Secret Admirers //one direction//

Chapter 25

*trigger warning: this chapter contains mention about self harm*

Perry's Pov:

I stand in my bathroom only in my underwear, my eyes swollen and red, holding a razor blade in one of my hands. On the inside I'm calm and at peace. On the outside I'm shaking.

I cannot bare these thoughts and feelings. I can't bare my own existence. My head hurts so badly so what I decide to do, is to hurt my exterior, to stop the inside pain. I don't want to kill myself because I deserve this suffering.

I don't want my scars to be seen so I place the razor blade on my thigh and push it into the skin, sliding through it, leaving an open wound. The blood runs out immediately and I start crying again. It doesn't hurt enough. It stings a bit but it never hurts much. I place the razor blade on another spot of my thigh, the one that has been touched, the one I didn't want to be touched by him. I repeat my action.

I snap out of the trans, horrified of what I've done and throw the blade into the sink. I'm not calm anymore and I start shaking inside and out. I step into the shower, running the water and sitting down crying.

I let the water wash the blood away feeling uncomfortable pain where the wound remained.

***

It's morning and I find myself lying naked on my bedroom floor. My body aches terribly. I try to move and stand up but I feel so weak.

I'm not going to repeat the mistakes I've made. I remind myself. I clench my teeth, open my eyes and get up from the floor. My thoughts doesn't have power over me anymore. I'm the one in charge of them and my actions.

I notice my prom gown, heels, bag everything messed up on the floor around me. My phone rings. I walk up to my closet and pick some fresh set of clothes, heading to the bathroom, ignoring all the incoming calls.

After a few minutes I return to my bedroom feeling better yet so weak. I sit on my bed, scared to touch my phone. I'm tired of thinking and overthinking.

Thinking about everything that had happened last night, things that I remember clearly. And overthinking about things that I don't remember at all. And that's what I fear about. This time my phone rings again and I hear the doorbell as well.

DAMN! I NEED PEACE.

I pick up the call first. It's Louis.

"Hello", I mumble

"Angel!?" Oh no! Its Harry. I'm always gonna hate Louis for this!

"Perry...you okay? I've been calling you since an hour. My phone died on my way to college. So when I reach college, I got hold of Louis and called you. Hey, please say something. I know things didn't go well in that party-"

I cut the call. I'm so scared. Does he know everything? No. I don't want him to learn stuffs through the rumours that students are gonna spread all over the college. I should have killed myself yesterday itself!

This damn doorbell keeps on ringing. I struggle to get down the stairs but finally manage to get the door.

As I open the door, I find Tracey with two bowls of noodles in her hand. This is a mixed feeling. I don't know if I should be happy or mad at her.

"Hunger is important than anger. Hungry right?" She stretches her hand with the bowl of noodles towards me. I take the bowl, a bit reluctantly.

She comes in and we both settle down on the sofa in my living room. I instantly start eating and finish the whole bowl in one go. I was indeed starving!