything in me. Emotionally exhausted, mentally drained, and feeling as low as the grave I sank down into a heap on the ground. I pulled my legs against my chest and tucked my head down. I so wanted my heart to stop hurting.

After a time I heard some music floating with the wind. I couldn't make out the words, but the melody was nice. It calmed me. After a few moments of listening to it I decided to go find where it was coming from. I brushed off my pants then crossed my arms as I walked along the lake shore. I let the water lap over my feet, and the splashing sound was calming. As I got closer I could hear the words. It was obviously a Christian song, something about power in the blood of Jesus. It reminded me of one of the old church songs I heard as a child, except this version had more of a beat. 

It was nice, so I slowed my pace to listen to more of it. Once I reached where I could see everyone I could tell it was a concert of sorts. They were further up the hill. A crowd was gathered around a stage and several of the campers were singing. Molly was one of them. Though she had a really nice voice, just the sight of her turned my mood sour again. I didn't want to think of her stupid cheery attitude or her stupid brother. 

I frowned and hugged my arms closer to my chest. Picking up the my pace again I headed down the lake more. As I walked around the bend I saw other cabins on the hill. They looked like ours, but bigger and nicer. I figured this is where Don and Caroline stayed. Feeling nosy I glanced around some to see if anyone was around. Seeing no one I uncrossed my arms and climbed up the little bank to the path that lead to the cabins. I went slowly to ensure no one was around. When I reached the cabins I could hear voices floating out the open windows. It sounded like Don was talking to someone. I quietly tiptoed my way up the front porch stairs to listen through the window. He was on a skype call. I recognized the voice, but I couldn't place the name. Once I reached the window I squatted down so I could peek around the edge. What I saw floored me. Don was talking to Pastor Steadman

"She seems to be doing okay with chores, but the rest isn't clicking," Don said sadly.

"We prayed about this for months. I do believe we made the right decision sending her there. Maybe she just needs more time," Pastor stated.

"True. I just feel so sorry for her. She speaks in anger but her eyes look sad. I'm worried about what will happen with her if this plan doesn't work and she goes home worse than when she came here." 

"We just need to keep praying, Don. She came to us for a reason, everything is in God's hands and control."

"I agree."

I leaned away from the window and slid down the side of the house wall until I was sitting. This was all preplanned. They all were in on it. Was this some sort of sick therapy joke? I felt utterly betrayed. I felt like they used me for their own glory. 'Look how we fixed the broke girl' is what I could hear them saying. 

I clutched my chest with my fist. This pain was different. This pain felt worse than any other I had experienced. Tucking my head down I tried to take quiet deep breaths, but the knot in my chest wasn't going away. Trying my best to ignore it I lifted my head again to listen to their conversation, but they were talking about their wives. Seems like they knew each other for a long time.

I angrily got up and quietly left the house. I couldn't believe they would do this to me. As I reached the lake again I stomped down the shore until I was far enough away from everyone I couldn't hear a thing. I then kicked at the water and looked up at the sky.

"Am I a joke to you!?" I screamed to the clouds. "Is my life one big fat joke to you?!!"

I threw another stick into the lake. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand any more betrayals, heartbreak, hope, and dashing of hope. I wanted this to stop- now. Looking again at the lake I made up my mind. I began to fill my pockets with rocks. I put as many in there as I could before grabbing a larger one and hugged it close to me. Taking a deep breath and exhaling, I began to walk into the water. It was strangely cold and warm at the same time. I went further and further. Even as the rocks started to weigh me down I still pushed forward. I heard something behind me, but it just sounded like a bird call.  I was about waist deep and my foot slipped. There was a unseen ledge that dropped into deeper waters and I basically tripped over the edge. 

I sank fast. For a small moment I was relieved, but then my lungs started to burn and I realized my huge mistake. I dropped the rock I had been hugging and tried to swim towards the surface. Panic arose quickly as I kept going further down. The rocks in my pants were sinking me, and no matter how quickly I thought I was pulling them out they kept dragging me down. Panic overtook me and I was losing control of my ability to hold my breath. The blackness I thought would be a comfort to me began to take over my vision and it scared me. It terrified me. I began to go in and out of consciousness, to the point I wasn't sure if I was still holding my breath or not. 

I barely felt the hands around me, that held me close and undid my pants to allow them to drop away from me, before I completely succumbed to the black darkness.