Almost broken(bullied) , A phanfiction

#4: Ephemeral guilt.

DANS P.O.V

When I got home from school, I was already aruing with my shit excuse of  a mother. Sometimes I can forgive her for the way she is after my dad left and she found comfort in a bottle or two and a smoke. He left when I was fourteen and despite how my mother turned out since, I'm so glad he did. Although his abuse was aimed at my mother, it sure did fuck little me up.

When my mum had finished screaming at me because all the money I had was ten quid I stole from Phil, she finally went back to her TV show and her wine. I stand in the doorway for a moment just glaring at her. Thin scars and bruises turned pink still remain, reminding me of Phil and the way I treat him. Is he hurting as much as her? Why do I do this to him? The feeling of guilt makes me sick and I strom off to my room.

When I come back down, I scowl at my mother passed out on the couch, ironically watching the Jeremy Kyle Show. I check the fridge and the cubards but there's next to no food except a few tins. Half a tin of beans will have to do.

'Of course the microwave is broken' I bitterly think as I take the bowl of beans out and grab a fork. I finish the cold beans quickly and put the bowl in the constantly growing pile of dirty dishes that used to be a sink.

In bed later that night, I scrolled through my phone on a page about 'Why Do People Bully?'. I couldn't remember why I had been compelled to do this, but the tears staining my cheeks and blinding my eyes gave half an answer.

The reasons list was quite long and I stopped when I got to number 10: Love. It made me laugh a little. Love Phil? Me? No one would ever love that little fuck. Definitley not me. Definitley.

***OLD CHAPTER BELOW***

After school had finished I was back home shouting at my terrible excuse of a mother. Sometimes I forgive her for the way she is after all before my dad left life was probably worse. My dad abused her a lot and when he left she isolated herself. I was only 14 at the time but I had to look after myself for weeks because she never came out of her room. When she did come out she screamed at me telling me it was my fault he left her. Now my mum does nothing except drink alcohol and complain about me.

After a short while of my mum screaming at me about some TV show she watched she took one last beer and , to my luck , passed out. I decide to head up to my room but before I do I glance at my mums face and see bruises and scars from were she was abused and it reminded me of what I do to Phil. Why do I hurt him? That question stayed through my head all evening until I decided I would try and find out.

I open up my laptop and open a new tab. Why do people bully? I type into the search bar. I press on the first result. Possible reasons I scroll down. Possibly one: Jelousy. Nope not that. Two: Anger / taking out anger on someone who had nothing to do with the situation. Well I guess I'm pretty angry at my dad for leaving and I'm also angry at my mum for being terrible . You know what I think it is anger but I don't care that Phil deserves it anyway. Before I close the tab another possibility catches my eye. Love. Ew no thanks. I don't like him I hate him.

Before I sleep I hear my mum in the room next to me, crying. I hear her saying something about dad and something about him hurting her. For the second time tonight her pain makes me think is that how Phil feels? For a split second I feel guilty but the guilt is gone when I remind myself that Phil deserves to be hurt. Why does he deserve it? A little voice in my mind says. I don't know just ... Ugh ... Go away I don't care if he deserves it or not.