LOVE ME TENDER [t. keigo]

-2.0

I felt... alright.

For a while, I thought the urges had gone away; that my mind was steady, and my hands wouldn't hurt you again. I even went as far as going to you, and promising that it would never happen again; that I was only having PTSD, and that it wasn't my intent to hurt you. Of course, you ate those excuses up like they were the words of a saint, but, really, I never thought it would get to the point it did.

I remembered the fear that had coursed through me on that fateful night, and made it a goal to never reach that low again. I sweared on my mother's life that I would never hurt you in the way I was hurt, and yet, here I was; grabbing you by your hair while I mercilessly rape you.

Yeah, it's rape. I'll say it because the one thing I'm not is a liar. Of course, it wasn't always rape. I know there were times that you enjoyed it, too. Especially the beginnings in which I felt the need to keep my word. Those days were the sweetest days of your life, as I would learn, and I was glad that you had enjoyed yourself for that little amount of time because, in reality, I was a ticking time bomb. Ready to hurt you in the most cruel way possible.

It's not completely my fault, either.

When you look at me like I'm the most amazing person in the world, all I feel is the need to turn your face sour. To rip myself apart and show you just how much of a monster I am.

I'd be lying if I didn't say it was partially the guilt. It's not like I'm an unemotional piece of shit (well, not always); I still remember the faces of those I killed, of those I projected on. Every time you would tell me how much you love me, and how grateful you were that I was your friend, I'd feel like your tiny hands were gripping at my heart; squeezing out the little life it has left.

And even when I'd silence you, when I'd push you away, I could still hear your tender voice in the back of my mind; the warm honey of your words.

"Touya, is everything okay?"

There was hesitation that reverberated through the room, your worry growing as I ignored you. It was a rough day in battle; I hadn't been back in a few days now because every time I tried to walk, it felt like my head was about to fall off. I only just made it back to you; my staples were loose around my arm, and the grafts around my chest were peeling in ways that almost made me throw up. And that's saying a lot considering I've had to be around myself for all my life.

I just wanted to see your face; to be close enough to you that I could be warmed by your lightest touch. I felt cold and miserable. My mind was weak with worries about death, and I just wanted to be held.

But once I reached that door, I knew there was something wrong.

I could hear your voice, but it wasn't alone. It was accompanied by a deep baritone; a cheerful, peppy voice that rings in my ears like the screeching sound of a car alarm.

"... who wouldn't wanna be friends with you?"

I felt your excitement through the door as you spoke to both Twice and that... pest. I could hear the way you giggled at his comments; your joy sickly as you showed yourself to another man.

What was Twice even doing there? I told him to only go when I was around... was he going behind my back?

And you— were you lying to me...?

Could it be possible? How could you lie to me so easily? Only a sociopath would be able to lie this horribly... was it possible that you were hiding something from me?

No... you were such a good girl... you couldn't have just up and started being so- so disgustingly horrid. You're my little angel. My sweet baby... so why were you being such a bad, bad girl?