Never Bend

Chapter 4 : The Unknown

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Life is full of obstacles,
She is without mercy
It's up to us to face them
And to come out of it stronger

MJ1
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Holding on my tears behind my lids, I took solace looking at the lines on the road to my right. Counting each white line my mind found peace, my head went numb and my heart ached less cauterizing the injuries in my heart.

"One day, I will get back to them" A deep sigh escaped my throat, exhaling my sorrows and tears.

"Back to them... back them..." somehow I feel like this is "a deja vu"

A clearing surrounded by wildflowers and sunshine entice me to walk forward. Where am I? Further away a carefree version of myself plays in the field. A dream, embracing the world, I relent to it.

The little girl is me laughing out loud, I run after what my heart desires. A butterfly. I am carefree and no dark thoughts cloud my mind. Before my oldest spirit dwells on it, strong arms catches me with his long arms around me.

"Daad!" I complain falling again into the dream.

"Just relax. Breathe. Control your movements," he says in my ear as he releases his hug.

His soft voice, guides and corrects my every movement. Then something happened. The butterfly was slowing its flight. Was I the one doing it?

"Learn to control your energy, see what happens when you do. "

The butterfly slows down even more. Then Dad holds a flower in front of me.

"If you are calm, everything around you will listen to you. All you have to do is wait patiently... for them to follow the path you've laid out for them and..."

Meanwhile, the butterfly landed on the flower by itself. I slowly followed its instructions and caught it in my hands.

Screaming with joy, I accidentally crushed it. I looked sheepishly at Dad and he burst into a beautiful laughter making me laugh in turn.

The image becomes blurry. A sob escapes my lips. Was it one of the memories that were lost after a seizure? After all, the changes in my memory line seemed to coincide with every asthmatic episode.

I shut my eyes blinded by the light. The sun is low on the horizon, reminding me that I am flying to an unknown destination. Fatigue was a secondary effect that followed each crisis.

I sit up in my seat, my head forgetting the 6-year-old version of me only to realize that my lower abdomen aches.

"Where are we? Huh, are we almost there?" Feeling pathetic, I try again. "I have to." But the words don't come out anymore. This time I stop for good.

I look at the window behind him, avoiding his gaze. I don't want to see judgment on his face. I am not used to being around new people. Less alone having someone around witnessing my emotions break loose.

"Are you always this much fun?" He adds with a grin that I catch as I turn.

My head sinks between my shoulders and I feel like a child. I've never fit in anywhere, except at home and in the library. It's like I don't belong, like I have some unfinished business I can't remember. Whenever my mind slips, I feel tormented, searching for something and missing the moment. Therefore, I always keep my mind busy.

I close my eyes along with my fists and concentrate on my breathing. I am always anxious when I face new situations, and today was unbearable for me. Today, to my surprise, it didn't trigger an asthma attack.