fuck buddies don't act like this (Gojo x Reader)

Chapter 41

"Bye-bye." The dull sultry lull of the tequila shots dizzies your stumbling steps out from the yellow little cab, Morgan and Hikaru wolf whistle clapping the outside doors as it passes you by.

The stirring of your feet propelling you onwards towards the creaky old steps of your apartment building for once you are dreading the fact of living on the first floor rather than the ground floor. If it wasn't for the lack lustre experience with heels whilst heavily under the influence of far too many shots and sucking on the sour lemon slices you would be doing just fine.

Splendid actually.

Grumbling under your breath about never doing such a thing again with those two, even with the untouched tension Hikaru still managed to bring you along to the get together with Morgan. It was nice and freeing, despite how she felt about Usui or how... you don't really know how you feel about him but despite all that it never ruined it. The night was long and blissful, after the show, the many bar-crawls you three made throughout the campus before venturing out into the city. Was astounding and maybe borderline alcoholic.

You're pretty certain-ish that you got hit on by a few girls from the lustrous gay bars they took you to however your memory is a little foggy at certain points throughout the night; that's the last time you dare challenge Hikaru to a drink off. The girl is a beast. It's not your first rodeo being there, sometime before Hitoshi you naively mistook the glamourous bar for a straight one, not one of your most favourable moments in your life; at the very least the female gaze doesn't disappoint you. Shaking your head away from such an embarrassing memory, oh god, what were you like back then?

A foreign thing. A little girl thrown out into the world, thoroughly trying to decide what she was to it and who she was.

And maybe you did but at what cost, your innocence, gah, who really has that in this day and age. Your life experience, maybe, if it's along the lines of sex, then yes. Learning what love means to you and at the cost of who you want in your life for that reason, wanting and needing is such a blurry line you have no idea where you stand with it anymore.

To want him. To need to love Usui to save yourself from heartbreak. Or someone else. Maybe no one at all.

You can be a strong independent young woman and be successful in life without a lover, fuckboy, friends with benefits, person than is something more than a friend but less than a boyfriend. You don't need that validation, yet here you are standing before your door gawking at the pink bouquet of flowers, golden trim of a box of Belgium chocolates.

You could melt at the sight of them, staring with such a fierce hunger for them, not the food or the dead plants already rotting away by your door but maybe there are some sacrifices to be made to achieve the ideal. Your stupid ideal of love and what you make it to be in your life, it's meaning. No one is perfect, you know this, you're pretty sure that the whole world does as well but maybe you need to be selfless in this relationship if it is going to work.

Usui is always reaching out meeting you halfway, and maybe you did overreact on that date at his house, and maybe you should've just texted him that you were fine today. You can't imagine the amount of stress he's already under and for what for it to only escalate tenth fold when you didn't text back.

Usui already told you that he cares, even now when he knows he did wrong he still congratulates you, sends gifts, there's nothing wrong here. Biting your lip you collect the items from down below an unsettling claw entices you there.

Walking inside your home; dead as a doornail, the heating just coming on since you reset the time of the it just before you left for the show. Adult things like this aren't so hard to get accustomed to, so it's not so hard adjusting to an adult relationship. This is different with what you had with Gojo, there's no line you can't cross, no stressful nights alone, no bitten back words you wished you had said.

Usui is real, the real-life love story not talked enough about in mass media, the truth that you should've known long ago, even Hitoshi was a dream living in a nightmare. He was too boyish, still too young to even think for himself let alone care for someone else's feelings, too conceited with what his dick wanted than what his heart needed instead. It was his loss and your gain, so much was gained but now melting into your lonely shitty bed, fusing with it.

You sigh, big and breathless at the end.

The tether thinning out, so much to do and so little time and you just want a break; someone to save you, cuddle you. Hold you close to their slow beating heart, warming you up and slowing you down to his pace, you just need that. For the time being at least, you can think about all that complicated shit later.

And maybe you are dumb and afraid of it if it means to be a single woman fresh out into the world with a budding career in art and a taste for – well men. It's not bad to have a safety blanket, plan b, to all this chaos.

So be it, you'll be dumb and afraid of what comes next if it means standing on two feet, hand in hand with someone else, anyone, not him, never him again but Usui and all will flush away.

Because maybe you are looking at this new ideal love with rose tinted glasses and only seeing the red flags as normal flags.

Spending the rest of the evening in the shallow slump of your bed twirling the imaginary telephone cord around your fingers like a lovesick high schooler talking to her boyfriend. Chatting with Usui about your day, the show and mostly him apologizing and listening to you endlessly ramble on about the night. The money, the paintings but never what you felt, alone and forgotten in the small space of your mind where it still gnaws there.

Waiting.

Soon this cup will get too full and when that time comes you know for one thing, that you won't be ready for the water to overflow, emotions and all drowning you to the bottom of the ocean. Anchored and dying in the misery of your own creation. 

~*~

I've recently just realised that this book is nearly half way done, not even, and I have a lot planned for this book and so whenever I see someone vote or comment I'm like 'omfg look how long this shit is' it's only going to get longer😅😂😭

BTW this chapter is a lot milder than what I initially intentioned but be prepared😏😈